My year in review

I hadn't planned on doing this for 2012, mostly because when I look at my goals for 2012 I'm just so disappointed in myself. However, I've really enjoyed reading them across the internet so I think maybe it would give me perspective on my year. Here goes.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I went to The Blathering which was huge for me. I have gone on trips for myself before (my very best friend lives out of state and I've gone to see her a few times, and on a trip to NY with her) but I've never made a trip to see people I've never met before, by myself with no "safety net" to speak of. It's not that I'm introverted per se, but I have a hard time with new experiences. A very hard time. An anxiety-ridden, hyperventilating time.

That's all that I can remember. Isn't that enough?

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I redesigned my blog on around day two of the new year and I know I read more than 100 books but other than that, no. I failed in a spectacular fashion, which makes me both disappointed in myself and disappointed that I expected so much of myself. Honestly, while I wish I had taken care of myself better, I'm not seriously upset that I didn't complete many of those goals. I thought they were good benchmarks and it turns out they just weren't.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Three good friends had babies - one in April, one in October and one in November. Beautiful, squishy bundles of joy. They made me wish for another and yet not really want a baby. Conflicted (husband's not, still quite happy with two).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

We lost my grandmother in January which affected me more than I thought it would. I think about her often, and when I got together with my dad's family last week it was fun to share funny stories.

5. What places did you visit?

Delaware, New Orleans, and I think that's it.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

More patience for work, my children, life.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I can't think of anything that specifically stands out for me. Taking the kids to Disney with my best friend and her family was very special (the Sunday before Thanksgiving, whatever date that was), the day I got the phone call about my grandmother being in the hospital and then the funeral. The Blathering will be something I always remember.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think I recognized what I needed to change in my life. I got on anxiety/depression meds and saw a dermatologist about my eczema. I'm not great with my meds still to know if it's helping as much as it should be or if I need to tweak it, but I still feel I'm on the right track. 2013 will be the year of getting my shit together.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I lost my running mojo and stopped eating as healthy and exercising pretty much at all. I only gained about 10 lbs back, but I certainly don't feel as good or as good about myself as I did at the end of 2011. Next year, man. I get it all back.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was amazingly healthy, besides a resurgence in migraines and sinus issues. Nothing medical.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I really just want to cut and paste Ginger's answer here. Going to The Blathering was the best thing that I did, so all expenses related to that were just perfect.

I also just bought my first new car in nearly 9 years two days ago, and some pretty great shoes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

(this answer intentionally left blank)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I'm stealing Ginger's answer completely here:

Everyone who got nasty/ugly/hateful during any of the heated moments this year: political, cultural, social.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Daycare, mortgage, food, bills, MY NEW CAR

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Blathering. Disney. Christmas.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Call Me Maybe - the boys sing it, and even though it's possibly the most annoying song of 2012 it's freaking adorable when two pre-kers sing it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Play with my boys, spend quality time with my husband.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yell.

20. How did you spend Christmas this year?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No, but my love for my family was amplified many times over.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The New Girl. I was not a good tv-watcher this year, but I love me some Zooey. And some Nick.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2012?

Is it terrible to say I have no idea? I got an iPad, and I think I took it off work for once because my husband had it off anyhow so we spent the day together.

24. What was the best book you read?

I'm going to have to look at my list to remind myself of what I read, but I loved all the Lindsay Buroker books, Unbroken, Outlander

25. What did you want and get?

A new car, an iPad.

26. What did you want and not get?

A lack of anxiety.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hunger Games is the only thing I can remember seeing that wasn't a kids movie. Did Dark Knight Rises come out this year? Then that too. Although Wreck-it Ralph and Brave were cute.

28. Did you make some new friends this year?

I like to think I came away from my trip to New Orleans with some new friends. <-- this, thanks Ginger.

I started getting heavy into Twitter the second half of this year, and I really do feel that I have some real friends there.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Less anxiety.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Jeans and cute tops.

31. What kept you sane?

My Tuesday time alone.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I love me some New Girl cast.

33.What political issue stirred you the most?

My main issue with politics in general is people's lack of moderation and inability to see things from the other side. I don't mind when people disagree with me, but I do mind when they act like I'm an idiot for having my own opinion.

34. Who did you miss?

I miss everyone. Move here, people!

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

To take time for me so I can be a better mother and wife.


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Merry Christmas from sunny (chilly) Florida

We had a fabulous Christmas. In terrible internet-momma fashion, I didn't take any photos of my children opening presents. I didn't take the obligatory "Santa came!" photo. I ... um, I didn't take any pictures at all (in my defense I'm pretty sure my dad did but he hasn't put them on facebook for me to steal yet).

We have "traditions" for Christmas, now that Spencer has been through five of them. We are also still starting new traditions. For instance: ongoing tradition is that on Christmas Eve we always bundle up in pjs in the car after dinner and drive around looking at Christmas lights. Our new tradition is that we have Mexican food for lunch and go see a movie. This year we saw Monsters Inc 3D, and it was a big hit. This also means that we need to be completely ready for Christmas BEFORE Christmas Eve, which is challenging but doable.

Christmas morning is another tradition, one that hopefully will always be. When the boys wake up, they get to open their stockings only. Then the grandparents come over for breakfast - my mom, dad and his girlfriend, my in-laws and my brother (my sister was also suppose to come but she skipped again). We have a nice sit-down breakfast - biscuits and gravy, egg and sausage casserole (courtesy of my MIL), fruit, coffee, coffee cake, and bacon. Then we all open presents. Presents!!

The boys had a "successful" morning. Tag readers for both of them, a batting tee and baseball accoutrements, socker boppers, movies, and a climbing thing for outside. We got lots of gift cards and I got a stovetop espresso maker. So it was a successful Christmas for me too! All in all, it was a really nice time.

Later in the afternoon is another Christmas tradition. We head over to my in-laws' for a Cuban dinner (roast pork, yucca, plantains, boliche, rice and beans) and more presents and relatives and desserts. We do a Christmas exchange so everyone gets something but you don't have to buy for everyone, so I ended up with a hummingbird feeder and hummingbird garden seed and a bottle of Dave Matthews wine, and C got an Amazon gift card (who am I kidding, that's pretty much mine too). I bought for C's cousin and his new wife - (my most recent favorite), felt coasters, and a travel scrapbook for him, and a scarf, fig candle and earring holder for her.

All in all, a great time. Yesterday I started test driving cars to decide for my upcoming purchase of a new vehicle. Fun times!!

(if I ever come up with pictures, I'll update but I wouldn't count on it)

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I never wanted a wienie whistle

I'm currently sitting here drinking a homemade egg nog latte (egg nog and strong coffee, shaken in a mason jar) while bacon jam bubbles away on the stove. I could be starting my cookie baking, or my marshmallow dipping, or my ... oh, whatever else I decide to make today. But right now I'm content to sit on my butt and drink my latte and blog.

I was thinking the other day (while watching The Santa Clause, I think) about if there was ever something I asked for but didn't get from Santa. I was told about Santa from a very young age because of my parents' divorce. I remember my mother telling me there was no Santa. She pulled me into her pullout couch/bed in her room of our very small trailer to snuggle, and very kindly explained to me that Christmas would not be very big that year and it wasn't because I had been bad but but she just didn't have the money.

But Christmases at our house were always over the top. Piles and piles of presents covering half the living room. I know I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have. I've never been good at receiving gifts; I don't know the proper amount of enthusiasm. Looking back, I have no idea how my mom afforded all of that. I remember certain gifts from different years - one year my mom made me a doll house. Another year I got a pager (yes, I know, I'm old) and another one I got a Body Shop dress that I had coveted. I don't ever remember asking for anything specifically from Santa, and I don't remember not getting something I really wanted.

We don't go over the top for Christmas for the boys. This year have been the biggest, and I can't say it's a crazy Christmas. Hopefully they like what they get, but more I hope they just enjoy the day.

A sales person asked Spencer last week what he wanted Santa to bring him. "I don't know," he answered. "Whatever he brings me will be fine with me!"

