Dusting off, Don't let the door hit you 2016, and 2017 intentions

I've tried, I really have. I even did one of those "Day in the Life" posts to kick things off, but ugh. My life is so boring. So here I am without fanfare. (*edited to add that I ended up doing one of those end-of-year surveys yesterday, which was boring and depressing. This post now feels redundant but I'm doing it anyhow.)

Things are ... better. I'm still down, and I still have wild ups and downs. I'm seeing a therapist, although I haven't lit the fire under my butt to do some of the homework he's assigned me (I have an aversion to self-help books). I haven't been reading at all - I don't have the head space for anything except re-watching Veronica Mars over and over.

I did watch Die Hard for the first time, Christmas Eve.

It's been a terrible year. No one close to me has died, the state of the world has me continually hyperventilating and donating money to this and that organization.

The kids are perpetually okay though. My saving grace. And my husband has been so gracious in the face of all my nonsense.

2017 is hopefully the year I get myself together. Here are my resolutions/intentions:

Jennie is doing the BBL again this year, and I'm all in. It's not so much about the losing weight, but I really hate *how I look* and I need to resolve that for myself. So BBL for me, this year, is about self-care. Working on my mental health issues. Taking time for myself. Getting my family onto more vegetables and water and on less sugar. Drinking less (none in January, we'll talk after that). Find a psychiatrist (right now my GP is prescribing my anxiety and anti-depressants and that isn't working for the long term). Do the homework the doctor recommends. Like myself.

We desperately need more room for our family, but I think after some serious looking and discussing about how much we would have to put down, we think we'll wait a year. One year, to save as much as we can and make an honest list of what needs doing around our house now, and we'll work on those things. I'm not giving up the couple of trips I have planned, although I'm going to set aside the money for them immediately so we don't take the hit in March and April. We're going to pay off my car so we don't have any more debt except the house, and then we're going to save save save save. This time next year hopefully we can truly afford our forever house instead of settling for something that isn't at all what we want.

I hope to be around here more, because I think that when I'm feeling okay - not on top of the world, just normal. I'm here. So ideally, I'll be here.

Avada Kedavra, 2016.

2016 recap

I wasn't going to do this, but then AS did it, so I thought maybe it was time. I have another post waiting in the wings that will be my final 2016 post if I can get it together to plug my phone into my home computer for pictures, but here's to giving 2016 the ol' heave ho.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

Voluntarily went to a therapist. Made many many doctor’s appointments and kept them all. Acknowledged going off the rails and needing help. Scheduled my son for surgery and stood outside while they wheeled him away, and then fretted over him for three months as he recuperated.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

*looks back to see if I even even made any new year’s resolutions* It appears I made a bunch of fitness resolutions and didn’t keep any of them; I did make half-year resolutions on my birthday and promptly life went off the rails and whatever. The second half of this year was so hard that I don’t even remember when things were good. I made 2017 intentions. I intend to keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister had a baby. I’m not close to her, and I’ve only met him once but he’s a charmer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, but that doesn’t make any of those deaths unimportant. (my uncle is having major surgery this afternoon, so ….)

5. Where did you travel?

Kansas! Illinois! Williamsburg!

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? 

More self-esteem; more decision-making capabilities. More space and more ability to relax.

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

August 2, 2016, Spencer’s surgery. Honestly the rest of the year is a giant hazy smokescreen.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Asking for help. Accepting help. Reaching out for the edge of the cliff.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My temper. That fuse is so short, man.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not of the physical variety, that I can think of. I really … I don’t know?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to visit Dawn in Kansas. It feels like a lifetime ago.

12. Where did most of your money go? 

Children. Medical bills.

13. What did you get really excited about? 

I can’t remember being truly excited for anything. Seeing Dawn. Going to Hoopla.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? So much sadder. So, so much.

– thinner or fatter? I think the same, pound-wise. Probably wider though.

– richer or poorer? I think about the same.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Relaxing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yelling at my kids. Listening to whining. Sleeping during daylight hours.

18. How did you spend Christmas? 

Christmas Eve we drove around and looked at lights and had Starbucks and counted ight-up snowmen and listened to Christmas music. Christmas Day we had family over for breakfast and gifts and then went to my MIL’s for dinner and gifts and more family time.

