Dusting off, Don't let the door hit you 2016, and 2017 intentions

I've tried, I really have. I even did one of those "Day in the Life" posts to kick things off, but ugh. My life is so boring. So here I am without fanfare. (*edited to add that I ended up doing one of those end-of-year surveys yesterday, which was boring and depressing. This post now feels redundant but I'm doing it anyhow.)

Things are ... better. I'm still down, and I still have wild ups and downs. I'm seeing a therapist, although I haven't lit the fire under my butt to do some of the homework he's assigned me (I have an aversion to self-help books). I haven't been reading at all - I don't have the head space for anything except re-watching Veronica Mars over and over.

I did watch Die Hard for the first time, Christmas Eve.

It's been a terrible year. No one close to me has died, the state of the world has me continually hyperventilating and donating money to this and that organization.

The kids are perpetually okay though. My saving grace. And my husband has been so gracious in the face of all my nonsense.

2017 is hopefully the year I get myself together. Here are my resolutions/intentions:

Jennie is doing the BBL again this year, and I'm all in. It's not so much about the losing weight, but I really hate *how I look* and I need to resolve that for myself. So BBL for me, this year, is about self-care. Working on my mental health issues. Taking time for myself. Getting my family onto more vegetables and water and on less sugar. Drinking less (none in January, we'll talk after that). Find a psychiatrist (right now my GP is prescribing my anxiety and anti-depressants and that isn't working for the long term). Do the homework the doctor recommends. Like myself.

We desperately need more room for our family, but I think after some serious looking and discussing about how much we would have to put down, we think we'll wait a year. One year, to save as much as we can and make an honest list of what needs doing around our house now, and we'll work on those things. I'm not giving up the couple of trips I have planned, although I'm going to set aside the money for them immediately so we don't take the hit in March and April. We're going to pay off my car so we don't have any more debt except the house, and then we're going to save save save save. This time next year hopefully we can truly afford our forever house instead of settling for something that isn't at all what we want.

I hope to be around here more, because I think that when I'm feeling okay - not on top of the world, just normal. I'm here. So ideally, I'll be here.

Avada Kedavra, 2016.

2016 recap

I wasn't going to do this, but then AS did it, so I thought maybe it was time. I have another post waiting in the wings that will be my final 2016 post if I can get it together to plug my phone into my home computer for pictures, but here's to giving 2016 the ol' heave ho.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Voluntarily went to a therapist. Made many many doctor’s appointments and kept them all. Acknowledged going off the rails and needing help. Scheduled my son for surgery and stood outside while they wheeled him away, and then fretted over him for three months as he recuperated.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

*looks back to see if I even even made any new year’s resolutions* It appears I made a bunch of fitness resolutions and didn’t keep any of them; I did make half-year resolutions on my birthday and promptly life went off the rails and whatever. The second half of this year was so hard that I don’t even remember when things were good. I made 2017 intentions. I intend to keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister had a baby. I’m not close to her, and I’ve only met him once but he’s a charmer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but that doesn’t make any of those deaths unimportant. (my uncle is having major surgery this afternoon, so ….)

5. Where did you travel?

Kansas! Illinois! Williamsburg!

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? 

More self-esteem; more decision-making capabilities. More space and more ability to relax.

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

August 2, 2016, Spencer’s surgery. Honestly the rest of the year is a giant hazy smokescreen.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Asking for help. Accepting help. Reaching out for the edge of the cliff.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My temper. That fuse is so short, man.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not of the physical variety, that I can think of. I really … I don’t know?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to visit Dawn in Kansas. It feels like a lifetime ago.

12. Where did most of your money go? 

Children. Medical bills.

13. What did you get really excited about? 

I can’t remember being truly excited for anything. Seeing Dawn. Going to Hoopla.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? So much sadder. So, so much.

– thinner or fatter? I think the same, pound-wise. Probably wider though.

– richer or poorer? I think about the same.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Relaxing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yelling at my kids. Listening to whining. Sleeping during daylight hours.

