My year in review

I hadn't planned on doing this for 2012, mostly because when I look at my goals for 2012 I'm just so disappointed in myself. However, I've really enjoyed reading them across the internet so I think maybe it would give me perspective on my year. Here goes.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I went to The Blathering which was huge for me. I have gone on trips for myself before (my very best friend lives out of state and I've gone to see her a few times, and on a trip to NY with her) but I've never made a trip to see people I've never met before, by myself with no "safety net" to speak of. It's not that I'm introverted per se, but I have a hard time with new experiences. A very hard time. An anxiety-ridden, hyperventilating time.

That's all that I can remember. Isn't that enough?

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I redesigned my blog on around day two of the new year and I know I read more than 100 books but other than that, no. I failed in a spectacular fashion, which makes me both disappointed in myself and disappointed that I expected so much of myself. Honestly, while I wish I had taken care of myself better, I'm not seriously upset that I didn't complete many of those goals. I thought they were good benchmarks and it turns out they just weren't.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Three good friends had babies - one in April, one in October and one in November. Beautiful, squishy bundles of joy. They made me wish for another and yet not really want a baby. Conflicted (husband's not, still quite happy with two).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

We lost my grandmother in January which affected me more than I thought it would. I think about her often, and when I got together with my dad's family last week it was fun to share funny stories.

5. What places did you visit?

Delaware, New Orleans, and I think that's it.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

More patience for work, my children, life.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I can't think of anything that specifically stands out for me. Taking the kids to Disney with my best friend and her family was very special (the Sunday before Thanksgiving, whatever date that was), the day I got the phone call about my grandmother being in the hospital and then the funeral. The Blathering will be something I always remember.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think I recognized what I needed to change in my life. I got on anxiety/depression meds and saw a dermatologist about my eczema. I'm not great with my meds still to know if it's helping as much as it should be or if I need to tweak it, but I still feel I'm on the right track. 2013 will be the year of getting my shit together.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I lost my running mojo and stopped eating as healthy and exercising pretty much at all. I only gained about 10 lbs back, but I certainly don't feel as good or as good about myself as I did at the end of 2011. Next year, man. I get it all back.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was amazingly healthy, besides a resurgence in migraines and sinus issues. Nothing medical.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I really just want to cut and paste Ginger's answer here. Going to The Blathering was the best thing that I did, so all expenses related to that were just perfect.

I also just bought my first new car in nearly 9 years two days ago, and some pretty great shoes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

(this answer intentionally left blank)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I'm stealing Ginger's answer completely here:

Everyone who got nasty/ugly/hateful during any of the heated moments this year: political, cultural, social.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Daycare, mortgage, food, bills, MY NEW CAR

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Blathering. Disney. Christmas.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Call Me Maybe - the boys sing it, and even though it's possibly the most annoying song of 2012 it's freaking adorable when two pre-kers sing it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Play with my boys, spend quality time with my husband.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yell.

20. How did you spend Christmas this year?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No, but my love for my family was amplified many times over.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The New Girl. I was not a good tv-watcher this year, but I love me some Zooey. And some Nick.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2012?

Is it terrible to say I have no idea? I got an iPad, and I think I took it off work for once because my husband had it off anyhow so we spent the day together.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm going to have to look at my list to remind myself of what I read, but I loved all the Lindsay Buroker books, Unbroken, Outlander

25. What did you want and get?

A new car, an iPad.

26. What did you want and not get?

A lack of anxiety.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hunger Games is the only thing I can remember seeing that wasn't a kids movie. Did Dark Knight Rises come out this year? Then that too. Although Wreck-it Ralph and Brave were cute.

28. Did you make some new friends this year?

I like to think I came away from my trip to New Orleans with some new friends. <-- this, thanks Ginger.

I started getting heavy into Twitter the second half of this year, and I really do feel that I have some real friends there.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less anxiety.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Jeans and cute tops.

31. What kept you sane?

My Tuesday time alone.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I love me some New Girl cast.