Such my child. At least I know he won't be disappointed!


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Secret

Spencer asked me to tell him a secret tonight.

I whispered into his ear "I love you!"

No, he said. That's not a secret. Everyone knows you love me.
I know it, and our family and friends all know!


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My world

This weekend, reeling from the worst anxiety attack I've had in a year and the elementary attack, should have been terrible. I had a mini breakdown about the loss of my grandmother (she passed earlier in the year and this is the first christmas without her; the last time we were all together outside hospice/funeral was last Christmas). I've purposely avoiding most blog posts/news/twitter discussions about the shootings, and I'm not going to talk about it here either. I live in a state of denial that is really the only way I can function. My son goes to kindergarten next year. That is all.

Despite the above, my weekend actually pretty much rocked. Friday night my mom babysat and we went out with good friends and had phenomenal food (Ceviche's). Because I'm not a food blogger (and didn't have a decent camera in the low light, who am I kidding) I didn't take photos although our waiter did allude to the dessert being perfect for Facebook photos. There was artichokes and mushrooms in goat cheese and oxtail and scallops and DUCK IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE and crème brûlée and sangria ... And fantastic company. I love my friends, man.

Saturday was a long, fantastic day. I was up early w Henry because he was snotty (and C had a hangover) and we made a good breakfast. C got a haircut and we went to a birthday party for a friend's son. We did some Christmas shopping and had dinner and fun with C's cousin, which it has been at too long since we did (non-holiday) with her. The boys LOVE her, we love her ... It needs to be more often, that's all there is to it.

Today my stress level was much higher. I'm not sure what it was, but everything was bugging me. I got almost all the wrapping finished, I defrosted the wine fridge (priorities, dude), took the kids for a walk. I did grocery shopping on my own (although I had a minor hissy fit when C suggested I do so). Tonight's advent activity was "eat dinner by candlelight" so we turned all the lights off except the tree, turned on the Christmas music and lit candles and had a really lovely dinner of spinach ravioli in pumpkin pesto w shrimp. Henry had crackers and Spencer had just the shrimp, but I didn't fight w them about any of it, and we enjoyed ourselves.

I'm going to try hard to keep my anxiety and stress level down this next week. We've been eating out a bit too much so I'm striving for dinner at home every night until Christmas but I have a pizza in the freezer for emergencies and I think I have the meals planned which helps the stress. We have three cookie-making nights ... Which we'll have to possibly rethink. We don't even eat the cookies so there's that. We have a few people left to get gifts for, but I'm pretty solid on my people and C can be forced to find something for his father (the hardest person on the planet to purchase for) if need be. I'm not going to stress.

I'm not going to stress. My holiday mantra.


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How it Works

First it’s a simple feeling, like I forgot to do something. I get a bit confused, check all my usual websites. I check on the kids, and my husband. Then I start thinking about my day, going over work in my head to figure it out. I try to remember all the files I worked on, all the notes I made in the computer, all the calls I made and calls I took.

Then I start second guessing things. I spoke with my mother in law – should I not have told her what I did? She was upset at someone else’s choice – is she going to say something to them? Will they be mad at me for telling her? I made plans for the next night – am I forgetting something there? Did I have plans that I’m forgetting? I check on the kids again, and the locks and the windows. I check to make sure I didn’t leave the flat iron on. I start thinking about my mom’s cancer appointments, my dad’s recent hospital visit, Granny’s hospital stay earlier in the week. The concern grows. I remember that I didn't make anything for the work potluck or contribute to a baby shower - but the feeling doesn't fade so it doesn't seem to be that.

I start getting sharp stomach pains and I wonder – gas pains or something serious? It hurts when I breathe too deep. I try to get comfortable, try to concentrate on the television. Try to act normal. I try to concentrate on my erratic breathing, try to stop my slight rocking, my fingers rubbing the skin on the back of my opposite hand. i play a little solitaire, try to get my mind involved in something menial.

I feel a little lightheaded, like my body isn’t getting the oxygen it needs. I lay down, close my eyes, try to forcibly relax all the tense muscles in my body. Try to force my body to breathe in counts of five. I wonder if I would be able to fall asleep better if I laid in the uncomfortable bunk bed with my son instead of here, where I’m worried about bothering my husband. I try to clear my mind, to only think about relaxing my muscles and breathing in and out.

Somehow, I get to sleep, only to wake several dozen times through the night with that feeling, the same feeling. Is everything okay? Should I check on the house again? Did I check that door, that window? What was that sound?

I rise in the morning, still fitful, uncomfortable in my skin like something is trying to get out. The fearful feeling in the pit of my abdomen has not receded. My fingers still rub together with nervous energy. The rocking is still just there. And that feeling, if I could only remember what it was that I’m missing, I would be whole again.



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What's with today, today

I apologize as I think I"ve used that title on numerous occasions but I can't et enough Empire Records, men


On my list of things to do for the past two days was to make a list of all my Christmas shopping left to do (most of it), a list of the vacations planned for next year (five of them) and figure out when kindergarten starts for Spencer (I KNOW) and what I need to do for that and his summer VPK. I started thinking about it because we plan on going to Colorado over the summer to visit family, but we have to time it between VPK ending and kindergarten starting. Yikes! I haven’t made any of these lists, but I did follow up with family in the school system to find out more about kindergarten and TODAY I made a list of the people still needed to buy for which isn’t as daunting as I thought it would be. Well, and then I realized I forgot my siblings.

We were supposed to go to Ceviche tonight with good friends, but they had to reschedule so TOMORROW is Ceviche. Which might be even better because I can roll into bed afterward and not wake up to an alarm the next day. Did I tell you that Wednesday we forgot to set the alarm and I thought it was Saturday when I woke up to children instead of beeping?

This was our gingerbread house, advent activity for Wednesday:




It came out well, except that Henry flipped out when he wasn’t immediately allowed to eat all the candies, and then when he came back to the table he was “slyly” sticking his fingers in the icing and licking them WHICH WAS FINE UNTIL HE KNOCKED OVER THE WHOLE HOUSE. My icing-eating Godzilla, that one. We were able to salvage it, but in the freaking out about it he starting crying and put himself in timeout. Obviously he knew he did wrong.

And speaking of which, Spencer has ALWAYS been good about saying sorry. Henry obviously feels remorse and CAN say sorry, but he refuses to say it even if it means more time in time out. I can’t figure that kid out! How hard is it to apologize?


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It Would Be

So ... Of course the moment I push "publish" on the blog about how great the boys have been , Henry pooped in the joint bath.

Despite that, Saturday was good. I made buckwheat banana nut pancakes. I had book club, which brought me 45 minutes from home drinking unnamed shots from a flask in chocolate shot glasses at with my compatriots 20 years my senior. We went to the lights festival for our Advent activity of the night.

Sunday was not as great. I woke up with another sinus headache which stayed with me, if not in headache in nausea, all day. The boys were a handful (likely because I wasn't feeling good). Henry has been particularly stubborn and bipolar, and ended up taking a three hour nap (reminder: check for molars). We went out for a bit - C wanted to try PDQs and to check out a new gas station (I don't even know) so we drove to St Pete for lunch and then nearly to downtown Clearwater before heading home. But ultimately we came home and I felt better.

This year has been a struggle. I struggle with my self image. I struggle with my confidence in my parenting skills, my wifeing skills, my work. I look at that list on the right of what I planned on completing this year, and I'm both saddened by what I didn't accomplish and annoyed that I expected so much of myself.

I think I'm not going to make a list this next year. I want to better myself, I want to feel GOOD about myself. I want to give myself a break and just concentrate on my family. That is my only list. I am going to start working out again, running, because it made me feel good about myself. I'm going to work on date nights and SEX because it makes me a better wife. I'm going to take time to do things with my children because it makes me a better parent. I am going to take time to read and blog and tweet because it is good for me to make time for myself. I want to like myself again. I can't remember if I ever truly have.


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It was hard but it's better now.