18. How did you spend Christmas? 

Christmas Eve we drove around and looked at lights and had Starbucks and counted ight-up snowmen and listened to Christmas music. Christmas Day we had family over for breakfast and gifts and then went to my MIL’s for dinner and gifts and more family time.

19. What was your favorite TV program? 

Veronica Mars. I didn’t much have the head space for anything new.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Anything by Leigh Barduga, Court of Mist and Fury by Sara J Maas, A Great Reckoning (the latest Louise Penny book). I didn’t read as much, especially the last half of the year. I’m on #110 (Little Women).

21. What was your favorite music this year?

Hamilton. Podcasts.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Rogue One, Fantastic Beasts, Kubo and the Two Strings

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We went to Williamsburg the week before my birthday and came home two days before, so on my birthday I cleaned house and didn’t do much of anything. Made a lot of resolutions that I promptly didn’t keep. 36, it’s living the dream.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

PRESIDENT HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON (I’m keeping this answer.)

25. What was the political issue you that stirred you?

Every political issue gave me such high anxiety that I waffled between sticking my head in the sand to wallowing in it all.

26. What kept you sane?

I know such wonderful people.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

I am worth being.

Life

I'm not living life well right now. I'm starting this on 10/13. I've deleted social media from my phone except for messenger to keep my friends close without being exposed to things that tend to make me hyperventilate. If only I could figure out what those things are. 

I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to blogging. Not my old way anyhow. I just thought, maybe, I'd keep a collection. Thoughts I need to get out of my brain. Things I would normally put on Twitter or Facebook but don't have that outlet. I don't know if anyone will read this. 

I've cried several times tonight. I was wandering around our small kitchen trying to will myself to start dinner (shrimp was thawed, it was the starting point I lacked). C stopped my nervous round and round movements and I just sobbed on his chest. I don't know why. He asked me what needed starting and got rice on while I de-tailed the shrimp. Once I started, it was autopilot. The movement of cooking is so soothing, but everything tastes the same. I eat because I'm supposed to eat. 

The second time was when a friend texted a picture of a sunset. It was so beautiful. I can always tell where my headspace is when in a good spot because my drive home includes going over a bridge and the glitter of the sun on the water makes everything sparkle. I didn't notice the water at all today. Was there even sun? C talked me into sitting outside earlier while he practiced baseball with the boys. It was better than bed. I'm so tired.

Half year resolutions

I wrote this post in the car coming home from vacation on Sunday and then it ceased to exist on my iPad. Sigh. It makes it so much harder to crank out actual thoughtful posts in a timely fashion when you have to think of what and how you want to write, the same thing twice.

Anyhow, today is my birthday. I've been thinking for the past few weeks that I'd like to make a few resolutions of how to work on the second half of my year, the first half of my 36th year. So here goes. I'm pretty sure this was more eloquent the first time I said it - we can pretend, right?

a) Get healthy. This is always a New Years resolution, isn't it? It's really not about pounds, although that is always a little bit of a concern - how tightly I'm fitting into non-leggings, but I feel noticeably weaker. I get tired faster. I get headaches in the heat more. I have less stamina, endurance, etc. ... whatever you want to call it. So now that my birthday is passed, I am hanging up the weekday alcohol. I'm making better decisions with food - more lean proteins and veggies and complex carbs, less dairy and pasta and alcohol (right after I finish this glass of wine). More water. Less sugar. I want to start running and/or working out five times a week again. Ideally, 3x running and 2x strength training. I want to feel better.

b) Get healthy emotionally. I need a therapist. I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks and I need to address this. I've been putting it off because it's not covered by my health insurance but I need to buck up and deal with shit. Also I need to do more things on my own, for myself.

c) no-buy July, September, November, except for Christmas gifts and birthday gifts.

d) Learn Spanish. So I don't know if I can, at my old age, but it's so frustrating to not know what is being said around you. I live in a very Hispanic area. Most of the parents on my son's baseball team speak prodominantly Spanish. There were a couple who tried to switch to English to make me feel more welcome, but mostly I felt excluded. This is a skill I should have, in this day and age. So I'm playing Duolingo. I'm going to work on Rosetta Stone. I'm going to see about checking some Spanish learning CDs and books from the library. I might as well see if this brain still works.

e) there was something else, and I'm sure I'll remember after I hit publish, so this is a placeholder. I have one more expectation of myself for the second half of 2016.