33.What political issue stirred you the most?

My main issue with politics in general is people's lack of moderation and inability to see things from the other side. I don't mind when people disagree with me, but I do mind when they act like I'm an idiot for having my own opinion.

34. Who did you miss?

I miss everyone. Move here, people!

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

To take time for me so I can be a better mother and wife.


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Merry Christmas from sunny (chilly) Florida

We had a fabulous Christmas. In terrible internet-momma fashion, I didn't take any photos of my children opening presents. I didn't take the obligatory "Santa came!" photo. I ... um, I didn't take any pictures at all (in my defense I'm pretty sure my dad did but he hasn't put them on facebook for me to steal yet).

We have "traditions" for Christmas, now that Spencer has been through five of them. We are also still starting new traditions. For instance: ongoing tradition is that on Christmas Eve we always bundle up in pjs in the car after dinner and drive around looking at Christmas lights. Our new tradition is that we have Mexican food for lunch and go see a movie. This year we saw Monsters Inc 3D, and it was a big hit. This also means that we need to be completely ready for Christmas BEFORE Christmas Eve, which is challenging but doable.

Christmas morning is another tradition, one that hopefully will always be. When the boys wake up, they get to open their stockings only. Then the grandparents come over for breakfast - my mom, dad and his girlfriend, my in-laws and my brother (my sister was also suppose to come but she skipped again). We have a nice sit-down breakfast - biscuits and gravy, egg and sausage casserole (courtesy of my MIL), fruit, coffee, coffee cake, and bacon. Then we all open presents. Presents!!

The boys had a "successful" morning. Tag readers for both of them, a batting tee and baseball accoutrements, socker boppers, movies, and a climbing thing for outside. We got lots of gift cards and I got a stovetop espresso maker. So it was a successful Christmas for me too! All in all, it was a really nice time.

Later in the afternoon is another Christmas tradition. We head over to my in-laws' for a Cuban dinner (roast pork, yucca, plantains, boliche, rice and beans) and more presents and relatives and desserts. We do a Christmas exchange so everyone gets something but you don't have to buy for everyone, so I ended up with a hummingbird feeder and hummingbird garden seed and a bottle of Dave Matthews wine, and C got an Amazon gift card (who am I kidding, that's pretty much mine too). I bought for C's cousin and his new wife - (my most recent favorite), felt coasters, and a travel scrapbook for him, and a scarf, fig candle and earring holder for her.

All in all, a great time. Yesterday I started test driving cars to decide for my upcoming purchase of a new vehicle. Fun times!!

(if I ever come up with pictures, I'll update but I wouldn't count on it)

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I never wanted a wienie whistle

I'm currently sitting here drinking a homemade egg nog latte (egg nog and strong coffee, shaken in a mason jar) while bacon jam bubbles away on the stove. I could be starting my cookie baking, or my marshmallow dipping, or my ... oh, whatever else I decide to make today. But right now I'm content to sit on my butt and drink my latte and blog.

I was thinking the other day (while watching The Santa Clause, I think) about if there was ever something I asked for but didn't get from Santa. I was told about Santa from a very young age because of my parents' divorce. I remember my mother telling me there was no Santa. She pulled me into her pullout couch/bed in her room of our very small trailer to snuggle, and very kindly explained to me that Christmas would not be very big that year and it wasn't because I had been bad but but she just didn't have the money.

But Christmases at our house were always over the top. Piles and piles of presents covering half the living room. I know I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have. I've never been good at receiving gifts; I don't know the proper amount of enthusiasm. Looking back, I have no idea how my mom afforded all of that. I remember certain gifts from different years - one year my mom made me a doll house. Another year I got a pager (yes, I know, I'm old) and another one I got a Body Shop dress that I had coveted. I don't ever remember asking for anything specifically from Santa, and I don't remember not getting something I really wanted.

We don't go over the top for Christmas for the boys. This year have been the biggest, and I can't say it's a crazy Christmas. Hopefully they like what they get, but more I hope they just enjoy the day.

