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I'm struggling with whether to just let this space go or revive it. I only blog once every couple of months, sometimes three times in one week but then it goes back to the wayside and I move on with my life of watching Hallmark movies and ignoring the interwebs.

So. Since November things have not been good. That's the long and the short of it. December I ignored life and powered through the holidays. January I melted down a bunch. February I went on FMLA to try to keep myself together. March brought a couple more meds changes and here I sit in April, knowing my meds will change again on Friday and not knowing exactly how to handle it. the medicine in question will cost me $700 a month, and I'm sorry but my mental health is not worth $700 a month, especially on top of $80 a week doctor appointments to various doctors and gee wiz, when do things get better?

I got to the office two days in a row this week, so hallelujah.

Work is really working with me, and I'm doing much better there. I thought I needed to quit a couple times, but things are getting slowly better.

My biggest issue right now, aside from the depression and anxiety that rule over my life, is that as a side effect I'm a) putting on weight and b) I'm tired ALL THE TIME.

I've started taking a bunch of vitamins hoping to help the tired thing but right this very second I'm certain I'll nod off.

A very important topic

So here's the thing. I haven't blogged since November, and the first thing to strike my fancy to blog about is EGGS.

I love eggs. I pretty much will eat them any way possible, but also I hard boil a dozen every week and I take two for breakfast at work and occasionally will snack on a lone one when I want to eat and shouldn't really be eating anything because eating is my crutch. I used to not be able to hard boil eggs and it was very sad and I bought a bag of pre-cooked eggs every week because can't get enough of them, even if I can't make them. But then came the Instant Pot, and seriously I'd buy it again if it broke because it is my savior for HB eggs.

The thing is, though, it's still a temperamental thing to make. My method is 6 minutes steam, quick release, ice bath and peel. All immediate. If I accidentally forget about them and they natural release, the yolk is overcooked and green. If I forget about them after the ice bath and they aren't shocked enough, the shells don't come off as easy. I basically have to stay in the kitchen from the time they come to pressure to finished product. Which, I can do. I can clean it or rewash whatever dishes my husband tried to wash (they'll still be greasy in the drainer), pick up the kids' desk, clean out the fridge. For 10 minutes every week I'm a prisoner in my kitchen.

Worth it.

Reading Rut

It used to be that I always finished every book I started, whether I liked it or not. Then, it was that life was too short to read bad books, but I still finished books that I didn’t necessarily like but were well respected authors, etc. Then it was, if I don’t like it – I don’t read it. Make peace with what you don’t want to read.

So that usually is fine for me, and I usually get through 99% of what I start but JEEZ. Lately I just can’t get into reading, so I have about 5 books that I’ve started and haven’t finished, not because I don’t want to read them but because I can’t bring myself to sit and read.

For October, I have 16 books on my list. Of those, three I willfully abandoned (two because they were downright terrible, and 1 because I am coming to terms with not liking Stephen King. Possibly also his son too). But then there are another three that I’ve started and can’t get myself to finish because sitting and reading is not working for me. I’ve listened to five audiobooks, 1 being a reread (I love rereads).

So yes, as I look at my list – I still read ten books in October. That’s a lot. But so much time has been spent just staring off into space or messing around on my phone and not reading on purpose because I just didn’t feel like it.

Hopefully November is better.

(Currently reading)

Today

Today I will decide that I am loveable, even when I think I'm not.

Today I will decide that I am worthy of love, even when I'm crazy.

Today I will decide that I am deserving of friends, even when I'm not always up to carrying the burden.

Today I will attempt to be myself and I will strive to love myself and will try to acknowledge my value.

What I'm listening to - podcasts

I'm Not Good at starting/continuing with new podcasts. I don't really know why, except that it's similar to television - I only have so much time and I'd prefer to listen to what I know I'll like rather than skip around looking for something new. But here's what I listen to, when not listening to audiobooks:

My Favorite Murder

I took a break from this for nearly a year because it got my anxiety up and I had a problem with a lack of accurate details. I'm very involved in my local Murderino community though, so I started back up and I'm loving it again. The details are more crisp, the opinions are less opinion-y, and the stories are just better told than they were. I may have just hit a lull, but things are good and I'm enjoying it. This Friday is the Live Show! I'll be there!!

Deadly Manners

The jury is still out for me on how much I like this, but it's short and I love all the personalities. I don't know if the murder mystery radio show is my thang, but it's different and interesting and Kristen Bell. I mean, really.

Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

The only way I can absorb the news is with comedy and game show questions.

Ask Me Another 

Really, my favorite podcast because I love word games. Love them.

Really Bad Words

This podcast is so well done. Basically the history of cursing. If you like four-letter words, you should definitely take a listen.

Book Clubs

After a long time of making jealous eyes at anyone who manages to go to a book club that continues to function, it turns out I’m now part of FOUR book clubs. Five if you count the local brewery’s book club that I keep meaning to get involved with but can’t seem to make it to.

Unfortunately three of them are solely online, but the fourth was started by me and it will be both online and as a Sunday brunch meeting which makes me delighted, and is a true crime . Of course, this also means I have four books to read. This wouldn’t be a problem since I read more than 4 books in a month generally, but I’m not always good at reading ONLY assigned reading so I need to be more diligent about making sure I’ve done what I need to do and then read other stuff.

So here’s what I’m reading:

Sleeping Beauties

So I started the audio of this and I honestly don’t know if I’ll get all the way through it; I might have to bow out of this month’s discussion. This is a controversial opinion but I just don’t love SK. I try but he just has a cadence and a wordiness that drives me up the wall. I’ll give it a chance though.

History of Love

This is for a new online book club add, and I’m excited because it’s a little different format – they have a “heavy book” and a “light book” every month and you read what you want to read, or you can go back to other books in the year and participate in those discussions. I picked a recent pick to start on though, and I’ll see how it goes.

StartUp

This is for my Ladies book club, and I made the recommendation because I own the book and hadn’t read it yet so yay! I am kind of excited; it’s supposed to be fun and light and hilarious.

Fatal Vision

This is my true crime pick, the story of Jeffrey MacDonald who was convicted of killing his family. Did he do it? Did he not do it?  

Friday, again

It's Friday, and I have no idea where this week went. I was constantly running from work to doctor's appointments to dentist appointments and back to work. I dealt with Halloween costumes and Storybook Parade costumes and somehow did too much grocery shopping (I checked myself and I went to the grocery twice, plus the new organic grocery, plus Costco which we all know is an expensive trip). I now need to meal plan AROUND my grocery shopping so I'm not shopping for the next week at least. I know ham steak and green beans, Brazilian shrimp stew, and chicken soup will be on the menu. Crispy chicken thighs with wilted spinach. Taco salads.

I was supposed to be out of town next week for work, so I kind of got on a frenzy this week so that I would be ready, and then Wednesday afternoon the case resolved so I'm home for the month. I'm glad that I'm not traveling, but it becomes something of a letdown when I've psyched myself up for the alone time. Not that I *need* the alone time, but the only way to get excited about living out of a suitcase for a week by myself is to psyche myself up about the things I get to do in my downtime, non-working time. See a movie! (even though I'm not a theater person) Do yoga in my hotel room! (even though I could easily do that in my bedroom) Read at a restaurant! (honestly, when am I not reading?)

I started a new book club, within the group of my local chapter of Murderinos. I'm super excited. I think our first book will be Fatal Vision, with supplemental reading of The Journalist and the Murderer. 

So what's going on for you?