Books I Read: May 2016

May

reread:

11. Dragonfly in Amber - Diana Gabaldon still meh

12. The Wrath and the Dawn - Renee Ahdieh (audio)

13. A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J Maas

new:

32. The Last Letter from Your Lover - Jojo Moyes fantastic

33. The Wrath and the Dawn - Renee Ahdieh beautifully written

34. The Glittering Court - Richelle Mead

35. The Rose Garden - Susanna Kearsley lovely

36. The Raven King - Maggie Stiefvater sigh <3 div="">

37. The Rose and the Dagger - Renee Ahdieh (audio)

38. The Winner’s Curse - Marie Rutkoski (loved this series)

39. The Winner’s Crime - Marie Rutkoski

40. The Winner’s Kiss - Marie Rutkoski

41. Pretty Girls - Karin Slaughter underwhelmed

42. Silent Blade - Ilona Andrews

Currently (in fifteen minutes)

I have a dearth of time but I want to, so very much wish to post. So here it goes – how fast can I do it? And will it suck? Signs point to possibly, but hey, what can you do? We all do our best.

Currently, a la Katy Upperman.

Loving

This is the best thing on the internet right now.

Reading

I finished rereading A Court of Thorns and Roses in anticipation of A Court of Mist and Fury, which I’m still waiting on from Overdrive (I’m next! I’m next!) but I’m having trouble finding a book that really speaks to me. I had really good May books. I need good recommendations for June books. I was underwhelmed by Karin Slaughter’s Pretty Girls despite (because of?) they hype, and I haven’t been able to get into Michael Scott’s The Alchemyst. I'll post my read in May books ... soon? I need recommendations for now though.

Watching

Baseball. I loved the first season of Glee but I haven’t cared enough to watch any more. You know what I want to be able to watch? CSI. Why is it Miami and NY are available but good old Vegas is nowhere?

Listening To

Classic Vinyl on Sirius.

Oh! Also, I listened to Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe and LMM narrates it and WHERE IS MY HEART-EYED EMOJI? I had thoughts and feelings and opinions about the ending, but I don’t want to ruin it so I’ll keep my opinions to myself. The  voice of the book as voiced by Lin though, broad smile. Broad Smile.

Thinking About

Everything I’m not doing while I type.

Anticipating

WILLIAMSBURG. We leave in 19 days. Man, I need an extended vacation. I’m so scared of what I come back to though.

Wishing

Magically I was on top of everything

Making Me Happy

 

Currently...

I don’t know what to say today.

So I’ve started a couple posts with this sentence and then haven’t gotten past that because man, things are busy these days.

So let’s start things back in motion with a try at a “currently” post, shall we? Yes, let’s do that.

Loving

I’ve been walking twice a day with coworkers and it’s been so good to get away from my desk. Mental health is underrated.

Reading

In the last week (okay, maybe four days) I’ve read the Winner’s Curse trilogy (fantastic), The Raven King (is there a word for better than fantastic?) and The Rose Garden (which was lovely but paled next to the others and I’m glad I read it first).

My plan is to read The Raven King again before it has to go back to the library.

Watching

You thought I was going to say baseball, right?

Well yes, but also hockey. Go Bolts!

Listening to

Right this very second I’m listening to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Hits on Prime Music.

Good stuff.

This morning I finished listening to The Wrath and the Dawn by audio (I read the print earlier this month) and it was delight to the eyes and the ears. I have The Rose and the Dagger downloaded to start this afternoon on my drive home from work.

Thinking about

I finally got an orthopedic appointment for Spencer scheduled for tomorrow so I had to go through all the intake forms for him and I’ve been thinking about that. I’m not going to the appointment and it’s hard for me to let it go. My husband is perfectly capable.