A sales person asked Spencer last week what he wanted Santa to bring him. "I don't know," he answered. "Whatever he brings me will be fine with me!"

Such my child. At least I know he won't be disappointed!


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Secret

Spencer asked me to tell him a secret tonight.

I whispered into his ear "I love you!"

No, he said. That's not a secret. Everyone knows you love me.
I know it, and our family and friends all know!


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My world

This weekend, reeling from the worst anxiety attack I've had in a year and the elementary attack, should have been terrible. I had a mini breakdown about the loss of my grandmother (she passed earlier in the year and this is the first christmas without her; the last time we were all together outside hospice/funeral was last Christmas). I've purposely avoiding most blog posts/news/twitter discussions about the shootings, and I'm not going to talk about it here either. I live in a state of denial that is really the only way I can function. My son goes to kindergarten next year. That is all.

Despite the above, my weekend actually pretty much rocked. Friday night my mom babysat and we went out with good friends and had phenomenal food (Ceviche's). Because I'm not a food blogger (and didn't have a decent camera in the low light, who am I kidding) I didn't take photos although our waiter did allude to the dessert being perfect for Facebook photos. There was artichokes and mushrooms in goat cheese and oxtail and scallops and DUCK IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE and crème brûlée and sangria ... And fantastic company. I love my friends, man.

Saturday was a long, fantastic day. I was up early w Henry because he was snotty (and C had a hangover) and we made a good breakfast. C got a haircut and we went to a birthday party for a friend's son. We did some Christmas shopping and had dinner and fun with C's cousin, which it has been at too long since we did (non-holiday) with her. The boys LOVE her, we love her ... It needs to be more often, that's all there is to it.

Today my stress level was much higher. I'm not sure what it was, but everything was bugging me. I got almost all the wrapping finished, I defrosted the wine fridge (priorities, dude), took the kids for a walk. I did grocery shopping on my own (although I had a minor hissy fit when C suggested I do so). Tonight's advent activity was "eat dinner by candlelight" so we turned all the lights off except the tree, turned on the Christmas music and lit candles and had a really lovely dinner of spinach ravioli in pumpkin pesto w shrimp. Henry had crackers and Spencer had just the shrimp, but I didn't fight w them about any of it, and we enjoyed ourselves.

I'm going to try hard to keep my anxiety and stress level down this next week. We've been eating out a bit too much so I'm striving for dinner at home every night until Christmas but I have a pizza in the freezer for emergencies and I think I have the meals planned which helps the stress. We have three cookie-making nights ... Which we'll have to possibly rethink. We don't even eat the cookies so there's that. We have a few people left to get gifts for, but I'm pretty solid on my people and C can be forced to find something for his father (the hardest person on the planet to purchase for) if need be. I'm not going to stress.

I'm not going to stress. My holiday mantra.


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How it Works

First it’s a simple feeling, like I forgot to do something. I get a bit confused, check all my usual websites. I check on the kids, and my husband. Then I start thinking about my day, going over work in my head to figure it out. I try to remember all the files I worked on, all the notes I made in the computer, all the calls I made and calls I took.

Then I start second guessing things. I spoke with my mother in law – should I not have told her what I did? She was upset at someone else’s choice – is she going to say something to them? Will they be mad at me for telling her? I made plans for the next night – am I forgetting something there? Did I have plans that I’m forgetting? I check on the kids again, and the locks and the windows. I check to make sure I didn’t leave the flat iron on. I start thinking about my mom’s cancer appointments, my dad’s recent hospital visit, Granny’s hospital stay earlier in the week. The concern grows. I remember that I didn't make anything for the work potluck or contribute to a baby shower - but the feeling doesn't fade so it doesn't seem to be that.

I start getting sharp stomach pains and I wonder – gas pains or something serious? It hurts when I breathe too deep. I try to get comfortable, try to concentrate on the television. Try to act normal. I try to concentrate on my erratic breathing, try to stop my slight rocking, my fingers rubbing the skin on the back of my opposite hand. i play a little solitaire, try to get my mind involved in something menial.