19. What was your favorite TV program? 

Veronica Mars. I didn’t much have the head space for anything new.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Anything by Leigh Barduga, Court of Mist and Fury by Sara J Maas, A Great Reckoning (the latest Louise Penny book). I didn’t read as much, especially the last half of the year. I’m on #110 (Little Women).

21. What was your favorite music this year?

Hamilton. Podcasts.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Rogue One, Fantastic Beasts, Kubo and the Two Strings

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

We went to Williamsburg the week before my birthday and came home two days before, so on my birthday I cleaned house and didn’t do much of anything. Made a lot of resolutions that I promptly didn’t keep. 36, it’s living the dream.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

PRESIDENT HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON (I’m keeping this answer.)

25. What was the political issue you that stirred you?

Every political issue gave me such high anxiety that I waffled between sticking my head in the sand to wallowing in it all.

26. What kept you sane?

I know such wonderful people.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

I am worth being.

Life

I'm not living life well right now. I'm starting this on 10/13. I've deleted social media from my phone except for messenger to keep my friends close without being exposed to things that tend to make me hyperventilate. If only I could figure out what those things are. 

I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to blogging. Not my old way anyhow. I just thought, maybe, I'd keep a collection. Thoughts I need to get out of my brain. Things I would normally put on Twitter or Facebook but don't have that outlet. I don't know if anyone will read this. 

I've cried several times tonight. I was wandering around our small kitchen trying to will myself to start dinner (shrimp was thawed, it was the starting point I lacked). C stopped my nervous round and round movements and I just sobbed on his chest. I don't know why. He asked me what needed starting and got rice on while I de-tailed the shrimp. Once I started, it was autopilot. The movement of cooking is so soothing, but everything tastes the same. I eat because I'm supposed to eat. 

The second time was when a friend texted a picture of a sunset. It was so beautiful. I can always tell where my headspace is when in a good spot because my drive home includes going over a bridge and the glitter of the sun on the water makes everything sparkle. I didn't notice the water at all today. Was there even sun? C talked me into sitting outside earlier while he practiced baseball with the boys. It was better than bed. I'm so tired.

Half year resolutions

I wrote this post in the car coming home from vacation on Sunday and then it ceased to exist on my iPad. Sigh. It makes it so much harder to crank out actual thoughtful posts in a timely fashion when you have to think of what and how you want to write, the same thing twice.

Anyhow, today is my birthday. I've been thinking for the past few weeks that I'd like to make a few resolutions of how to work on the second half of my year, the first half of my 36th year. So here goes. I'm pretty sure this was more eloquent the first time I said it - we can pretend, right?

a) Get healthy. This is always a New Years resolution, isn't it? It's really not about pounds, although that is always a little bit of a concern - how tightly I'm fitting into non-leggings, but I feel noticeably weaker. I get tired faster. I get headaches in the heat more. I have less stamina, endurance, etc. ... whatever you want to call it. So now that my birthday is passed, I am hanging up the weekday alcohol. I'm making better decisions with food - more lean proteins and veggies and complex carbs, less dairy and pasta and alcohol (right after I finish this glass of wine). More water. Less sugar. I want to start running and/or working out five times a week again. Ideally, 3x running and 2x strength training. I want to feel better.

b) Get healthy emotionally. I need a therapist. I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple weeks and I need to address this. I've been putting it off because it's not covered by my health insurance but I need to buck up and deal with shit. Also I need to do more things on my own, for myself.

c) no-buy July, September, November, except for Christmas gifts and birthday gifts.

d) Learn Spanish. So I don't know if I can, at my old age, but it's so frustrating to not know what is being said around you. I live in a very Hispanic area. Most of the parents on my son's baseball team speak prodominantly Spanish. There were a couple who tried to switch to English to make me feel more welcome, but mostly I felt excluded. This is a skill I should have, in this day and age. So I'm playing Duolingo. I'm going to work on Rosetta Stone. I'm going to see about checking some Spanish learning CDs and books from the library. I might as well see if this brain still works.

e) there was something else, and I'm sure I'll remember after I hit publish, so this is a placeholder. I have one more expectation of myself for the second half of 2016.