Anticipating

I go to Kansas to see Dawn in SIX DAYS. And see the Rays play the Royals and spend quality time not working.

I went to find photo number 1 but then couldn't not use photo number 2 also. Sigh. Love that girl.

Wishing

 It was the weekend already.

Making Me Happy

No-buy continues, Mother’s day and more baseball

I’ve done pretty good on my no-buy lately, although I have to admit that I haven’t been keeping track as well as I should.

5/8 I thought about flowers for my mom but they were unrealistic since she drives a scooter so I didn’t end up getting anything until early Sunday morning when I took myself to Walgreens and got chocolates etc for her and my sister. $35. Doing this earlier in the week probably would have been cheaper.

I know that C spent a bit of money getting foodstuff for hanging out at his parents’ house for Mother’s Day but I’m choosing to ignore those expenses as reasonable and necessary. Food=good.

Other than making sure I had wine and beer in the house when I went grocery shopping, I haven’t bought anything else. I've THOUGHT about buying things, and one night I even dreamt I bought a bunch of things on Amazon but I have not done so.

So. Mother’s Day! I have been fraught with anxiety and thinking about Mother’s Day took me over the edge on Friday and I went home to lay down for three hours and eat cheap macaroni and cheese. I made some decisions though, and on Sunday I carried them out. I made overnight French toast and left explicit instruction on baking so that I could sleep in. I am incapable of sleeping in and rose at 6:53a, but I tried and they tried which is all that mattered. 

I got several hours with my family, and then the boys and I packed up and headed to the hospital with my mom to spend some time with new baby and my sister. That again ended up being a lot of nonsense, but I did get to see new baby and my sister for 10 minutes and the boys were uncommonly good at the hospital. At exactly when I said we needed to leave, we headed home, dropped off my mom and spent the rest of the day at my inlaws’ house eating fried chicken and Cubans and eight million chips and veggies soaked in ranch. It was a good time.

(side note because I just reread my last post: C took the boys shopping for me for MD and I said “I want bath stuff and/or chocolate” and got my bath bombs. I went for direct. Score!)

My anxiety came back with a rush around 5pm, but since we had taken two cars to my inlaws’ house I packed myself home for a quiet moment and a bath before everyone else came home. We might need to do that every time we go anywhere; it was so freeing to say “whelp, this was lovely but I’ve had enough and ciao!” without waiting for everyone else to be ready to go.

Monday we found out that S made the AllStar team and that is exciting! But wow, expensive. (I’m not really surprised but there was a slight bit of sticker shock still) We had wanted him to find out when they called his name at closing ceremonies but then practice started this week and he had to be told. However, he went through practice and didn’t understand that he was on the Allstars, he just thought they were letting him practice with them so that was a little amusing.

AllStars puts a slight crimp in our vacation plans as regionals is the same weekend we planned to leave, but we’ll end up spending the weekend at a hotel in the city of the tournament and then leaving direct from there Sunday night. Now that we have specifics on when practice and games are, we’ll be able to actually plan vacation and other things that come up. I love actually being able to plan. 

House buying, no-buy May and Whole 30-ish too.

We’ve been talking about buying a new house here for the past several months and have started driving neighborhoods and crunching numbers. We’ve been deciding what really matters to us (me: 4+ bedrooms, pool or community pool, fireplace, sidewalks. Him: good deal, office, space, no major immediate updating needed).

So for years we’ve lived far within our means, which means that we can dine out when we want and order from Amazon when we want and generally not worry and even still save money. It’s been lovely, but now we need to get real. I decided to do a no-buy this month because honestly, it’s out of hand. I need to just say no to Amazon. Make a meal plan and stick to it. Not run to Target and accidentally spend … well, you know what we all spend at Target on an unplanned run.

It helped that Stephany blogged that she was going to do one, so here I am. Admittedly, it hasn’t gone perfectly so far, but I can at least say that I thought about every dollar spent and how to change that for the rest of the month.

5/1: we had plans with the baseball team to go to Culver’s, so that was $25. This was already a planned expense because we’re going to do the kid stuff. It is what it is.