November was hard. I know I keep saying this, but when I look back at the last month - even with it's amazing, great happenings (ahem, Blathering) I don't even know where that month went. I felt like I was angry and busy and tired and stressed all month.

It's now December Eighth. I've been slightly busy at work, slightly busy at home, and slightly busy socially as well. But somehow so far ... the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A lot of this is that the kids have been amazing lately - fighting sometimes, not listening sometimes ... but so GOOD. Or maybe I just feel like I'm listening to them more. I'm giving them more time, I'm more patient. I don't know what it is, but this last week has been good for me.

It shouldn't have been. I had two sinus migraines that rocked me. I had to take my mom to the cancer center for an all day test to find out if her cancer has spread (no news yet). My dad was in the hospital for heart issues (all tests normal). But somehow I have to press myself to remember the bad stuff. Usually, unfortunately, I remember the bad stuff and have to push myself to remember the good. But here's the good - which is at the top of my mind:

The kids have really been excellent. As I type this, they are taking a bath together and there has been no fighting, no loud noise, no splashing. Just a nice, relaxing bath. It's amazing, really.

The advent calendar has been really fun. We've done really easy things so far. Read christmas books, had a christmas treat (peppermint dove chocolate) hot chocolate, watched Christmas movies. Nothing too strenuous but things to keep us in the season. Tonight we are going to the lights festival, where they release lanterns on the river and have Christmas festivities.

One of my favorite people from college came over last weekend and spent six hours with us. The kids LOVED him. All over him, asking for him to read to them and play with them. It was so great to see Henry (suspicious and shy of strangers) climb on his lap and say "Bad! Bad! Read!" (his name is Brad, he wasn't saying he was bad).

We went over the new neighbors' house for dinner (I brought carrot cake, thanks Ginger!) and had a great time (evidently I need a thesaurus here). I was hesitant about them for reasons I won't post here but they are really sweet people and I think we have a good amount in common. It was never awkward or strange and I hope we become even better friends.

Last night my mom watched the kids and C and I went to the auto show to look at new cars. I have had my car since 2004, and though there's nothing wrong with it, it's really time for some more space and something that will carry me into the teenage years with two boys. After looking at all of them, I'm leaning towards a Hyundai Elantra GT or a Kia Sportage (seriously, Kia has come a long way). I also have my eye on the new Mazda CX5 and the Subaru Outback, but this is why God made test driving. After the car show we went out to dinner and just had a nice time together, talking.

So the good outweighed the bad, which is exactly as it should be. I hope your December is as good as mine so far!

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Books I read: November

I started slow this month because I was so busy, but hustled at the end.


Encrypted - Lindsay Buroker This is the same author as the Emperor’s Edge series, and I also loved it. Maybe more, even.

A Single Thread - Marie Bostwick (audiobook) Didn’t get very far – it was grating.

Spilled Blood - Brian Freeman (audiobook) I listened to this driving back and forth for a trial in one week. It was interesting and didn’t take much of my brain. I think I would read more of his books in print.

Halfway to the Grave - Jeanine Frost Fun read, no substance.

City of Bones - Cassandra Clare My best friend mailed me this series and I loved it. I read all three in less than 72 hours. I just got the next two from the library although she told me that they weren’t as good. Must. Read. J

City of Ashes - Cassandra Clare see above

City of Glass - Cassandra Clare see above

The Bloodletter's Daughter - Linda Lafferty A girl at work let me borrow this on audiobook. It’s excellent, however I have found that I am a bit of a prude listening to talk of waving penises.


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Presents - done!

It is December 4th, and I think I have completed my kid-related shopping.

I know! (please feel free to imagine I said that like Monica)

In past years I have not showered my children with Christmas gifts. My mother always went way beyond for Christmas even though she absolutely couldn’t afford it. I don’t know how she did, or if she went into debt every December, but I can absolutely tell you I didn’t appreciate it. I felt with my own kids that I’d rather them appreciate the few things they get and treasure the FEELING of Christmas than have so many things they don’t even know where they came from.

I did.

I can see where my mom was coming from though. While my older son does the “I WANT THAT” at every commercial, I have not listened to a single thing. However, I have found so many things I WANT for them. I can see now why my mom went so crazy at Christmastime. Thankfully, Spencer’s birthday is in February, so if I find more to buy between now and Christmas I can put it away for his birthday.

Here is the list of stuff that will be under the tree:

S-
Tag Reader (I found a Toy Story one that comes with a book)
Tag Space activity book
Don’t Spill the Beans
A look and see book
A Space Dr Suess book
An iPad Angry Birds game piece/app
avengers towel
iron man hat and glasses
chutes and ladders


H-
2 new games for his iXL
Gator Golf
A look and see book
A piano Disney book
Army men
spiderman hat and glasses
monster towel
Ice Age

In the stockings:
Trainer chopsticks
Play dinosaurs
A handheld racing game for S and a magnadoodle for H
Jump ropes
Fruit
1 box of chewy candies

Also, my mom is getting Brave for Spencer and Finding Nemo for Henry. Now I just have to finish the rest of my shopping for EVERYONE ELSE. Someone please tell me what to get my father in law?? Please?

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Things in the plural

I wish I had enough to say in one thought to make a whole post, but I’m a little scatterbrained today so here are some things rolling around in my head:

· Do you ever used jarred alfredo? I don’t, because I had only tried the Classico varieties, which I don’t feel taste anything like alfredo. The other day, though, I had a craving and didn’t want to go to a restaurant and didn’t feel like making it myself. I was wandering down the aisles at the grocery store and came across Mario Batali’s sauce and thought I’d try it. Contains real cream! Seriously, folks, this was restaurant caliber stuff. I sautéed mushrooms onions and spinach and cooked up some roasted veggie and chicken sausages, mixed the whole thing together with fettuccine … Good stuff. I had some for lunch today and the rest of it is my lunch for tomorrow. I will be sad to see it go, but glad to see it go down my gullet.

· Our first two days of Advent calendaring have been a success. Day one was donate to a needy child, and we adopted a three year old girl from the foster tree my company put up. She wanted play food, so we got a couple of those Melissa and Doug play sets, and couple shirts and a pair of pants. I’m thinking of trying to find a reasonably priced pair of tennis shoes too before I bring it all in, and one of those Seek and Find books. S still doesn’t exactly understand (I gave him a long explanation about how she doesn’t have mommy and daddy to help santa with his shopping but I think it was all lost on him; he’s a very idealistic four year old) but I felt happy having done it.

· Day two we watched Christmas movies: The Santa Clause and Home Alone. They’re still too young to really appreciate live action Christmas movies, but it was nostalgic for me to watch. The Santa Clause was my brother’s favorite movie when he was three to five, and we watched it several times a week year round. I saw Home Alone ELEVEN times in the theater when it came out. Today is “read a Christmas book” so S has asked me to stop by the library to get a NEW Christmas book to read. Roger that, buckaroo!

· I have found a new feed reader for my iPad, and I’m in love. I have a hard time commenting on blogs because it’s near impossible on my phone and it’s still a little annoying from Feedly. Plus, once you read things on Feedly it disappears and if you can’t remember who said something it’s pretty hard to locate that blog again to comment later! Yesterday I downloaded an app called Mr. Reader (and it has a top hat and moustache!) and I really like it. I can comment directly from my feed instead of opening up in the browser, and I can add blogs too! Watch out world, I may stop lurking again!

· I’m torn between loving the weather these days and hating that it’s nearly 80 degrees in December. We’re trying to savor it, and had the splash pool filled up again this weekend. But I want fires in the fireplace and chilly mornings with my coffee! Where is winter?

· I got a haircut. Hurray!




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A wordy post about two incomes

Much has been said recently around my corner of the internet about families sustaining on one or 1.5 careers. It seems in most of those, the wife has taken the career backseat, gladly or willingly, or even hesitantly while knowing it was what was best for their family.

I thought, perhaps, I would weigh in on my experiences.

