Hello there, from the other side of vacation!

So! It turns out, like everyone else, I need a vacation from vacation. I actually took two extra days off, but is any amount of days enough days? I had three doctor and dentist appointments within those two days, and one of them included me holding my terrified 9yo's hand while he got his first fillings while his terrified brother hugged me from the back and cried because he was scared for his brother.

Sigh.

But all that is over and I'm now mired in work and everything is an emergency and yay, good to be back!!

Mondays are so very Monday, this one more so.

Taking five minutes to decompress and feel some feels before I button back up and get myself on track.

And I don't even know if that gif will show up but whatever.

My aunt passed away in her sleep last night, quite unexpectedly. She had a lot of health problems but she wasn't ill, per se, so it's all very sudden and her loss is immense.

Logistically, she also was the one who dealt with a lot of the family stuff that no one else could, so there's a lot of chaos surrounding this sudden departure - money woes, who will take care of my grandmother, her 16yo autistic son, my uncle with stage four cancer (who also takes care of a lot but someone needs to work and also cancer and 16yo kid). Anyhow, it's all a lot.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon for some fillings and I think I'll sit down in the chair and say "listen, I just want to put my audiobook on and close my eyes and let you drill on my teeth for an hour. It will be a relief that I can't be expected to do anything else for that time."

What we’re eating this week

Are you flummoxed by how to feed your family while attending baseball/ballet/ four nights a week? Me too, friends, me too. I figure by the time I get ahold of it, baseball will be over and there will be new challenges to face. I did get back to meal planning, and that’s the first step. So here’s what we will be eating (and I’ll go ahead and tell you what changes will be made to each day so children are placated):

Monday: chicken ramen (for children I’ll fish the chicken and the noodles out of the broth and serve them sans egg or veggies) (baseball day, I’ll make everything minus cooking the noodles and throw it all together while the kids are in showers.)

Tuesday: Asian turkey burgers and mini tater tots – these are usually made with pork but I have some excellent ground turkey in the freezer so I’m going to use that. I use this recipe from Blue Apron that we all adore.  I might not be home until dinner time so C will need to make dinner. No changes are necessary except Henry doesn’t eat buns so his is cut up and Spencer doesn’t have cucumbers or cilantro on his burger.

Wednesday: slow cooker carnitas this recipe, and I’m printing it out so C can make it while I’m at work. Baseball day and ALSO school testing day (sigh) which means kids need to eat BEFORE baseball so they get to bed at a reasonable time. They’ll probably get a pile of meat with grapes and yogurt.

Thursday: tinkerbell quesadilla w/ lime crema and eggs This is also a Blue Apron recipe that I adore. I use those little sweet peppers to remake this recipe and it’s delicious and easy. Kids will get either egg and cheese in a tortilla or scrambled eggs and cheese quesadillas. It’s possible this is also a baseball day and no one has told me yet, so thankfully this is a very easy recipe. I’ll make the veggies before baseball and throw it together during showers.

Friday: homemade pizzas. TBH, I usually buy a ball of pizza dough from Publix to make homemade pizza, but I think this week I’ll make Pioneer Woman’s pizza dough, which is pretty easy. I’ll make it earlier in the week so it’s a quick meal when we are ready to go, and everyone can add their own toppings. I’m thinking mushroom and black olive for me, pepperoni for S, plain cheese for H and all of the above for C. I grill it as long as the propane is full up.

Saturday: THIS COUPLE will have been MARRIED FOR TEN YEARS! To celebrate, after a full day of baseball games, they are shipping the kids off to the grandparents and eating at Edison food + drink lab. Color me super excited!

Dear god, I blogged.

It's been awhile.

So long, in fact, that I thought long and hard about closing up shop and deciding I’m no longer a blogger. I tried to decide if I’d be okay with that. I so seldom have time for blogging. As it is right now, I’m taking a 15 minute break from my long list of duties to type something out. I don’t know what will come out. It will probably be rambly and not interesting and is anyone reading these days anyhow? Comment if you’re actually reading. It’s okay.