Also, midday a friend messaged me to ask if I wanted to go to a musical with her. I didn’t have to pay for the ticket, but I did buy myself two glasses of wine. $16.

5/2: I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and breakfast, but I have money in my account so I’m not sure yet if this counts. But anyhow, $11. My sister had her baby, which was unexpected, and I picked my mom up and took her down to the hospital. Coffees and waters at the cafeteria $6

5/3: I forgot to pack myself a lunch for work, and with the insanity of some professional stuff, I did not take a lunch and ate from the vending machine. Cheetos and Dr. Pepper: $2.

Today I brought my breakfast and lunch and my water bottle so hopefully even though I left my La Croix at home I’ll be good.

I did my grocery shopping for the week and only forgot one thing, so I’m going to make myself a very specific list to get in and out without buying up the store. I’m trying to decide if I want to buy bath bombs or make comments tonight about needing them and see if they show up for Mother’s Day.

So obviously also, my expectation to try to do Whole 30 has not worked out well either. I’ve been a bit more purposeful in my carb-loading that’s a lie. I haven’t made pasta or rice with dinner. That’s the only truth. I want to try. That’s a truth. Once the rum cake my MIL got me in the Caribbean is gone, I’ll see what I can do. Tomorrow is another day. Truth.

Books I Read: April 2016

reread:

10. Shattered Silk - Barbara Michaels In high school I loved this book and it kept coming back to me so I picked it up from the library for a fun reread.

new:

22. Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard After having a long trouble of settling down with books, I read these in a weekend, staying up until obscene times of the night to finish. I loved them.

23. Queen Song - Victoria Aveyard 

24. Glass Sword - Victoria Aveyard

25. Soundless - Richelle Mead Very different for Mead. I liked.

26. Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow (audio) I might never finish listening to this but I'm loving it. There's such an obvious bias that I'm now interested in reading more about the other founding fathers to get a better picture of all sides. I found out that somoene I'm acquainted with through work wrote several books about Jefferson, so that might be my next foray into political biography.

27. Spirit Gate - Kate Elliott I thought the reason I couldn't get into Black Wolves was because I didn't read the prior trilogy, but it wasn't the case. Everytime I got attached to a character, she killed them off and I had trouble following the full plot. Just wasn't to be.

Black Wolves - Kate Elliott and since the prior trilogy wasn't to be, I finally put this to bed. Not everything is perfect.

28. Ammie, Come Home - Barbara Michaels This was a fun little palate cleanser of a spooky book. I can't believe I read all of Michaels' other books in my teens and missed this one.

29. Steel Scars - Victoria Aveyard not as good as the rest of the books but a short fun read.

30. Hamilton: The Revolution - Lin-Manuel Miranda This has been bedtime reading for the past week and I'm loving it.

31. Alif the Unseen - G. Willow Wilson This was beautiful and strange and I didn't understand half of it and loved it anyhow. I might need to buy and reread this a few times.

Currently

I'm in for a dose of Currently with Katy Upperman!

Loving

This comes with a story. For my birthday, or Christmas, or some such holiday a couple years ago, I asked my husband for a pink wallet. I really wanted a pink wallet. He ordered me a beautiful leather wallet … but since he ordered it, he *thought* it was pink (or a salmon, I suppose) via the computer monitor, but it was red. Red. Very red. It was a very nice wallet otherwise and I used it with gusto, but I never stopped wanting my pink wallet.

Anyhow, two weekends ago I went to Macy’s to try to use up some store credit and found a lovely pink wallet and they were doing this ludicrous thing (ludicrous, Macy’s, really) where you could “preorder” your purchases utilizing a 25% friends and family coupon but then they had to keep your purchases for a week. So I bought it and went back Saturday to pick it up and it’s so pretty. I love my wallet. I would have also loved to have taken it home with me a week ago, but whatever.

Reading

I’m reading Alif the Unseen right now, which I get but also I don’t get. It’s set in the Middle East, and very interesting but some just goes straight over my head. I’m engrossed though.

Also the Hamiltome. So fascinating.

Watching

The answer to this is always baseball.