I feel a little lightheaded, like my body isn’t getting the oxygen it needs. I lay down, close my eyes, try to forcibly relax all the tense muscles in my body. Try to force my body to breathe in counts of five. I wonder if I would be able to fall asleep better if I laid in the uncomfortable bunk bed with my son instead of here, where I’m worried about bothering my husband. I try to clear my mind, to only think about relaxing my muscles and breathing in and out.

Somehow, I get to sleep, only to wake several dozen times through the night with that feeling, the same feeling. Is everything okay? Should I check on the house again? Did I check that door, that window? What was that sound?

I rise in the morning, still fitful, uncomfortable in my skin like something is trying to get out. The fearful feeling in the pit of my abdomen has not receded. My fingers still rub together with nervous energy. The rocking is still just there. And that feeling, if I could only remember what it was that I’m missing, I would be whole again.



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What's with today, today

I apologize as I think I"ve used that title on numerous occasions but I can't et enough Empire Records, men


On my list of things to do for the past two days was to make a list of all my Christmas shopping left to do (most of it), a list of the vacations planned for next year (five of them) and figure out when kindergarten starts for Spencer (I KNOW) and what I need to do for that and his summer VPK. I started thinking about it because we plan on going to Colorado over the summer to visit family, but we have to time it between VPK ending and kindergarten starting. Yikes! I haven’t made any of these lists, but I did follow up with family in the school system to find out more about kindergarten and TODAY I made a list of the people still needed to buy for which isn’t as daunting as I thought it would be. Well, and then I realized I forgot my siblings.

We were supposed to go to Ceviche tonight with good friends, but they had to reschedule so TOMORROW is Ceviche. Which might be even better because I can roll into bed afterward and not wake up to an alarm the next day. Did I tell you that Wednesday we forgot to set the alarm and I thought it was Saturday when I woke up to children instead of beeping?

This was our gingerbread house, advent activity for Wednesday:




It came out well, except that Henry flipped out when he wasn’t immediately allowed to eat all the candies, and then when he came back to the table he was “slyly” sticking his fingers in the icing and licking them WHICH WAS FINE UNTIL HE KNOCKED OVER THE WHOLE HOUSE. My icing-eating Godzilla, that one. We were able to salvage it, but in the freaking out about it he starting crying and put himself in timeout. Obviously he knew he did wrong.

And speaking of which, Spencer has ALWAYS been good about saying sorry. Henry obviously feels remorse and CAN say sorry, but he refuses to say it even if it means more time in time out. I can’t figure that kid out! How hard is it to apologize?


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It Would Be

So ... Of course the moment I push "publish" on the blog about how great the boys have been , Henry pooped in the joint bath.

Despite that, Saturday was good. I made buckwheat banana nut pancakes. I had book club, which brought me 45 minutes from home drinking unnamed shots from a flask in chocolate shot glasses at with my compatriots 20 years my senior. We went to the lights festival for our Advent activity of the night.

Sunday was not as great. I woke up with another sinus headache which stayed with me, if not in headache in nausea, all day. The boys were a handful (likely because I wasn't feeling good). Henry has been particularly stubborn and bipolar, and ended up taking a three hour nap (reminder: check for molars). We went out for a bit - C wanted to try PDQs and to check out a new gas station (I don't even know) so we drove to St Pete for lunch and then nearly to downtown Clearwater before heading home. But ultimately we came home and I felt better.

This year has been a struggle. I struggle with my self image. I struggle with my confidence in my parenting skills, my wifeing skills, my work. I look at that list on the right of what I planned on completing this year, and I'm both saddened by what I didn't accomplish and annoyed that I expected so much of myself.

I think I'm not going to make a list this next year. I want to better myself, I want to feel GOOD about myself. I want to give myself a break and just concentrate on my family. That is my only list. I am going to start working out again, running, because it made me feel good about myself. I'm going to work on date nights and SEX because it makes me a better wife. I'm going to take time to do things with my children because it makes me a better parent. I am going to take time to read and blog and tweet because it is good for me to make time for myself. I want to like myself again. I can't remember if I ever truly have.


