No-buy continues, Mother’s day and more baseball

I’ve done pretty good on my no-buy lately, although I have to admit that I haven’t been keeping track as well as I should.

5/8 I thought about flowers for my mom but they were unrealistic since she drives a scooter so I didn’t end up getting anything until early Sunday morning when I took myself to Walgreens and got chocolates etc for her and my sister. $35. Doing this earlier in the week probably would have been cheaper.

I know that C spent a bit of money getting foodstuff for hanging out at his parents’ house for Mother’s Day but I’m choosing to ignore those expenses as reasonable and necessary. Food=good.

Other than making sure I had wine and beer in the house when I went grocery shopping, I haven’t bought anything else. I've THOUGHT about buying things, and one night I even dreamt I bought a bunch of things on Amazon but I have not done so.

So. Mother’s Day! I have been fraught with anxiety and thinking about Mother’s Day took me over the edge on Friday and I went home to lay down for three hours and eat cheap macaroni and cheese. I made some decisions though, and on Sunday I carried them out. I made overnight French toast and left explicit instruction on baking so that I could sleep in. I am incapable of sleeping in and rose at 6:53a, but I tried and they tried which is all that mattered. 

I got several hours with my family, and then the boys and I packed up and headed to the hospital with my mom to spend some time with new baby and my sister. That again ended up being a lot of nonsense, but I did get to see new baby and my sister for 10 minutes and the boys were uncommonly good at the hospital. At exactly when I said we needed to leave, we headed home, dropped off my mom and spent the rest of the day at my inlaws’ house eating fried chicken and Cubans and eight million chips and veggies soaked in ranch. It was a good time.

(side note because I just reread my last post: C took the boys shopping for me for MD and I said “I want bath stuff and/or chocolate” and got my bath bombs. I went for direct. Score!)

My anxiety came back with a rush around 5pm, but since we had taken two cars to my inlaws’ house I packed myself home for a quiet moment and a bath before everyone else came home. We might need to do that every time we go anywhere; it was so freeing to say “whelp, this was lovely but I’ve had enough and ciao!” without waiting for everyone else to be ready to go.

Monday we found out that S made the AllStar team and that is exciting! But wow, expensive. (I’m not really surprised but there was a slight bit of sticker shock still) We had wanted him to find out when they called his name at closing ceremonies but then practice started this week and he had to be told. However, he went through practice and didn’t understand that he was on the Allstars, he just thought they were letting him practice with them so that was a little amusing.

AllStars puts a slight crimp in our vacation plans as regionals is the same weekend we planned to leave, but we’ll end up spending the weekend at a hotel in the city of the tournament and then leaving direct from there Sunday night. Now that we have specifics on when practice and games are, we’ll be able to actually plan vacation and other things that come up. I love actually being able to plan. 

House buying, no-buy May and Whole 30-ish too.

We’ve been talking about buying a new house here for the past several months and have started driving neighborhoods and crunching numbers. We’ve been deciding what really matters to us (me: 4+ bedrooms, pool or community pool, fireplace, sidewalks. Him: good deal, office, space, no major immediate updating needed).

So for years we’ve lived far within our means, which means that we can dine out when we want and order from Amazon when we want and generally not worry and even still save money. It’s been lovely, but now we need to get real. I decided to do a no-buy this month because honestly, it’s out of hand. I need to just say no to Amazon. Make a meal plan and stick to it. Not run to Target and accidentally spend … well, you know what we all spend at Target on an unplanned run.

It helped that Stephany blogged that she was going to do one, so here I am. Admittedly, it hasn’t gone perfectly so far, but I can at least say that I thought about every dollar spent and how to change that for the rest of the month.

5/1: we had plans with the baseball team to go to Culver’s, so that was $25. This was already a planned expense because we’re going to do the kid stuff. It is what it is.

Also, midday a friend messaged me to ask if I wanted to go to a musical with her. I didn’t have to pay for the ticket, but I did buy myself two glasses of wine. $16.

5/2: I stopped at Starbucks for coffee and breakfast, but I have money in my account so I’m not sure yet if this counts. But anyhow, $11. My sister had her baby, which was unexpected, and I picked my mom up and took her down to the hospital. Coffees and waters at the cafeteria $6

5/3: I forgot to pack myself a lunch for work, and with the insanity of some professional stuff, I did not take a lunch and ate from the vending machine. Cheetos and Dr. Pepper: $2.

Today I brought my breakfast and lunch and my water bottle so hopefully even though I left my La Croix at home I’ll be good.

I did my grocery shopping for the week and only forgot one thing, so I’m going to make myself a very specific list to get in and out without buying up the store. I’m trying to decide if I want to buy bath bombs or make comments tonight about needing them and see if they show up for Mother’s Day.