Listening to

The Chernow biography, still. I love it but I might be listening for the rest of my natural life. 20 hours and 42 minutes left. Chapter 19 of 44.

Also listening to Chuck as background sound. I can’t list under “watching” because I only get to listen but I’ve seen it so many times I’m good with that.

Thinking About

We’ve got a number of appointments coming up. Francine has a surgery tomorrow; dental appointments are set for the entire family, and S has an orthopedic appointment. All in the next 8 days. So that’s pretty much taking up all my brain power. Oh, and work.

Anticipating

S has a baseball tournament this weekend. I dreamed about it, so apparently I’m anticipating that.

Wishing

For extra time in the day. Every. Single. Day.

Making Me Happy

 

Currently ...

I took pictures for a day in the life post last week, but then I never got around to posting/writing it. I’m trying to decide if I should just move on and do it today or move on or try to do a whole new one. It would be excellent if I could write AND post things I mean to do, right? In the meantime, I’m hooking up with Katy Upperman for a little Currently action.

Currently:

Loving

I’m firmly entrenched in the LuLaRoe phenomena. “I like your new dress/skirt/leggings/etc!” Thanks! It’s LulaRoe, like the rest of my current closet.

Reading

I still haven’t been able to sit still for reading, but this weekend I demolished the first two books of Red Queen and one of the short stories. So much fun.  Now I’m reading Soundless by Richelle Mead and I’ve got half a dozen ebooks from the library right now so I should get on that.

Watching

BASEBALL HALLELUJAH

Also, Big Bang Theory. I’m two seasons behind but I’m catching up quick!

Listening to

Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton on Audible. I have 34 hours left, so check back with me in two weeks; I’ll probably still be at it. It is fascinating though! I’m very bad at history and slept through every history class I ever took and I haven’t nodded off yet. Commendable.

I’m also listening to My Girl while I do some things and Thomas J is getting stung to death by bees right this very second and *weep*.

Thinking about

Everything except what I am currently trying to get done. The struggle is real, today.

Anticipating

I set up a trip to visit a wonderful friend in Kansas, and so now I’m all excited. I get to see my dear friend and we’re going to a Royals/Rays game and Woo!

Wishing

For more hours in the day. More hours in the night too; I could really use some good honest sleep.

Making Me Happy

   

Books I read: March

I have been incapable of sitting down and reading for a while now. Thank goodness for audiobooks, is what I'm saying. I didn't get a lot read in March, but I'm okay with that. The whole point of reading for fun is to be able to read for fun. When it's fun.

reread:
8. Outlander - Diane Gabaldon (audio) I loved the narrator's voice. LOVED it. However, things bothered me about the book that didn't previously when I read in print. That's the way things go sometimes when you reread though, yes?

9. Attachments - Rainbow Rowell (audio) still so fun.

new:
17. The Lake House - Kate Morton (audio) husband: so does that have Keanu Reeves in it? ha. Good book.

18. Life and Death - Stephenie Meyer This was technically better written. Better edited. And just dull.

19. 11/22/63 - Stephen King (audio) I loved this up until the end. I can't explain what I didn't like unless you've read the book and I won't spoil it here. Just. Grr. Also though, it was fantastic.

All the Light We Cannot see (audio) I didn't get to finish reading the print so I downloaded the Audible, and it's wonderful. Will finish in April.

20. When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi short and amazing, read on a plane.

21. Morning Star - Pierce Brown An amazing end to this trilogy. Really. Amazing.

Where do we go from here?

My current status is with glass of La Crema Pinot Noir and a hummus plate in an airport. I’m working on some work billing, waiting two hours for my flight to come and ferry me home. I have an audiobook on my headphones, although I’ve paused to type through this. What waits for me at home? Husband and son will be at baseball practice, younger son will be riding his scooter around the fields, I have fundraising orders to pick up and organize, dinner to make (not gonna lie, I’m thinking veggie ramen). I’m in the middle of reading or listening to five books and I stalled in the third season of The Good Wife.