Anyhow, my brain is still being worked on. The road back from rock bottom of mental illness is not linear and that’s a hard pill (ha!) to swallow.(Okay, so maybe it wasn’t rock bottom but it was definitely the lowest point I’ve seen since college and I’ve had a lot of low points in the last 13 years)  I have a couple doctors working on me, and I’m working on me quite a bit. I’ve been exercising like gangbusters, which has helped my mental state some, and I’m also on meds and in therapy and reading self-help books and I HATE SELF HELP BOOKS, GUYS.

Also helpful is that I’ve taken a couple of real, honest to god vacations. Vacations that I’ve actually come back from feeling refreshed. Whoddathunk that taking a break actually helps? Amazing. I went to Chicago and Michigan with a good friend. I took an entire week off with my family and took a four-day road trip with them that wasn’t over stuffed with activities. I’m heading to Sedona in a couple weeks with a big group of girlfriends. We’re planning a weekend camping trip in May. So much extracurriculars; so much fun.

Work is still hard; I love my job but I have trouble seeing myself doing this for the next 30 years. I’ve thought about what to do when I grow up – do I want to go to law school? Do I want to get my masters? I think what I want to do is get my Masters in Library Science. I think this is what I was meant for. I’ve adored libraries, bookstores, the feel of books around me ever since I was a tot. Thinking about getting the schooling to make that happen fills me with excitement instead of dread.  There’s so much to feel dread about in the world. Hope matters too.

So I’m going to try to keep this up. This space matters to me. I’m not sure what it will become – maybe I’ll start posting my book recommendations again, my lists of what I’ve read, what I’ve listened to, where I’ve eaten and what beers I’ve drank. My obsession with my Winc subscription. Things that have helped my head space lately. What I’ve cooked. Do these sound relatively fun to read about?

Toodlo-oo, my friends. Happy Friday.

Catering to the younger crowd

The other day I made taco salads. I’m trying to get the kids to eat more protein and veggies, but it’s slow going and I don’t want to push too hard, so I struggle with what are appropriate mealtime changes without being a short order cook. This is what I came up with for this one meal, which didn’t involve a ton of extra prep but I always struggle – what is too much? What is not enough? Am I being too unrealistic? Am I pushing too hard? Will they grow up to have an unhealthy relationship with food like all of us adults have?

So this is what the grown-ups ate:

Shredded taco chicken on lettuce, avocado, tomato, a little cheese and sour cream. I used cereal bowls so it all looks like meat, but there’s a lot of lettuce in there.

This is what the 8yo ate:

Chicken quesadilla, chips and salsa, blueberries.

This is what the 6yo ate (was served):

Shredded chicken, cheese quesadilla, chips and blueberries.

The 6yo proclaimed the chicken “too spicy” even though it was low sodium mild taco seasoning in chicken broth, so further watered down. He ate three bites (shreds) at my insistence. 8yo ate it all, and extra chips.

6yo is hungry CONSTANTLY but doesn’t eat anything particularly healthy or filling. But fruit is healthy! He exclaims. Yes, but as part of a balanced meal.

Sigh.

Reading Goals, past and future

In 2016, I read 110 books. Goodreads thinks I read 100, and whatever, I didn’t meet my “goal” anyhow (which started at 140 and I changed to 120 later in the year). I didn’t know to change my read date on GR to get my rereads to count so maybe this year it will be accurate but even if it isn’t, I keep a personal list as well. The final tally was 110, which feels incredibly low for me but like I said, it was a rough year. I had a difficult time keeping my head in the game. I did read a lot of lovely books, none of which I can think of particularly to recommend, but really. Go read anything by Leigh Barduga. You’re welcome.

In 2015 I read 145 books. In 2014 I read 155 books. In 2013, 97 (I was holding myself to new books only and refused to let myself re-read, which definitely hampered my overall interest in books).