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It was hard but it's better now.

November was hard. I know I keep saying this, but when I look back at the last month - even with it's amazing, great happenings (ahem, Blathering) I don't even know where that month went. I felt like I was angry and busy and tired and stressed all month.

It's now December Eighth. I've been slightly busy at work, slightly busy at home, and slightly busy socially as well. But somehow so far ... the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A lot of this is that the kids have been amazing lately - fighting sometimes, not listening sometimes ... but so GOOD. Or maybe I just feel like I'm listening to them more. I'm giving them more time, I'm more patient. I don't know what it is, but this last week has been good for me.

It shouldn't have been. I had two sinus migraines that rocked me. I had to take my mom to the cancer center for an all day test to find out if her cancer has spread (no news yet). My dad was in the hospital for heart issues (all tests normal). But somehow I have to press myself to remember the bad stuff. Usually, unfortunately, I remember the bad stuff and have to push myself to remember the good. But here's the good - which is at the top of my mind:

The kids have really been excellent. As I type this, they are taking a bath together and there has been no fighting, no loud noise, no splashing. Just a nice, relaxing bath. It's amazing, really.

The advent calendar has been really fun. We've done really easy things so far. Read christmas books, had a christmas treat (peppermint dove chocolate) hot chocolate, watched Christmas movies. Nothing too strenuous but things to keep us in the season. Tonight we are going to the lights festival, where they release lanterns on the river and have Christmas festivities.

One of my favorite people from college came over last weekend and spent six hours with us. The kids LOVED him. All over him, asking for him to read to them and play with them. It was so great to see Henry (suspicious and shy of strangers) climb on his lap and say "Bad! Bad! Read!" (his name is Brad, he wasn't saying he was bad).

We went over the new neighbors' house for dinner (I brought carrot cake, thanks Ginger!) and had a great time (evidently I need a thesaurus here). I was hesitant about them for reasons I won't post here but they are really sweet people and I think we have a good amount in common. It was never awkward or strange and I hope we become even better friends.

Last night my mom watched the kids and C and I went to the auto show to look at new cars. I have had my car since 2004, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's really time for some more space and something that will carry me into the teenage years with two boys. After looking at all of them, I'm leaning towards a Hyundai Elantra GT or a Kia Sportage (seriously, Kia has come a long way). I also have my eye on the new Mazda CX5 and the Subaru Outback, but this is why God made test driving. After the car show we went out to dinner and just had a nice time together, talking.

So the good outweighed the bad, which is exactly as it should be. I hope your December is as good as mine so far!

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Books I read: November

I started slow this month because I was so busy, but hustled at the end.


Encrypted - Lindsay Buroker This is the same author as the Emperor’s Edge series, and I also loved it. Maybe more, even.

A Single Thread - Marie Bostwick (audiobook) Didn’t get very far – it was grating.

Spilled Blood - Brian Freeman (audiobook) I listened to this driving back and forth for a trial in one week. It was interesting and didn’t take much of my brain. I think I would read more of his books in print.

Halfway to the Grave - Jeanine Frost Fun read, no substance.

City of Bones - Cassandra Clare My best friend mailed me this series and I loved it. I read all three in less than 72 hours. I just got the next two from the library although she told me that they weren’t as good. Must. Read. J

City of Ashes - Cassandra Clare see above

City of Glass - Cassandra Clare see above

The Bloodletter's Daughter - Linda Lafferty A girl at work let me borrow this on audiobook. It’s excellent, however I have found that I am a bit of a prude listening to talk of waving penises.


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Presents - done!

It is December 4th, and I think I have completed my kid-related shopping.

