Dusting off, Don't let the door hit you 2016, and 2017 intentions

I've tried, I really have. I even did one of those "Day in the Life" posts to kick things off, but ugh. My life is so boring. So here I am without fanfare. (*edited to add that I ended up doing one of those end-of-year surveys yesterday, which was boring and depressing. This post now feels redundant but I'm doing it anyhow.)

Things are ... better. I'm still down, and I still have wild ups and downs. I'm seeing a therapist, although I haven't lit the fire under my butt to do some of the homework he's assigned me (I have an aversion to self-help books). I haven't been reading at all - I don't have the head space for anything except re-watching Veronica Mars over and over.

I did watch Die Hard for the first time, Christmas Eve.

It's been a terrible year. No one close to me has died, the state of the world has me continually hyperventilating and donating money to this and that organization.

The kids are perpetually okay though. My saving grace. And my husband has been so gracious in the face of all my nonsense.

2017 is hopefully the year I get myself together. Here are my resolutions/intentions:

Jennie is doing the BBL again this year, and I'm all in. It's not so much about the losing weight, but I really hate *how I look* and I need to resolve that for myself. So BBL for me, this year, is about self-care. Working on my mental health issues. Taking time for myself. Getting my family onto more vegetables and water and on less sugar. Drinking less (none in January, we'll talk after that). Find a psychiatrist (right now my GP is prescribing my anxiety and anti-depressants and that isn't working for the long term). Do the homework the doctor recommends. Like myself.

We desperately need more room for our family, but I think after some serious looking and discussing about how much we would have to put down, we think we'll wait a year. One year, to save as much as we can and make an honest list of what needs doing around our house now, and we'll work on those things. I'm not giving up the couple of trips I have planned, although I'm going to set aside the money for them immediately so we don't take the hit in March and April. We're going to pay off my car so we don't have any more debt except the house, and then we're going to save save save save. This time next year hopefully we can truly afford our forever house instead of settling for something that isn't at all what we want.

I hope to be around here more, because I think that when I'm feeling okay - not on top of the world, just normal. I'm here. So ideally, I'll be here.

Avada Kedavra, 2016.

2016 recap

I wasn't going to do this, but then AS did it, so I thought maybe it was time. I have another post waiting in the wings that will be my final 2016 post if I can get it together to plug my phone into my home computer for pictures, but here's to giving 2016 the ol' heave ho.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Voluntarily went to a therapist. Made many many doctor’s appointments and kept them all. Acknowledged going off the rails and needing help. Scheduled my son for surgery and stood outside while they wheeled him away, and then fretted over him for three months as he recuperated.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

*looks back to see if I even even made any new year’s resolutions* It appears I made a bunch of fitness resolutions and didn’t keep any of them; I did make half-year resolutions on my birthday and promptly life went off the rails and whatever. The second half of this year was so hard that I don’t even remember when things were good. I made 2017 intentions. I intend to keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister had a baby. I’m not close to her, and I’ve only met him once but he’s a charmer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but that doesn’t make any of those deaths unimportant. (my uncle is having major surgery this afternoon, so ….)

5. Where did you travel?

Kansas! Illinois! Williamsburg!

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? 

More self-esteem; more decision-making capabilities. More space and more ability to relax.

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

August 2, 2016, Spencer’s surgery. Honestly the rest of the year is a giant hazy smokescreen.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Asking for help. Accepting help. Reaching out for the edge of the cliff.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My temper. That fuse is so short, man.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not of the physical variety, that I can think of. I really … I don’t know?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to visit Dawn in Kansas. It feels like a lifetime ago.

12. Where did most of your money go? 

Children. Medical bills.

13. What did you get really excited about? 

I can’t remember being truly excited for anything. Seeing Dawn. Going to Hoopla.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? So much sadder. So, so much.

– thinner or fatter? I think the same, pound-wise. Probably wider though.

– richer or poorer? I think about the same.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Relaxing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yelling at my kids. Listening to whining. Sleeping during daylight hours.

18. How did you spend Christmas? 

Christmas Eve we drove around and looked at lights and had Starbucks and counted ight-up snowmen and listened to Christmas music. Christmas Day we had family over for breakfast and gifts and then went to my MIL’s for dinner and gifts and more family time.

19. What was your favorite TV program? 

Veronica Mars. I didn’t much have the head space for anything new.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Anything by Leigh Barduga, Court of Mist and Fury by Sara J Maas, A Great Reckoning (the latest Louise Penny book). I didn’t read as much, especially the last half of the year. I’m on #110 (Little Women).

21. What was your favorite music this year?

Hamilton. Podcasts.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Rogue One, Fantastic Beasts, Kubo and the Two Strings

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We went to Williamsburg the week before my birthday and came home two days before, so on my birthday I cleaned house and didn’t do much of anything. Made a lot of resolutions that I promptly didn’t keep. 36, it’s living the dream.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

PRESIDENT HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON (I’m keeping this answer.)

25. What was the political issue you that stirred you?

Every political issue gave me such high anxiety that I waffled between sticking my head in the sand to wallowing in it all.

26. What kept you sane?

I know such wonderful people.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

I am worth being.