I do not like talking about work on here beyond whether I’m busy or not. I have no upward mobility. There could be chances for that if I willed it, or wanted to go job hunting in another company, but I really don’t will it. I enjoy my job, I like my company, my coworkers, my manager. However demanding it is, those demands wax and wane. November was a hard month. It was a demanding month. But not every month is – some months I take no work home, only travel locally, get home in time to pick up the kids from daycare almost every day. I have been with my company for nearly eight years. I started at the bottom, and I’d say I’m near the top now. I don’t want to go any higher; I feel like I’m still constantly learning in my current position while still content and confident in my abilities. My job is high pressure, but not a constant high-pressure like those management jobs.

I feel I am a better mother when I am not with my children 24/7. I cherish our weekends. We eat dinner at the dining room table every night all week (as long as I’m in town, which is probably 90% of the month). I cook most nights, but we do go out for dinner sometimes, especially on the weekends, and the boys are very good at restaurants.

Before this, I worked in retail management. I was in middle management which included a lot of hours, a lot of pressure, a lot of problem solving and a lot of running and not much money. I cried a lot, sometimes at work and often at home. I did this while attending college full time and working at the school newspaper full time. I spent a lot of years in retail, enough to know I could never go back.

My husband’s work life has been more tumultuous. He also worked for the same retail company I did, in upper management (we worked in different stores) for a lot of years. He was laid off right before we got married (while we were trying to pay for everything, THAT was stressful). He finally got a job in IT and also hasn’t looked back. Two years ago he was laid off again, and after six months he found a new IT job, actually with the company who took over his old job.

He now works from home several days a week, and often even on the days he works in the office he comes home on lunch and stays home. He works hard, but has the leisure to get things done that need doing (like laundry or cleaning the kitchen) while he works. When I’m working late or out of town, there is no stress about who will be taking care of the kids, who will be picking them up, or what will happen.

My husband is the primary caregiver. I feel sometimes like this makes me less of a mother. My younger son has only ever known things this way, and he clings to daddy. This morning he woke up a grump and didn’t want anything to do with me, even though I had gotten up early to make oatmeal for them (I was due a hug after he started eating). My older son is still a momma’s boy, and it bothers my husband a lot that S prefers me over him but I feel like he gets everything with the boys and I should be allowed this one thing.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this post. We have two reasonably good and similar paychecks. We don’t have to scrimp, and we live well within our means so we are able to do what we want without much thought to cost (some thought, we aren’t exactly rolling in it). Most of my paycheck goes directly into savings. Actually, all of my paycheck goes directly into savings, and we pay the car payment out of it, and the credit card (which I pay off every month) and we help out certain family members out of it. We could feasibly live off one income, but we seem to be in a good place right now. I would love to work part time and have more time with the kids. However, with the type of job I do it’s not possible unless I were to “switch sides” as it were, which I’m not willing to do without feeling like I’ve sold my soul. (Aren’t you glad I’m being so specific?)

I don't (often) envy SAHMs, but I am amazed at their ability to be around their kids all the time without wanting to jump off a cliff. I don't has enough confidence in my parenting skills, as it seems.

So there you have it. Two incomes. It works for us.



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Alone Time

On Tuesdays the boys spend the day with their grandparents, and my husband picks them on the way home from work. This means that I get a couple hours to myself before the rest of the family gets home.

I crave those few hours.

I feel bad about it sometimes, but when I can't have that time I feel cheated. Something happens and I have to pick up the kids, or they are home when I get home ... I just feel like it's my break. My time.

Today I did some grocery shopping, started a load of laundry, made dinner. Watched a little of the DVR shows the C didn't care to watch. I blogged. I chose to do chores today while I was alone but I love that I don't have to. If I sat on my butt and read for two solid hours no one would care. Occasionally I do just that.

But today I got things done. During my alone time.


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Merry Thanksoweenmas!

So I’ve been on a self-imposed, accidental blogging moratorium over here. I really didn’t mean for it to happen, but with the busy busy work/home/holiday season upon us, it was either carve out additional time for myself for blogging and give myself a breakdown, or just take a time out. Turns out I didn’t have time to ask my doctor to up my crazy pill dosage, so I went with the time out. Everyone else did NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo, and I did NoMoBloPo (No More Blog Posts). Ha!
So much has been going on here that I would be a bad blogger/friend/stalker if I didn’t mention (in brief) what my November held for me. Work was unbelievably exhausting on its own, and although I don’t talk about work much here, I only saw my desk eight days this month. It’s hard to keep up with work when that happens. I did not keep up with work, so I’ve been taking things home and trying to catch up. December will be a catch up month.
November 9-11 I hopped on a plane that took me to NOLA where I met up with 50-ish of my best blogging friends that I had never met before. To say I was nervous was an understatement – I had full blown hyperventilating anxiety attacks in the weeks leading up to it. But I really wanted to meet these ladies, and I knew if I could get a hold of myself I’d have a blast, and I did. I really did. I miss those women so very much already. New Orleans was fun, but what made it for me were those friendly wonderful women. My friends. Kammah. Ginger. Tara. Whitney. I didn’t write a re-cap, and I don’t know that I would do it justice but so many of them have written fantastic recaps already. Mine just wouldn’t compete but know I feel exactly the same as they do, about every little piece.

The following weekend my best friend and her family came down from Delaware to spend a week in Orlando, and we trekked over to spend a few days with her and with them. Henry had never been to Disney and Spencer went once before, but it really was magical. All of our children, having so much fun together. Spencer held hands with the girls all weekend and we all had the best time. Monday I spent just with Becky doing non-Disney things – pedicures, lunch at Seasons 52, outlet mall shopping.

Then of course there was Thanksgiving weekend. Family and food, excellent. We did some BF shopping and got our own presents rather than exchange presents at Christmas this year. I got knives, hoo boy. I needed knives. C got a tablet, which he has been attached to ever since (which I totally understand, given my obsession with my iPad). We even got some slip n slide action in over the holiday weekend before the weather turned chilly.

So there you have it. I have been busy. I have been weighed, I have been measured, and I have been found wanting. Apparently, January will be a new year! I’ll try to keep up.
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More blathering

It's between doing actual stuff and blogging, so lucky for you I decided to blog! Ha!

My video blog was so MANIC I'm actually a bit embarrassed. I am not a public speaker, so the prospect of a) posting a video of ME and b) not preparing any answers so the questions and c) ONE TAKE IN MY CAR WHEN I'M TWO HOURS PAST MY LUNCHTIME. So ... yeah. I would redo, but I don't think it would be any better. I swear I'm not that manic in real life. Well, maybe I am. Becky? MamaFuss?

But I had no idea what to say about the question about three things about me. It is true that five minutes into a conversation with me, you're likely to know my deepest, strangest and most mortifying secrets. Nothing is off-limits in my conversations and I apologize in advance. But here are a few things that may or may not come up in New Orleans:

1) I can never remember to turn off my flat iron, and if I do remember, I still don't remember that I did turn it off so I get worried. I've turned around from trips to Orlando to go home and turn off my flat iron. I've been late to work because I turned around. I've sent my neighbor over to my house after I got to work on numerous occasions. If I leave before my husband, I text him to check (honestly, you'd think he would automatically check). I think this is because my old iron had an auto-off.

2) I have the same issue driving other vehicles, because my car has auto-lights.

3) I watched very little tv growing up. I don't remember anything other that PBS (Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, Mister Rogers) until the early 90s when my brother was young. Then I've got Saved By The Bell, California Dreamin', Rugrats and all the early 90s Nickalodeon shows. I never watched Friends when it was a weekly show. I started watching it in reruns in college. Of course, now I'm addicted to tv, but I have a guilt about it because I watched so little tv before, that I have a hard time adding new shows to my watching repertoire.

4) I cannot sleep on airplanes. So I will be tired.

5) I have seen my children for approximately one hour total all week, so I have serious mom guilt about going to NOLA this weekend. This will not keep me from coming and enjoying myself at all, but they keep asking me to take them to daycare. I cannot take them because I have my company car so no carseats and they seem so heartbroken. I'm having a harder time than usual.