I know! (please feel free to imagine I said that like Monica)

In past years I have not showered my children with Christmas gifts. My mother always went way beyond for Christmas even though she absolutely couldn’t afford it. I don’t know how she did, or if she went into debt every December, but I can absolutely tell you I didn’t appreciate it. I felt with my own kids that I’d rather them appreciate the few things they get and treasure the FEELING of Christmas than have so many things they don’t even know where they came from.

I did.

I can see where my mom was coming from though. While my older son does the “I WANT THAT” at every commercial, I have not listened to a single thing. However, I have found so many things I WANT for them. I can see now why my mom went so crazy at Christmastime. Thankfully, Spencer’s birthday is in February, so if I find more to buy between now and Christmas I can put it away for his birthday.

Here is the list of stuff that will be under the tree:

S-
Tag Reader (I found a Toy Story one that comes with a book)
Tag Space activity book
Don’t Spill the Beans
A look and see book
A Space Dr Suess book
An iPad Angry Birds game piece/app
avengers towel
iron man hat and glasses
chutes and ladders


H-
2 new games for his iXL
Gator Golf
A look and see book
A piano Disney book
Army men
spiderman hat and glasses
monster towel
Ice Age

In the stockings:
Trainer chopsticks
Play dinosaurs
A handheld racing game for S and a magnadoodle for H
Jump ropes
Fruit
1 box of chewy candies

Also, my mom is getting Brave for Spencer and Finding Nemo for Henry. Now I just have to finish the rest of my shopping for EVERYONE ELSE. Someone please tell me what to get my father in law?? Please?

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Things in the plural

I wish I had enough to say in one thought to make a whole post, but I’m a little scatterbrained today so here are some things rolling around in my head:

· Do you ever used jarred alfredo? I don’t, because I had only tried the Classico varieties, which I don’t feel taste anything like alfredo. The other day, though, I had a craving and didn’t want to go to a restaurant and didn’t feel like making it myself. I was wandering down the aisles at the grocery store and came across Mario Batali’s sauce and thought I’d try it. Contains real cream! Seriously, folks, this was restaurant caliber stuff. I sautéed mushrooms onions and spinach and cooked up some roasted veggie and chicken sausages, mixed the whole thing together with fettuccine … Good stuff. I had some for lunch today and the rest of it is my lunch for tomorrow. I will be sad to see it go, but glad to see it go down my gullet.

· Our first two days of Advent calendaring have been a success. Day one was donate to a needy child, and we adopted a three year old girl from the foster tree my company put up. She wanted play food, so we got a couple of those Melissa and Doug play sets, and couple shirts and a pair of pants. I’m thinking of trying to find a reasonably priced pair of tennis shoes too before I bring it all in, and one of those Seek and Find books. S still doesn’t exactly understand (I gave him a long explanation about how she doesn’t have mommy and daddy to help santa with his shopping but I think it was all lost on him; he’s a very idealistic four year old) but I felt happy having done it.

· Day two we watched Christmas movies: The Santa Clause and Home Alone. They’re still too young to really appreciate live action Christmas movies, but it was nostalgic for me to watch. The Santa Clause was my brother’s favorite movie when he was three to five, and we watched it several times a week year round. I saw Home Alone ELEVEN times in the theater when it came out. Today is “read a Christmas book” so S has asked me to stop by the library to get a NEW Christmas book to read. Roger that, buckaroo!

· I have found a new feed reader for my iPad, and I’m in love. I have a hard time commenting on blogs because it’s near impossible on my phone and it’s still a little annoying from Feedly. Plus, once you read things on Feedly it disappears and if you can’t remember who said something it’s pretty hard to locate that blog again to comment later! Yesterday I downloaded an app called Mr. Reader (and it has a top hat and moustache!) and I really like it. I can comment directly from my feed instead of opening up in the browser, and I can add blogs too! Watch out world, I may stop lurking again!

· I’m torn between loving the weather these days and hating that it’s nearly 80 degrees in December. We’re trying to savor it, and had the splash pool filled up again this weekend. But I want fires in the fireplace and chilly mornings with my coffee! Where is winter?

· I got a haircut. Hurray!




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