This year I’m going to try to keep a tally like Stephany does – of where I got books and how many pages and what kind of books they are. This all seems like a lot of information but we’ll see if I can keep it up. My goal for this year is 100 books. Which, as I said, is light for me. However, I want to include one non-fiction book a month (and the books my therapist recommended) and I always move slowly through those. Also, I’m trying to keep myself at a reasonable bedtime so I’m discouraging myself from staying up all night reading.

Right now I’m reading:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns

Recommended by my therapist. I didn’t want to start it, but this line in the introduction made me laugh:

"...right now you are probably having some thoughts and feelings about this book. If you picked this book up because you have been feeling depressed and discouraged, you may be thinking about things in a negative, self-critical way: 'I'm such a loser. What's wrong with me? I'll never get better. A stupid elf-help book like this couldn't possibly help me. I don't have any problem with my thoughts. My problems are real.'"

Which, um, yeah. I probably do need to read this.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne

Also recommended by my therapist. Honestly I haven’t cracked it yet. I’m hopeful. It will probably stay on my GR shelf all year though.

The Thousand-Dollar Tan Line by Rob Thomas

re-read, and fun. Needed something light and enjoyable.

Talking as Fast as I Can by Lauren Graham

audiobook. I think I'd prefer it in print but I already have the audio from the library.

Also on my virtual shelf:

Half a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I read about a third of this before it went back to Overdrive, and my head wasn’t where I could process it, so I’ve left it on my shelf until I get it back from the library. I really think it’s amazing and I will finish it.

Blue Moon by Alyson Noel

I really enjoyed the first one; it was good escapism. I got bored halfway through this one, but I’ll finish it. I don’t know if I’ll bother with the rest of the series though.

Dusting off, Don't let the door hit you 2016, and 2017 intentions

I've tried, I really have. I even did one of those "Day in the Life" posts to kick things off, but ugh. My life is so boring. So here I am without fanfare. (*edited to add that I ended up doing one of those end-of-year surveys yesterday, which was boring and depressing. This post now feels redundant but I'm doing it anyhow.)

Things are ... better. I'm still down, and I still have wild ups and downs. I'm seeing a therapist, although I haven't lit the fire under my butt to do some of the homework he's assigned me (I have an aversion to self-help books). I haven't been reading at all - I don't have the head space for anything except re-watching Veronica Mars over and over.

I did watch Die Hard for the first time, Christmas Eve.

It's been a terrible year. No one close to me has died, the state of the world has me continually hyperventilating and donating money to this and that organization.

The kids are perpetually okay though. My saving grace. And my husband has been so gracious in the face of all my nonsense.

2017 is hopefully the year I get myself together. Here are my resolutions/intentions:

Jennie is doing the BBL again this year, and I'm all in. It's not so much about the losing weight, but I really hate *how I look* and I need to resolve that for myself. So BBL for me, this year, is about self-care. Working on my mental health issues. Taking time for myself. Getting my family onto more vegetables and water and on less sugar. Drinking less (none in January, we'll talk after that). Find a psychiatrist (right now my GP is prescribing my anxiety and anti-depressants and that isn't working for the long term). Do the homework the doctor recommends. Like myself.

We desperately need more room for our family, but I think after some serious looking and discussing about how much we would have to put down, we think we'll wait a year. One year, to save as much as we can and make an honest list of what needs doing around our house now, and we'll work on those things. I'm not giving up the couple of trips I have planned, although I'm going to set aside the money for them immediately so we don't take the hit in March and April. We're going to pay off my car so we don't have any more debt except the house, and then we're going to save save save save. This time next year hopefully we can truly afford our forever house instead of settling for something that isn't at all what we want.

I hope to be around here more, because I think that when I'm feeling okay - not on top of the world, just normal. I'm here. So ideally, I'll be here.

Avada Kedavra, 2016.