6) I do not have a lot of the issues that most people appear to have. I do not get up with the children often. They sleep pretty well and I don't wake up for much of anything, so I almost always get a full night's sleep. If I don't, it's usually my own body's fault. My kids are generally healthy - H has never had an ear infection, and other than a couple rounds of Albuteral when he was under a year, one time of the flu (we all got it last Christmas) and a few colds he's rarely sick. S had two ear infections, gets mild fevers occasionally that don't get worse but never even gets colds. They are very well behaved (in public). They stick with us and listen and  I get other-mom guilt toward OTHER moms because I don't have to deal with all the stuff they do. Why should I complain? I'm never up 8 times in a night. I'm never cleaning up vomit and I'm never dealing with a lot of craziness. I think my threshold for dealing with these things is a lot lower because I never have to.

7) I am so jealous of the people already in New Orleans.

Oh dear god, it's a blathering vlog

I apologize in advance.

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What I know now: Twitter edition

I thought it was such a cop out when my blog friends left blogging for Twitter, and never looked back.

And then I got involved in Twitter.

I opened a twitter account five-ish year ago, when we were looking for houses, I was pregnant, and continued through back to work after Spencer and my last tweet was about being a new homeowner. I didn’t really like Twitter back then. I didn’t see the point in following celebrities (okay, so I still don’t), and I only followed IRL friends who were way cooler than I was … a pregnant old married house-hunting woman. My feed pushed to my text messages so it was always buzzing but the tweets were never for me, so it was like reading other people’s conversations but never being involved. Another way to feel left out.

Anyhow, so I decided that Twitter was just not for me, and spent four years pooh-poohing the whole thing. Twitter? No, that’s just silly.

Ahem.

Two months or so ago I got back on, met some really fabulous ladies, decided to up and go to NOLA with them in a week (freaking out NOW!) and now I’m fabulously addicted. Which is why I’m never here anymore (although I do have plans for more child-related posts because everyone needs to see how cute the kids were at the pumpkin festival and Halloween) and why I’m also rarely posting on Facebook. A few of my friends used to make fun of me for the amount of status posts I did to Facebook. I never did the diary thing, but I did post snarky comments many times a day. You know what? No one bats an eye if I do that on Twitter.

Well, if they do, I don’t see it.

What I read: October

In the Shadow of the Banyan - Vaddey Ratner this was a thinly veiled autobiography-turned-fiction and I LOVED it.

 

When in Doubt, Add Butter - Beth Harbison  I stuck this on my to-read after looking through a bestseller’s list, and it was good. Not great, but good. Fun.

 

Charm City - Laura Lippman  I forgot this was on my list originally, but it came free on my ebook library list. Very enjoyable.

 

What Alice Forgot - Liane Moriarty  I felt so strongly that this was Regarding Henry (remember that movie?). I knew how it was going to end, I liked it but I wasn’t totally in love with it like most of the internet.

 

The Cost of Hope - Amanda Bennett This was last month’s book club book, but I didn’t get it in time and so I read it this month instead. It was very interesting. The focus was on how much her husband’s cancer treatments would have cost if they didn’t have insurance. This made for a much less-emotional side of the loss. I would have appreciated more passion but I thought it was an interesting take on something so heartbreaking – the decline and death of a spouse.

 

Dark Currents - Lindsay Buroker  I adore this series. I ignored all my other books to keep reading.

 

Deadly Games - Lindsay Buroker  see above.

 

Conspiracy - Lindsay Buroker again.

 

Blood & Betrayal - Lindsay Buroker  and again.

 

Manhunt - James L Swanson This month’s book club book. It’s really interesting, and I haven’t finished it in time for tomorrow’s meeting (I would have if it weren’t for those lovely Buroker books). Somehow I didn’t really grasp how devastated John Wilkes Booth was about the surrender of General Lee, and about the end of the Civil War. That kind of passion about politics … well, I just don’t have it. I have my beliefs but I don’t think anything could cause that kind of reaction from me. The threat of bodily harm to my children, maybe, but that’s about it.

The long- awaited (since Friday) update

So we did it! We moved Henry OUT of his crib on Friday night, and into the bottom bunk of the bunk bed with nary an issue. Frankly, I’m a little flabbergasted that it went so well. Friday when I got home from work, we took down the crib. I was a little melancholy about it, so we went out to dinner and then to the Disney store so the boys could both pick out a new stuffed animal for the transition – Donald Duck for Henry and Dory from Finding Nemo for Spencer.

Saturday I took the kids BY MYSELF to Ikea and Target to get new furniture and fun things for the room, and then set it all up so they now have a fully functional bedroom. Do I hear the angels singing, Hallelujah? Some things were just fun stuff, like a drawing easel, and some were necessary, like a piece of furniture for toy storage. Overall, I’m pleased with the arrangement. I think the kids are too.











SUNDAY I again took the kids out by myself (football, baby) and we went shopping for clothes for them. Last week we had a mild cold snap which reminded me that they have very little long sleeved shirts and Spencer has no fitting pants to speak of (long and skinny is surprisingly hard to dress). It was a successful trip, with many pairs of pjs, shirts and jeans.

And a mini pie maker for me.

Today I’m going to try to start reading Game of Thrones. I don’t know how I feel about this. I have never seen the show, and I don’t know if I’ll be interested in the book at all, but people talk and therefore I listen, and now I have Game of Thrones on my desk awaiting lunchtime. And if I don’t like it, Savages is waiting for me at the library.


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Sleep and other bits

I went to bed early last night. As I was nodding off into that twilight between awake in asleep, I remember distinctly thinking “I can’t believe I’m going to bed this early on a Friday”.

So … you can imagine my frustration this morning when I woke up and it was STILL FRIDAY! But I got over it, and actually got to work on time. I was then also thinking that the department assistant would see that I was on time, but SHE’S OFF TODAY so no one was here to witness my feat. Today is not going good yet.

The plan was that today C was going to take apart the crib while he worked from home, and then Henry would be forced to sleep in the bunk beds tonight and we could transition him there this weekend. This morning I was holding him about trying to talk it up.

“Henry, you want to sleep in the big-boy bed tonight?” (I point to the bunk bed)
“No, sleep there” (points to his crib)
“but baby, don’t you want to be a big boy?”
He shakes his head.
“Sleep over there? We’ll put all your stuffed animals and your blankets and you can sleep below Bubba?”
“No, there” (points to crib)

So … I think it’s a no-go. He does love his crib. My coworker suggested converting it to a toddler bed for a little while to get him used to getting in and out of bed himself but I just don’t know. I probably should, but the whole point for ME of moving him to the bunk bed is getting rid of the crib all together. I hate that there’s no space in their room. I hate that they can’t really play in there, that there’s no room for their toys in there … although I guess a month of toddler bed might not hurt if it moves him over.

We went to one of my favorite healthy-eating establishments last night (it’s becoming a habit, Thursday kids eat free, hurrah!) and they misspelled one of the soups: “Potato and Leak” hehe I didn’t correct them. If we had been sitting inside I would have taken a picture but it’s so beautiful out that we snagged one of the last tables outside. One of my favorite things about it is that you get free frozen yogurt with every meal, and I had non-fat Pumpkin frozen yogurt last night. Yum!

But today is almost over, work wise, and I went out to lunch with a friend and sat outside soaking up the warm-but-not-hot, zero humidity afternoon and now it's all I can do to wait to get back out there. Gorgeous!

Happy weekend, y’all!


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Things I’d like to know (a potluck)

Do you make a mess when you brush your teeth? My husband doesn’t, he can walk around with his toothbrush and there is no mess. Me? Toothpaste running down the toothbrush, spatter on the mirror, drips out the side of my mouth into the sink … I don’t understand how clean brushers DO it. I try, but somehow if nothing else it still leaks down my toothbrush and hand and I have to clean everything off when I rinse out my mouth. Do you have these issues?