So obviously also, my expectation to try to do Whole 30 has not worked out well either. I’ve been a bit more purposeful in my carb-loading that’s a lie. I haven’t made pasta or rice with dinner. That’s the only truth. I want to try. That’s a truth. Once the rum cake my MIL got me in the Caribbean is gone, I’ll see what I can do. Tomorrow is another day. Truth.

Books I Read: April 2016

reread:

10. Shattered Silk - Barbara Michaels In high school I loved this book and it kept coming back to me so I picked it up from the library for a fun reread.

new:

22. Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard After having a long trouble of settling down with books, I read these in a weekend, staying up until obscene times of the night to finish. I loved them.

23. Queen Song - Victoria Aveyard 

24. Glass Sword - Victoria Aveyard

25. Soundless - Richelle Mead Very different for Mead. I liked.

26. Alexander Hamilton - Ron Chernow (audio) I might never finish listening to this but I'm loving it. There's such an obvious bias that I'm now interested in reading more about the other founding fathers to get a better picture of all sides. I found out that somoene I'm acquainted with through work wrote several books about Jefferson, so that might be my next foray into political biography.

27. Spirit Gate - Kate Elliott I thought the reason I couldn't get into Black Wolves was because I didn't read the prior trilogy, but it wasn't the case. Everytime I got attached to a character, she killed them off and I had trouble following the full plot. Just wasn't to be.

Black Wolves - Kate Elliott and since the prior trilogy wasn't to be, I finally put this to bed. Not everything is perfect.

28. Ammie, Come Home - Barbara Michaels This was a fun little palate cleanser of a spooky book. I can't believe I read all of Michaels' other books in my teens and missed this one.

29. Steel Scars - Victoria Aveyard not as good as the rest of the books but a short fun read.

30. Hamilton: The Revolution - Lin-Manuel Miranda This has been bedtime reading for the past week and I'm loving it.

31. Alif the Unseen - G. Willow Wilson This was beautiful and strange and I didn't understand half of it and loved it anyhow. I might need to buy and reread this a few times.

Currently

I'm in for a dose of Currently with Katy Upperman!

Loving

This comes with a story. For my birthday, or Christmas, or some such holiday a couple years ago, I asked my husband for a pink wallet. I really wanted a pink wallet. He ordered me a beautiful leather wallet … but since he ordered it, he *thought* it was pink (or a salmon, I suppose) via the computer monitor, but it was red. Red. Very red. It was a very nice wallet otherwise and I used it with gusto, but I never stopped wanting my pink wallet.

Anyhow, two weekends ago I went to Macy’s to try to use up some store credit and found a lovely pink wallet and they were doing this ludicrous thing (ludicrous, Macy’s, really) where you could “preorder” your purchases utilizing a 25% friends and family coupon but then they had to keep your purchases for a week. So I bought it and went back Saturday to pick it up and it’s so pretty. I love my wallet. I would have also loved to have taken it home with me a week ago, but whatever.

Reading

I’m reading Alif the Unseen right now, which I get but also I don’t get. It’s set in the Middle East, and very interesting but some just goes straight over my head. I’m engrossed though.

Also the Hamiltome. So fascinating.

Watching

The answer to this is always baseball.

Listening to

The Chernow biography, still. I love it but I might be listening for the rest of my natural life. 20 hours and 42 minutes left. Chapter 19 of 44.

Also listening to Chuck as background sound. I can’t list under “watching” because I only get to listen but I’ve seen it so many times I’m good with that.

Thinking About

We’ve got a number of appointments coming up. Francine has a surgery tomorrow; dental appointments are set for the entire family, and S has an orthopedic appointment. All in the next 8 days. So that’s pretty much taking up all my brain power. Oh, and work.

Anticipating

S has a baseball tournament this weekend. I dreamed about it, so apparently I’m anticipating that.

Wishing

For extra time in the day. Every. Single. Day.

Making Me Happy

 

Currently ...

I took pictures for a day in the life post last week, but then I never got around to posting/writing it. I’m trying to decide if I should just move on and do it today or move on or try to do a whole new one. It would be excellent if I could write AND post things I mean to do, right? In the meantime, I’m hooking up with Katy Upperman for a little Currently action.

Currently:

Loving

I’m firmly entrenched in the LuLaRoe phenomena. “I like your new dress/skirt/leggings/etc!” Thanks! It’s LulaRoe, like the rest of my current closet.

Reading

I still haven’t been able to sit still for reading, but this weekend I demolished the first two books of Red Queen and one of the short stories. So much fun.  Now I’m reading Soundless by Richelle Mead and I’ve got half a dozen ebooks from the library right now so I should get on that.

