Relaxation triggers and sleep crutches

Since changing my meds I have been sleeping incredibly better. I always thought my sleeping problems were sleep related, but it turns out like most other things in my life, it was anxiety related. There’s no off switch for my brain, and when my body is still it starts hitting the treadmill so that it can keep going inside. I’ve been experimenting with the meds a little to see if I can take half a pill on lower stress days or if I can get by with no pill if I’m feeling good. The answer to the latter is no, not yet. But I can do half pills sometimes so I’m working with that.

I do have a problem that I have to go to sleep within a certain time period or my anxiety ramps up again and makes it near impossible to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. I laid (lied?) awake thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to my children. Every creak of the house brought me wandering through to check windows and doors and the garage door to make sure it was secure. I thought about my fire alarms and how I’m always worried they aren’t working. I made plans to teach the kids how to get out of their window (that will backfire when they’re 16, I’m sure). I fretted and wrung hands and did not sleep. Around 2am I took the other half of my pill and put in earbuds to listen to an album I often listen to when I’m super stressed. I don’t like listening to music or white noise when I sleep because I’m already a heavy sleeper and what if I don’t wake when I need to? But it was needed, and it was exactly what I needed. A couple songs in and I finally found that peace.

I should have done it at 11pm. 12am. 1am. I should have recognized my issue before it became so much that I couldn’t get up in the morning because I was just so exhausted. But part of this is recognizing patterns, right? I’m working on that.

This album triggers my relaxation:

And it’s so beautiful.

I’m always worried about listening too much because I don’t want to need it. I don’t want to need my pills. I just want to sleep when I’m supposed to.

The kids listen to a CD to fall asleep – Jack Johnson. Whenever they hear the songs anywhere else, they recognize them as sleep songs. They don’t listen all night, just one round of the album, but it’s definitely part of the routine that makes it hard to go to sleep without it. It’s a crutch. As crutches go, it’s not a huge one. But.

Books I read: March

April’s almost passed, I should probably get moving on my books post for March, yes? I read quite a bit in March, which is surprising because it was the month from H-E-double hockey sticks, scheduling-wise. I can only chalk it up to audiobooks while I was on the road and reading in airports. Because seriously, my month was nuts.

reread:

1. Seraphina - Rachel Hartman I didn’t realize there was a sequel to this and I so loved it, so I downloaded it to listen to while on long work drives. It was wonderfully narrated and wonderful.

new:

12. Wonder - RJ Palacio This was so good. I don’t know why I didn’t read it before.

13. Ready Player One - Ernest Cline I tried to read this before but it was in print and there were all these font changes and it’s just so obnoxious so I don’t think I got through the first chapter. A+ on the ebook version though. Enjoyed.

14. Dead of Winter - Kresley Cole I thought this was going to be the last book in the series; it was not. I did not agree with a major choice in this one, but you know – fickle girl, she may change her mind in the next. Ha. Enjoyable series, unique idea.

15. The One & Only - Emily Giffin listened to the audiobook, it was … yeah, no.

16. God'll Cut You Down - John Safran This had so much potential but the writer wasn’t really much of a writer and there was a lot of quirky rambling.

17. Bone Gap - Laura Ruby I loved this. Also audiobook. Very different. YA.

18. If I Ever Get Out of Here - Eric Gansworth Hated. Hated. Audiobook. May have been the narrator but I suspect not.

19. Girl on a Train - AJ Waines So my manager bought the “wrong” Girl on a Train” book, loved it, lent it to me. I loved it. So I did not read the same one everyone else did but I recommend this one too. It was good.

20. Nothing Like Looking - Chris Van Hakes I bought this TWICE because I was having amazon issues but I didn’t mind because the author is a friend. I thought it was so good – cohesive and quirky and reminded me a lot of Yentl. Without the sacred Jewish religious training.

21. Veronica Mars 2 - Rob Thomas No one expects this to be high literature (spoiler: it’s not) but I enjoyed it because any bit of VM I can get even though I was 10 years late for the party is good for me. I even paid full price for it (high praise).

22. Solstice Day Gifts - Lindsay Buroker A little in-between book (novella?) about some of my favorite characters.

23. Patterns in the Dark - Lindsay Buroker Fourth book in the current LB series, five thumbs up.

24. Mercenary Instinct - Ruby Lancaster And then I found out that LB started a pen name for more of a sci-fi series, and even though I don’t read sci-fi I couldn’t resist. And I adored it and I bought all the others in the series but have been held up with library books so I will get back to it asap.

Present

I haven't been here.

I guess that's obvious, but also I haven't really been <I>here</I> here, either. I've been struggling on a lot of fronts and I haven't really been able to find the words to explain myself to myself. I want to write but I also want to like my writing. I feel like most posts these days are catching myself up on my life instead of living it, and then I get bogged down in the minutia of all the things I "forgot" to post about ... Oh, it's an evil circle.

So. I had a lot of really stressful things happen, I broke down a lot and I got myself some help. Right now it's medicated help, but I've also been more open to talking which is helping and I will eventually get to a therapist, I'm sure. I spent a lot of time hiding. I hid from my marriage and my children. I yelled a lot, I hated myself and what I felt like I was becoming. 

What also helped besides the medication was a vacation. I went to the blathering and spent several days with some of the best people. The best girls. The best women. I felt like the best me. Not a perfect me, but the best I can be.

I came back feeling like all I am is enough. So I've picked up and started my head over again. I've done is before, this starting again. Isn't that what we all do? Is it just me? I'm at peace with starting from here. I did some grocery shopping, meal planned for the first time since I went down that steep hill, sang with my children and played games and told jokes with them. Yelled very little. Had a meal alone with my husband. I stood on the scale and saw I gained 6.4lbs and I didn't cry. It really didn't even bother me. 

I'm me, and that's okay. I'm present. (Except now I'm late for a baseball game)

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