Are you capable of cooking without harming yourself? I love to cook, I do it as often as I have time for. Last night I made a delicious soup that Caitlyn posted on Twitter (seriously, it was delicious) as well as two pans of Ina Garten’s Eggplant Gratin and I did well on the soup – no pain whatsoever. I burned both my hands pan frying the eggplant though, and grated my knuckle along with the Parmesan cheese. My husband was helping chop onions for the soup and afterward scooped some waste up, catching his finger on a tomato can top and slicing it deep. This morning I burned my fingertip on the toaster getting my bagel out. So obviously, this is a running issue. Do you have these issues?

At what point did you move your child to a bed? I’m getting impatient with having the crib in the boys room and I really want to move H to the bunk beds. I don’t know if he’s ready, and he really loves his crib so this is completely selfish on my part. But the room is so cramped and uncleanable and I really want to make it fun which I don’t feel like I can do until they have more space. I don’t want to create sleep problems though, and H is giving up his naps altogether so he really truly needs his nighttime sleep. Should I wait?

I should point out this wasn’t a problem with Spencer. I moved him out of the crib at around two because he was climbing out, and also I was three months pregnant and wanted an earlier transition so I wasn’t snatching it from him when his brother was born. It went very smoothly. Henry is just so much more headstrong and stubborn and doesn’t like to stay put so I’m more concerned it will be an issue.

What are your feelings about homework? My son is four. He is still in daycare and not in pre-k, but the home daycare he goes to is very highly regulated and a county person comes out for testing and puts the kids on curriculum. There are two daycare rooms in the home – a “classroom” with a computer, and a “playroom” with all the toys and a small tv. My son does schoolwork (kindergarten work, right now) in the afternoon when the before and after kids come home from school, and he has one-two worksheets that come home with him. Sometimes these worksheets take a very long time, and sometimes he’s done with them before we can explain the directions. I think we’re very lucky that he gets the school attention that he does, considering he’s in a home daycare which is usually code for “babysitting”. My question is this: do you have the patience for homework? I feel like any instruction I give ends in barking to focus. Right now my husband helps with homework. Is this normal? Should I try to help more, or just leave it to C? Should I feel guilty for my annoyance with homework?

How do you cut your dependence on sugar? I know I feel better when I don’t have refined sugar. I sometimes (most times) crave something sweet in the evening. If I go for the healthier choice – fruit, mostly, it doesn’t always curb that craving but I feel better. If I go for the m&ms or the cupcake I feel physically ill lying in bed before sleep. I don’t think this is in my head, I think I have an adverse reaction to sugar – especially at night. I don’t have this issue with carbs (although I’m not necessary a HUGE carbs person. I love my bread, but I don’t need to eat a ton of it) but I have it with sweets. But my question is, I know the craving is a physical reaction too – how to you cut it?

And finally, can someone please tell me what a merkin is? I feel so lost on Twitter these days.



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Friday bits

My neighbors put their house up for sale. This wouldn’t really be newsworthy except these are the ONLY neighbors that we associate with. We hang out with him, go to parties at their houses, invite them to ours, occasionally babysit their 18 month old … and they never said a word. As a matter of fact, they invited us over to play Spades tonight, and they invited us to a Halloween party on 10/27 … but they haven’t mentioned putting the house up for sale (the sign went up Tuesday afternoon). Very strange.

In separate but related news, who the heck still plays Spades? We accepted because, well, it’s the neighbors, but really? I played in high school, and C knows people that played when we were in college, but I feel a little old to be sitting around drinking playing Spades. Maybe I should be drinking Hennessey? Would that better put me in the mood? I guess at least I’ll get the dirt on their house-selling plans. (edit, I’m now asked to bring “bar food”, so I guess I’ll be stuffing some mushrooms when I get home)

Last night we got a babysitter and went out with a very good friend that lives far too close to see as seldom as we do (apparently last time we saw each other was July 2011). We got to meet her boyfriend that she’s been with for over a year now, and spent hours drinking wine and blowing our diet on excellent food and getting as much great conversation in before having to retreat to real life. It was so much fun, and so amazing, and so … Just so. The first thing C said when we left was “I like him better than D already” (her last boyfriend). And while I liked D and was personally heartbroken when they called it quits, Nick is pretty awesome and I just love seeing my friend SO happy. And there may have been discussion about my trouble breast feeding and the size of family members private bits, so now we know each other VERY well.

My prediction on Wednesday about today being a repeat was exactly right. Thankfully it went fast! I have a crazy busy weekend planned, full of dinner with inlaws and baby showers and Korean BBQ with old work friends of C.

And I have nothing else to add, so I'll just mention that I used the peehole in my spanx for the first time ever today. I think that pretty much covers everything.


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'twas a dark and stormy morning

So can I tell you that this morning, when I drove to work all by myself in the dark and rain will probably be my favorite part of the day?

The kids woke up late, per usual, and since C works from home on Wednesday he is able to take them to daycare instead of me yelling to get moving and get dressed and stop playing with your pee pee and please eat your waffle. I left reasonably on time and made my way to work in the rain and there was NO traffic (I hear it was otherwise coming the other way to the office, but since I’m usually the one with the traffic I will simply say HA).

I had yesterday off so I could take my mom to her follow up surgeon appointment. It was a disappointing visit because mom hasn’t been able to quit smoking and therefore her reconstruction was put off until some later date that she is able to stop. We went to lunch and then I took her back home and crawled back into my Gilmore-Girl marathoning hole and stayed there pretty much all day (finished season one. People becoming less irritating, might be growing on me).

Henry woke up around 9:45p snotty and uncomfortable and calling for Daddy last night. While the consensus is that I should embrace that I don’t have to take care of these things, it made me a little sad. H was a born at a time when a) C was upset because Spencer was joined at my hip and he wanted a kid that wanted him and b) C was laid off and thus became the primary caregiver/middle of the night waker. Even though he got a job again about six months later, he has remained these things, especially for Henry (S still joined at my hip, unless it involves playing baseball). I am usually okay with his (I already have one attachment) but I enjoy the sick snuggles and it depressed me when Henry wanted nothing to do with me last night while we waited for the Benadryl to kick in (except to wipe his snot on my dress).

Since I took yesterday off, today is bound to be not super great. And tomorrow I’m out of the office for a work thing, so while I’ll be working I won’t actually get anything done and Friday will be today, repeated. Yay!

Also on today’s schedule: my first mammogram. Because of my mom’s early onset cancer, they have decided to smash my boobs for a baseline. I’m resigned to this if not particularly happy about it, but it’s still another thing to deal with. C’s cousin just had a double mastectomy last week at 36, so … yeah, it needs to be done.

And at the end of all this, I’m stopping for Greek salads for dinner. Because I’m not putting my boobs in a vice and then coming home to make dinner. Case closed.


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Books I read: September

The Chaperone - Laura Moriarty I wasn’t sure about this so it lazed in my room until it was nearly time to go back to the library, but I loved it. Simple and interesting.

American Empire 1945-2000 - Joshua Freeman this is when I finally admit to myself that no matter how interesting the history actually is, I am not capable of making it through a history book. Blah.

Broken Harbor - Tana French I didn’t love it as much as The Likeness, but it was still excellent. Tana French is an awesome writer.

Emperor's Edge - Lindsay Buroker I downloaded this free because Ordinary Girl had posted on goodreads about the whole series. I was not disappointed – it was fantastic. If you like fantasy/YA/action type books, download this today. And then download the rest of the series (I’m working on that)

Simply Irresistable - Jill Shalvis Cute, and without depth. Slightly smuttier than most chick lit. Perfect for what I needed.

Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn I was not as big a fan of this as everyone else seemed to be. It was good, yes. But ... I don't know. It just didn't stay with me that much.

Cold Kiss - Amy Garvey ugh, this was not great. I kept reading because I wanted to know what happened and then I was just glad to be done with it.

Outlander - Diana Gabaldon okay, so I really hate “period” pieces, and I really hate books where I have to think too much about wording and dialect because it takes me too far out of the story but I LOVED this. There was an interesting gloss over that I’d love to discuss with somebody but none of my IRL friends have read it, so … any takers?