Books I Read: May 2016

May

reread:

11. Dragonfly in Amber - Diana Gabaldon still meh

12. The Wrath and the Dawn - Renee Ahdieh (audio)

13. A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J Maas

new:

32. The Last Letter from Your Lover - Jojo Moyes fantastic

33. The Wrath and the Dawn - Renee Ahdieh beautifully written

34. The Glittering Court - Richelle Mead

35. The Rose Garden - Susanna Kearsley lovely

36. The Raven King - Maggie Stiefvater sigh <3 div="">

37. The Rose and the Dagger - Renee Ahdieh (audio)

38. The Winner’s Curse - Marie Rutkoski (loved this series)

39. The Winner’s Crime - Marie Rutkoski

40. The Winner’s Kiss - Marie Rutkoski

41. Pretty Girls - Karin Slaughter underwhelmed

42. Silent Blade - Ilona Andrews

Currently (in fifteen minutes)

I have a dearth of time but I want to, so very much wish to post. So here it goes – how fast can I do it? And will it suck? Signs point to possibly, but hey, what can you do? We all do our best.

Currently, a la Katy Upperman.

Loving

This is the best thing on the internet right now.

Reading

I finished rereading A Court of Thorns and Roses in anticipation of A Court of Mist and Fury, which I’m still waiting on from Overdrive (I’m next! I’m next!) but I’m having trouble finding a book that really speaks to me. I had really good May books. I need good recommendations for June books. I was underwhelmed by Karin Slaughter’s Pretty Girls despite (because of?) they hype, and I haven’t been able to get into Michael Scott’s The Alchemyst. I'll post my read in May books ... soon? I need recommendations for now though.

Watching

Baseball. I loved the first season of Glee but I haven’t cared enough to watch any more. You know what I want to be able to watch? CSI. Why is it Miami and NY are available but good old Vegas is nowhere?

Listening To

Classic Vinyl on Sirius.

Oh! Also, I listened to Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe and LMM narrates it and WHERE IS MY HEART-EYED EMOJI? I had thoughts and feelings and opinions about the ending, but I don’t want to ruin it so I’ll keep my opinions to myself. The  voice of the book as voiced by Lin though, broad smile. Broad Smile.

Thinking About

Everything I’m not doing while I type.

Anticipating

WILLIAMSBURG. We leave in 19 days. Man, I need an extended vacation. I’m so scared of what I come back to though.

Wishing

Magically I was on top of everything

Making Me Happy

 

Currently...

I don’t know what to say today.

So I’ve started a couple posts with this sentence and then haven’t gotten past that because man, things are busy these days.

So let’s start things back in motion with a try at a “currently” post, shall we? Yes, let’s do that.

Loving

I’ve been walking twice a day with coworkers and it’s been so good to get away from my desk. Mental health is underrated.

Reading

In the last week (okay, maybe four days) I’ve read the Winner’s Curse trilogy (fantastic), The Raven King (is there a word for better than fantastic?) and The Rose Garden (which was lovely but paled next to the others and I’m glad I read it first).

My plan is to read The Raven King again before it has to go back to the library.

Watching

You thought I was going to say baseball, right?

Well yes, but also hockey. Go Bolts!

Listening to

Right this very second I’m listening to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Hits on Prime Music.

Good stuff.

This morning I finished listening to The Wrath and the Dawn by audio (I read the print earlier this month) and it was delight to the eyes and the ears. I have The Rose and the Dagger downloaded to start this afternoon on my drive home from work.

Thinking about

I finally got an orthopedic appointment for Spencer scheduled for tomorrow so I had to go through all the intake forms for him and I’ve been thinking about that. I’m not going to the appointment and it’s hard for me to let it go. My husband is perfectly capable.

Anticipating

I go to Kansas to see Dawn in SIX DAYS. And see the Rays play the Royals and spend quality time not working.

I went to find photo number 1 but then couldn't not use photo number 2 also. Sigh. Love that girl.

Wishing

 It was the weekend already.

Making Me Happy