Watching

BASEBALL HALLELUJAH

Also, Big Bang Theory. I’m two seasons behind but I’m catching up quick!

Listening to

Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton on Audible. I have 34 hours left, so check back with me in two weeks; I’ll probably still be at it. It is fascinating though! I’m very bad at history and slept through every history class I ever took and I haven’t nodded off yet. Commendable.

I’m also listening to My Girl while I do some things and Thomas J is getting stung to death by bees right this very second and *weep*.

Thinking about

Everything except what I am currently trying to get done. The struggle is real, today.

Anticipating

I set up a trip to visit a wonderful friend in Kansas, and so now I’m all excited. I get to see my dear friend and we’re going to a Royals/Rays game and Woo!

Wishing

For more hours in the day. More hours in the night too; I could really use some good honest sleep.

Making Me Happy

   

Books I read: March

I have been incapable of sitting down and reading for a while now. Thank goodness for audiobooks, is what I'm saying. I didn't get a lot read in March, but I'm okay with that. The whole point of reading for fun is to be able to read for fun. When it's fun.

reread:
8. Outlander - Diane Gabaldon (audio) I loved the narrator's voice. LOVED it. However, things bothered me about the book that didn't previously when I read in print. That's the way things go sometimes when you reread though, yes?

9. Attachments - Rainbow Rowell (audio) still so fun.

new:
17. The Lake House - Kate Morton (audio) husband: so does that have Keanu Reeves in it? ha. Good book.

18. Life and Death - Stephenie Meyer This was technically better written. Better edited. And just dull.

19. 11/22/63 - Stephen King (audio) I loved this up until the end. I can't explain what I didn't like unless you've read the book and I won't spoil it here. Just. Grr. Also though, it was fantastic.

All the Light We Cannot see (audio) I didn't get to finish reading the print so I downloaded the Audible, and it's wonderful. Will finish in April.

20. When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi short and amazing, read on a plane.

21. Morning Star - Pierce Brown An amazing end to this trilogy. Really. Amazing.

Where do we go from here?

My current status is with glass of La Crema Pinot Noir and a hummus plate in an airport. I’m working on some work billing, waiting two hours for my flight to come and ferry me home. I have an audiobook on my headphones, although I’ve paused to type through this. What waits for me at home? Husband and son will be at baseball practice, younger son will be riding his scooter around the fields, I have fundraising orders to pick up and organize, dinner to make (not gonna lie, I’m thinking veggie ramen). I’m in the middle of reading or listening to five books and I stalled in the third season of The Good Wife.

I haven’t been here. I’ve been around; I’ve been reading and commenting and twittering. My Instagram is up to date (today is a timehop photo of Henry fighting the Dark Side naked! Classic!) I’ve been trolling the LulaRoe facebook groups and watching the political races with fascinated disgust. I’ve been somewhat wandering around in the dark, feeling around for a lightswitch.

Personally, I think there are some things I could use working through, but I can’t figure out how to talk through it. How to write through it, how to type through it. Words haven’t formed in my head yet. C keeps asking me if I’m okay, and … I don’t know. I think I am? I think I have hit the point where I’m ready to accept needing a therapist. That’s a big step, right? I was a psych major for a bit, and us psych majors – we have all the answers. We know all the right words to pretend everything is okay. “I know such and such isn’t my fault, I know it’s an ebb and flow sort of nonsense ….” Ad nauseum. I can fix other people’s problems. I’m a fixer. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me to fix me.

Unfortunately, I don’t think meds are the answer for me anymore. It would be nice, right? I was on meds for a long time. I still have the scripts, just in case. I have nothing against prescription meds, and I won’t hate being on them again. I stopped because even though it tempered my anxiety, it also dulled every feeling good and bad. I stopped caring.

Over the next three months, I have thirteen work trips. S has 15 baseball games and twelve practices and somehow I need to get H doing something extracurricular. Or I think I do. Do I? There's laundry and dinners and cleaning and cat litter and homework and so much actual work.

I know that my marriage has taken a backseat to the rest of our lives. I know that’s dangerous. I don’t know how to turn that around. I love my husband. I know he loves me. I know we are solid. But I also know neither of us are trying very hard right now.

I feel on the verge of crying, all the time. I find myself zoning out like it's my job. I'm feeling constantly over-emotional and yet I think I'm emoting at a level zero. I feel like I’m playing fast and loose with my life and with so many balls in the air, something is going to hit the ground. I'm lost.

I haven’t had the time for here. This has been a ball I’ve dropped. Hopefully I can find a place for my blog, but in the meantime, I’m here. I swear it. And in the meantime, I'll stop weeping in airports.