The Surgeon - Tess Gerritsen Our book club book this month was supposed to be The Silent Girl which is the ninth in the series and I didn’t want to read that one without some background so I got the first from the library (MamaFuss has been recommending this series for months). I loved it. So much so that I’m working through the rest of the series via library ebook. They changed the Book Club book mid-month, but I’m still going to read Silent Girl when I get there in the series.

The Sinner - Tess Gerritsen see above

Body Double – Tess Garritsen see above

It feels to me like I read more than this, but this is all that’s on my list. I have a couple books on my nightstand that I haven’t gotten to, or have read a couple pages of, but every time I list a book that I’ve started but not completed, I never go back to it. So this month there’s none of that. If I actually read them, I’ll list next month. However, I’m working my way through the Gilmore Girls and the archives of the bloggers that will be at The Blathering so maybe October will be a light month. Time will tell!



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There goes another month!

I know that the internet is a broken record on this subject, but how is it October already? I seems like just yesterday it was mid-August and we were battling the oppressive heat and humidity while we played in the great outdoors. Now it’s October and … wait, we’re still battling the heat and humidity. Nevermind, October is but a name, but surely it’s still summer here.
My September was not as busy as I felt. My work calendar was empty, which was so very nice. Still, end of month on Friday was a mass of finishing up projects and bills and things I should have finished.








Home … home has been good. The boys have been in the splash pool as often as possible, and since it take next to nothing to fill it up it doesn’t bother me if they are done playing in 20 minutes. (usually they’ll be in for 45 minutes though, which is excellent on wearing them out a bit.) They are getting along fantastically, except that H seems to be getting his two-year molars in (somebody, stop the TEETHING!) and so he teeters between great and a child in cahoots with the devil. Plus, somehow he has gotten off the good-sleeper train and even though he wants to go to bed, he then spends 45 minutes whining about his stuffed animals not being lined up JUST SO and last night he lied to me about being poopy so I would get him up. Bah. Thankfully, Spencer falls asleep about 30 seconds after laying down and a freight train through the middle of the room wouldn’t wake him up. Don’t have to worry about room-sharing here.
Henry also decided this week to give up his nap completely, even at daycare. It’s been rough (this is earlier than S gave his up, even though he gave it up early too) but I don’t think it’s worth fighting over. He does sleep in the car, so on longish trips he’s getting a good nap, but otherwise no-sleeping, not no-where, not no-how.
This weekend we decided to drive down to Sarasota to check out the new Trader Joe’s. It seems a long way to go for a grocery store (it is) but I wanted to do it once. Now I’m content to wait until we get one of our very own, that I can visit at odd times when it’s not so blessed busy. We bought a lot of frozen (and brought them home in our large thermal tote) but this was the coup de gras (for Spencer, anyhow):

(photo: traderjoes.com)
Have I mentioned Spencer’s newest obsession with shrimp? I don’t know when it happened, but he now wants shrimp for pretty much every meal. We went for Chinese the other night – he and his brother split shrimp fried rice. He ate the shrimp and his brother ate the rice. Last weekend he was hungry on the drive home and had me drive thru Long John Silver for popcorn shrimp and then ate nearly the whole box. So we saw these at TJs and I had to get them for him. He had one with dinner Sunday night and proclaimed them delicious.
I skipped blogging about #cbdiet on Thursday, mostly because my Monday post was about #biggestbloggingloser and I really didn’t want to turn this into a diet blog. I am not a dieter, and I don’t really want to seem like someone who obsesses about my weight and food intake because I don’t. It’s always in the back of my mind, but there’s an awful lot of other things back there keeping it company. I had intended to blog about other things last week too, but we all know about the Road to Hell. But I did well last week, especially with keeping myself on track with how MUCH I needed (or didn’t need) to eat. I didn’t restrict myself completely (Tijuana Flats chicken flautas, anyone?) but I made smart choices over all and didn’t overeat or eat when I didn’t need to. At my weigh-in this morning I was back down under 150, which made me feel like I was doing something right.




(I have no idea why my pant legs look of different colors. I swear they're both gray)
And lastly, I got new shoes! I’ve wanted cream colored heels for a long time, and while I’m pretty sure they’re currently out-of-season (with it not being summer and all) I don’t care. I live in Florida, dude. It’s summer 10.5 months of the year. They’re high but comfortable, they’re pretty, and best of all they’re open while still covering most of my eczema. AND! $18 on clearance, so score!
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The Mirror Image

I have a terrible body image. I know this about myself, and I know that I don’t look as bad as I feel I look. I know, truly, that losing a few pounds won’t make me feel better about myself. I know that eating healthier and working out more will make me feel better inside, but won’t make me feel better about myself. I know all of this.

But the brain is a funny thing. I look at women bigger than me and think “how can they look so good when I have these rolls?” I look at other women and think, “how can they look like they have it all together?” I know I don’t look *bad*. I don’t look People of Walmart bad. I haven’t left the house longer than to get the newspaper from the driveway in my pjs since college, I swear! But I also don't leave my house without being fully put together because it's the only way I feel okay about leaving the house at all.

Anyhow, I joined #biggestbloggingloser again this year. Last year it really helped me start losing weight and even though I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good about yourself is not just about the number on the scale, I do not know how to gauge without that number. I don’t join fad diets. I don’t starve myself. I’m not a calorie counter or anything. The only way I know how to lose weight is to eat more moderately, try to make healthier choices, and to exercise.

Last night I stopped at the store and picked up a bunch of veggies. I got vegetables I’m not used to working with in hopes that it challenges me for new and exciting dishes (there are now two artichokes, a spaghetti squash and an eggplant residing in my kitchen with my usual salad stuff and spinach). I made breakfasts for myself for the week, and packed my workout things to take to work with me so I can use the gym on my lunch again. I took the stairs this morning (I only work on the third floor; this shouldn’t be an issue).

While I don’t calorie count, I am going to try to start documenting what I eat so I can feel accountable for what I’m putting into my body. I need to throw away the last of the ice cream. Last year, #biggestbloggingloser taught me to be accountable to myself for how my body looks. By the end of 2011, I lost 42lbs, ran in numerous 5ks and one 10k. I felt strong and I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. While I have only gained 8-10lbs of that back and haven't even hit the next actual size up, I’ve lost all of the confidence I had then. So what I really hope to gain in these next 11 weeks is not just a new size or a cash prize (although both would be nice!). I hope to be able to look in the mirror and feel strong and confident.


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Fall Into Reading 2012

Last year was my first FIR participation, and already! Here it is again! I'm through 80 books so far this year, but the fall is when things get busy. I'm participating in #biggestbloggingloser, which, God willing, will take up some of my time working out. There is Christmas shopping and holidays, family and thisthatandtheother, so I love this challenge since it keeps me reading among all the other things.
Book club books:
The Cost of Hope by Amanda Bennett




Manhunt by James L Swanson




Library list:
Game of Thrones by George R R Martin




In The Shadow of the Banyan by Vaddey Ratner




Night Strangers by Chris Bohjalian




Savages by Don Winslow




When in Doubt, Add Butter by Beth Harbison




Other:
I need 13 other books to round out my reading through the end of the year (although Fall Into Reading runs through Dec. 21). Any suggestions? Have you read something amazing that I would enjoy?
For more Fall intoReading participants or to participate yourself, visit callapiller days
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Cbdiet, attempt two week two

Okay. So I’ve gotten a little bit of a handle on my workouts. I’ve gotten a handle on my eating. But I’m not losing any weight, which makes me know that I need to do more. But here’s the thing: I like to eat good food. I don’t know if it’s worth losing weight if I’m not enjoying what I’m eating, or if I’m not enjoying my workouts. Or on the latter, at least I need to feel I’m not missing out on anything else while I do my workouts and better having done them. Also, I’ve decided to participate in #biggestbloggingloser again this year, in hopes of kicking myself in the rear (again). Last time I lost 20lbs on my way to a 42lb weight loss year. I don’t think I have that much to lose this time, but maybe getting involved will help again.