I haven’t been here. I’ve been around; I’ve been reading and commenting and twittering. My Instagram is up to date (today is a timehop photo of Henry fighting the Dark Side naked! Classic!) I’ve been trolling the LulaRoe facebook groups and watching the political races with fascinated disgust. I’ve been somewhat wandering around in the dark, feeling around for a lightswitch.

Personally, I think there are some things I could use working through, but I can’t figure out how to talk through it. How to write through it, how to type through it. Words haven’t formed in my head yet. C keeps asking me if I’m okay, and … I don’t know. I think I am? I think I have hit the point where I’m ready to accept needing a therapist. That’s a big step, right? I was a psych major for a bit, and us psych majors – we have all the answers. We know all the right words to pretend everything is okay. “I know such and such isn’t my fault, I know it’s an ebb and flow sort of nonsense ….” Ad nauseum. I can fix other people’s problems. I’m a fixer. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me to fix me.

Unfortunately, I don’t think meds are the answer for me anymore. It would be nice, right? I was on meds for a long time. I still have the scripts, just in case. I have nothing against prescription meds, and I won’t hate being on them again. I stopped because even though it tempered my anxiety, it also dulled every feeling good and bad. I stopped caring.

Over the next three months, I have thirteen work trips. S has 15 baseball games and twelve practices and somehow I need to get H doing something extracurricular. Or I think I do. Do I? There's laundry and dinners and cleaning and cat litter and homework and so much actual work.

I know that my marriage has taken a backseat to the rest of our lives. I know that’s dangerous. I don’t know how to turn that around. I love my husband. I know he loves me. I know we are solid. But I also know neither of us are trying very hard right now.

I feel on the verge of crying, all the time. I find myself zoning out like it's my job. I'm feeling constantly over-emotional and yet I think I'm emoting at a level zero. I feel like I’m playing fast and loose with my life and with so many balls in the air, something is going to hit the ground. I'm lost.

I haven’t had the time for here. This has been a ball I’ve dropped. Hopefully I can find a place for my blog, but in the meantime, I’m here. I swear it. And in the meantime, I'll stop weeping in airports.

                

Books I read: February 2016

This was a weird month for reading for me. I had a hard time settling down with words on the page ans spent a lot of time watching The Good Wife and Fuller House and other such nonsense, but I listened to a lot of audiobooks. I have an influx of good books waiting for me on Overdrive that I need to get to, lest I have to wait 10 months to see them again though.

reread:

4. Shiver - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

5. Linger - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

6. Forever - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

7. Sinner - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

New:

(finished The Goldfinch - audio) BLAH.

 10. Manners & Mutiny - Gail Carriger Oh, cute fun. I love these books.

11. Shattered Past - Lindsay Buroker I feel like my wonderful Lindsay is getting a little formulaic in her "rough but earnest misunderstood male lead falls for the difficult woman and vice versa" thing she's been doing, but I still love her and will still read anything she writes. I just hope she gets back to the magic that kept us reading for 6 books before there was even a kiss. We don't need romance all the time, I swear it.

12. Wolves (Bring the Fire I) - C Gockel OOOOkay. I didn't realize "Loki series" meant Thor and Loki fanfic, and that's not what I signed on for. DNF.

3. 99 Days - Katie Cotugno I did not read the other book, I saw this in Target and thought it looked cute, didn't realize there was more to the story. I thought it mostly stood on its own though, and I liked it.

14. Court of Fives - Kate Elliott (audio) I loved this.

15. Black Wolves - Kate Elliott I'm having the devil of a time getting into this book, which is so strange to me because I have devoured her other books as easy, fun interesting candy. This one is more disjointed and I can't see to follow it. Will hope to finish in March though. I'm hoping to get sucked in late (I stopped to read All the Light bc of Overdrive expiration deadlines)

16. All the Light We Cannot See - Anthony Doerr I'm enjoying this but I'm not reading fast enough which is giving me anxiety because I had this on request since MAY 2015. It is beautiful though, I just need to dedicate myself to my craft of reading with more purpose. I'll finish in March.