Weigh-in: 150.4 (down 1.5)

Exercise: This week I didn't run (rain) and I did an ab/yoga workout once. I also did gardening-from-hell/mulching on Saturday. I actually forgot that I did the gardening and when I woke up Saturday I couldn’t figure out why my legs hurt. Oh yeah!

Successes: Here’s one I felt a super success over: Sunday we had a big breakfast (that’s not the success) but then we didn’t have lunch. I took a nap and Hubs *really* wanted to go to Red Robin for their Octoberfest burger. We went for dinner, but I wasn’t feeling the burger love so I GOT A SALAD. AT RED ROBIN. This may not sound like much to you, but I crave their guacamole bacon burger (with cheddar, no mayo) with a vengeance. Anywho, I got a salad (it was really good, BTW) and then I only ate half. And drank water. And I had some grapes for dessert when I started getting hungry again.

Splurges/Guilty Pleasures: I’m still with the Dr. Pepper, however Wednesday I had a breakthrough. I drink one 20oz Dr Pepper a day through the week. I decided to get a 12-pk of cans and keep them at work (it’s basically my 2pm caffeine recharge), and allow one can a day. That brings me down to 12oz a day, and saves money. My other splurge this week was beer – I drank a lot of beer, specifically pumpkin beer and Leinenkugel Lemon Berry Shandy.

Recipes/Photos: again, I don’t really have any recipes. I did a similar thing as last week though with adding to a not-healthy food to make it a little healthier. I made baked mac & cheese (a la Betty Crocker), but I added about two cups of leftover roasted chicken, and about two cups of roasted veggies (some of everything in my fridge: onions, asparagus, zucchini, corn), as well as using whole wheat pasta and skim milk and it was delicious and filling, and one pan fed two adults and two children and left three leftover adult lunches.



Also, here's a lunch I had Saturday: open faced half hot beef and cheddar sandwich (thin sliced all), half an orange and cottage cheese. Very satisfying!




For more Cardboard diet posts or to join in, visit LfT!

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Ages, smages

Do you ever forget how old you are? When older women do this I used to think “wow, have they been lying about their age so long they can’t remember the truth?” but here I am, never lying about my age, trying to remember if I’m 32 or 33.

I’m 32. That’s the great thing about being born in a decade year. Minimal math necessary. My brother and mom and younger son were also born on decade years. Too bad I have to remember how old I am to remember how old they are, right?

I got a haircut Sunday. It’s very short. As in, all my earrings are longer than my hair, short. I like it though. I was worried that it wouldn’t look good once I was the one doing the styling, but I washed it last night, and styled it this morning and voila! It looks presentable! I couldn’t remember my hair being this short ever, but then my father posted this photo to facebook:





Apparently, I’m five in that photo. I was string-bean tall, so I have a hard time remembering ages (see, then too!) But that fuzzy ear to the right of me seems to be my beloved dog Pi which dates this to before I was six. And always, the books. At least I can point out that I’ve always had several books around me at all times, right? I will advise that I did not go with the 80s bowl cut this time.





And I bought this water slide/slash pool on Target clearance about a month ago and left it in my trunk for when we were having a crisis about what to do around the house. Friday we pulled it out and blew it up, and the kids have been playing with it DAILY. Henry comes home and goes directly to the back door. “Pool!” (It’s amazing how fast that child has picked up speaking. Can’t shut him up now!) Last night was the first night that we didn’t, and that’s just because it rained all day and was still drizzly and gross when they got home. It’s been so much fun! And I can sit on the porch and have a pumpkin beer in peace, too, which is key.




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Oh look! The obligatory vacation post!

You know that feeling when you feel so far removed from something happening that it feels moot to blog about it?

That’s how I feel about my vacation (which just ended Monday). I then wrote this post on Wednesday but had to add pictures ... And already it's (this) close to Sunday.

We had a great time, for the most part. The flight up was easy and the boys were good. I mostly only have pictures of H, because S spent the flight with my in-laws. It was a different experience with a two year old than it was with a one year old like last year. No pacifiers to shove in the mouth when he got whiny. He was actually interested in looking out the window at the city below (although he still couldn’t see well and I moved to have him sit on my lap). He needed more things to keep him busy but he was able to stay busy. He slept for half of both the long flights (there and back). Spencer … well he talked to everyone, everywhere for the entire flights.












When we finally got to Albany we were exhausted, hungry, exhausted, cranky, exhausted, and a little lost. To wrap – we left our house at 6:30am and did not reach the hotel until 4pm. To say we were ALL troopers by that point is not an understatement. We had Linner at the sports bar at the hotel and then tried to go up to the hotel and rest. … … …
HA!








One forgets that children get more riled, not less, when in a hotel room, even a large suite so they have their own room. After a few raucous games of hide and seek and S hitting his forehead so hard on a corner that he had a bruise front and center, I took them down to the pool to burn off some energy. They loved it, but burning off the energy they did not do.












Friday we spent in Saratoga Springs. We visited the horse racing museum because the track was closed (racing ends Labor day, pooh), which was interesting although the kids were scared of the life-sized fake horses, and S was EXTREMELY scared of the horse skeleton. As in, we had to leave that very moment – wouldn’t even wait inside while the grandparents made their hourly trip to the bathroom. I thought he would think it was neat. Henry had to say hi to all the horse photos and all the horse statues and tell them to GO GO GO! (this is done with a right arm fist pump to the sky, yes I should have videotaped it but no, I did not).








We followed that up with a visit to the Saratoga Automobile Museum. Unbeknownst to me, there was a Nascar display going on and my FIL and oldest son LOVE Nascar. This was a big hit (props to Hubs for making the suggestion). I saw very little of the museum because Henry was mad he wasn’t allowed to touch things (I would say “Don’t touch!” and he would say “TOUCH IT! TOUCH IT!” so we spent most of our time in the kids room playing on the two cars and the simulator that he could touch. Didn’t bother me in the least.)








THEN we found our way to downtown Saratoga Springs to meet up with my hilarious long-time blog friend Stacie, the kids rode the old wooden carousel, terrorized the ducks, splashed in the fountain and we ate at an adorable restaurant called Circus Café. We all had a great, exhausting, fun time. We even got to meet Corey and Oliver who were out for a train pull/walk. And I forgot to visit the Springs, which obviously means I will have to go back. Darn.




All of the above happened before 3pm, so we bid adieu to Stacie (frowny face), sent my in-laws on their way back to Albany, and we drove through the lower part of the Adirondacks while Henry got a nap. We found Mater and Lightening in Edelton, NY, and Hubs and I got to enjoy ourselves looking at the countryside. I took no pictures, because I’ve gotten terrible about that.












Back in Albany, we stopped at Kurver Kreme for ice cream (perfect day to do it, they closed for the season the next day!) and headed back to the hotel so the kids could play games in the Sports bar, we could have a drink, and meet up with some family who were staying in the same hotel but came in a day later than us.








Saturday was wedding day, but not until later so we headed out to the Tugboat Roundup. I found this while on my quest to find things for us to do, so I had no idea what to expect but it was such a cute little festival! The kids got to tour tugboats and see several different kinds of boats. S danced to the cute music that was set up on the largest boat, and we saw the Erie Canal and the Lock system.
We did more swimming once we got back to the hotel to keep us occupied, and then we headed down to the Catskills to the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding. So many different quirky details … that I took pictures of none (I told you, I’m terrible at this). It rained terribly during the ceremony and the first part of the reception, but thankfully waited until after we all danced out of the tent for a bead toss to The Saints Go Marching and got back under the tent. We left around 10pm when the party was still in full gear (we are old and very young).




On our last day in Albany, we brunched at Café Madison which was delicious! (again, no pictures, I need a flash). Our flight was late and we had a lot of horrible experiences with the airlines but we finally got home very late Sunday night, all in one piece more or less. I love going away, but even more I love coming home.
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