photo friday

It’s been a busy week between work and home and baseball practice so I’m feeling far behind on life these days. I was invited to a friend’s house Thursday night and I didn’t even realize I didn’t confirm I couldn’t go until 20 minutes after I should have been there and I still haven’t made my apologies and I feel wretched about it (that’s next after I grind this out) (it’s not as bad as all that, it was for an essential oils class/party, but I feel bad about not giving her a firm yes or no, and I did want to see her)

So. Anyhow, here’s a few pictures that make up my week.

lunch with the birthday boy.

birthday cupcakes at the ball field

new bike

birthday time at the local arcade

hide and seek - can you find S's friend?

dress up is still a favorite activities

Francine cleaning my plate.

Okay, it's Florida and it's not snowing but shoot, COLD.

Target Valentines FTW.

What I read: January 2016

I meant to get this up on the first, as I'd like to get these up on every first, but man, life happens. Today was my due date, eight years ago. We went to a Superbowl party. Spencer stayed put.

Here's what I read in January:

 reread:
1. The Raven Boys - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)
2. The Dream Thieves - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)
3. Blue Lily, Lily Blue - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

new:
1. Soulblade - Lindsay Buroker 
2. Fates and Furies - Lauren Groff (audio)
3. Kitchens of the Great Midwest - J. Ryan Stradal 
4. Bridge to Terabithia - Katherine Patterson 
5. Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty 
6. Six of Crows - Leigh Barduga
7. Simon and the Homo Sapien Agenda - Becky Albertalli
8. Case Histories - Kate Atkinson (expired before I got too interested, but I was a good 80 pages in. I'll try again)
9. The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt (audio) (still listening to in February, 32 hours is a lot of hours)

It was a good month for audiobooks, apparently. Good month. Good books.

Currently...

This week I’m going to do this currently thing from Katy ON the currently day! How about that? It also just so happens that I have half a Friday Five from last week that I never finished and I thought I’d get on this before I let any more time slip through my fingertips. You know how that goes.

Loving

My favorite work lunch currently.

Reading

I’m listening to The Goldfinch by audiobook. I kept putting off reading because everyone told me what a tome it is (it sat from the library on my nightstand for a while last year) and yes, it is 32 hours long, it’s good so far! (I’d tell you how far along I am, but Overdrive just updated and looks completely different. I shall investigate.)

 

I never got through Case Histories before it expired. I finally got more into the story but it never really grabbed me. I have the next Finishing School book awaiting me on the library queue and I downloaded Lindsay Buroker’s newest book so I’ve got plenty of fun books to keep me company. I also downloaded a couple 1.99 books that looked promising last night in a fog of exhaustion when I couldn’t sleep.

Watching

Did I tell you we got rid of cable? We so rarely watch television, we pared down to the basics until baseball starts again. So. I’m not watching anything? I started Making a Murderer last week but I haven’t picked it back up after turning off the tv to do something. My coworker handed over the Bluray of the sixth season of Downton Abbey, so maybe I’ll start that tonight.

Listening to

Besides The Goldfinch, we’ve been listening to a lot of Hamilton. There’s one specific song that I skip for the kids all together, but mostly I hope that they don’t pick up the sex parts and enjoy the rest of it. Spencer likes to read the liner notes though, so I’m sure he knows all the words, including “it’s hard to have intercourse over four sets of corsets”.

Thinking about

Pony baseball started! I am again, team mom, and so I’m currently thinking about how to get new dirt on our field, getting the ants taken care of, ordering pants, what kids weren’t at first practice. I need to write out one of my notoriously long emails to the parents spelling out times and dates and points of note.

Anticipating

I have to be out of town a couple days this week for work, and I’m anticipating that trip. I need to pare down my packing to basically a change of clothes, a toothbrush since it’s one of those small planes. Side eye, right here. I don’t want to go.

Wishing

There were more hours in the day. I’d devote some of the extra to work and some of it to sleep so I could enjoy the current time with my family without something in the back of my mind.

Making Me Happy

I’ve made some late night impulse purchases of Lularoe and Stella and Dot, so those impending packages make me happy.