Those lists

My mind space has gotten better on the whole anxious vibrations front, but I feel like it’s hard to keep straight what I want to get done and also (more importantly) what I NEED to get done. I mentioned a couple days ago that I’ve started making lists in my calendar and I’m at the point that I don’t know how I got by without them.

If we’re being truthful in this place, the way I got by without them was that I wasn’t doing very much except laying around pretending to be a useful member of society.

But as I’m getting better, I’ve been keeping lists. I write them daily, and it’s usually a short list of what I didn’t get done the day before plus new things that have come up. I also havea post-it with things to get at the store (i.e., if “Target” is on my list, there’s a post-it to add things that I need from there). I also have a post-it of weekly more time sensitive needs that I can mark off directly from that list or if I’m having trouble getting them done, I can designate into my daily list too. The result looks like this:

(there’s usually also a post-it with work-related tasks but I removed it for the picture for obvious reasons.)

I also keep the monthly overview updated and add things as needed, with more detail on the weekly if needed.

(I DO NOT understand why that photo will not turn.)

This seems to make it so I have to rely less on my brain to keep things straight (which I was always good about in the past) and makes me more outwardly organized. I try to keep remembering, but in the event that I can’t, I don’t’ have to beat myself up about it.

I know bullet journaling works for a lot of people, but apparently I need more structure than that.

Books I read: April

reread: (none)

new: 

25. The Magicians - Lev Grossman I adored the first half of this book. The second half was just so Lion, Witch and Wardrobe-y that I had a hard time adjusting but I did enjoy it. I feel like it's a love it or hate it book though. 

26. Fire With Fire - Jenny Han (abandoned, will read again after reading first book)

27. The Magician King - Lev Grossman More with the LWW theme (Potter-ish theme gone for good) I liked this one but it was easier to put down. After I finished it I decided I need a break before starting the third so I let it return to the Overdrive shelves without cracking it.

28. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng This was so wonderful, so well written, and so absolutely heartbreaking. I felt everything each of the narrators felt, understood their misunderstandings and the reasons for things left unsaid, and felt for the characters so very much. 

29. Shadow Scale - Rachel Hartman Not nearly as good as Seraphina, but I enjoyed it. I listened to the first half and then the written copy came in and I finished it on virtual paper. I really loved the audio narrator and I'm not sure I would have liked this one as much as I did had I not listened and had her voice in my head when I read the rest (and that's not something that ever happens to me).

30. Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel Bleak. Well written, I shouldn't have read this directly after finishing the Ng one. I guess there were hopeful points but I just saw The Road meets 28 Days Later or Outbreak or something.

31. The Forgotten Girls - Sara Blaedel I had a long drive and this audiobook suited me just fine. Those Scandinavian folks love their mysteries, no? 

Things

I didn’t want to do a bullet list this close to trying to restart blogging, but there are a few things I wanted to say that didn’t have a place and I didn’t have a want for expounding.

* I stopped hormonal birth control. I didn’t actually know what it was doing to my body since I’ve been on it for so long, but I experimented and holy heck, I’m washing my hands of that whole debacle. No more added hormones for me, thankyouverymuch. I have jokes but I obviously don’t know my audience so I’ll keep those to myself.

* H has some sort of minor infection his body seems to be fighting. He has an array of symptoms and one includes a low grade fever. I’m inclined to not treat such a fever, but he also has had a headache so I’ve been treating that which then treats the fever and can your body fight off an infection without that fever? I don’t know if it’s sinus or ear, but it’s not bad enough to seek a doctor and he seems to be doing it okay on his own, but sometimes I feel that my kids’ overall lack of sickness makes me feel completely inadequate when I do have to deal with something. I just don’t know!

* Spring baseball is officially over here. It was an amazing season for Spencer – he’s grown so much. And man, he loves baseball.

* Crap, I just realized I missed breakfast and the café downstairs doesn’t serve anymore.

* It’s currently gnat season and how does one get through this without wanting to set fire to one’s home?

* I’m still mainlining Buffy and gosh, I love that show.

* How does one get through the day without a paper calendar? I just can’t live without one. I have a wall calendar and Outlook for work, and I technically have a Google calendar but that’s just not working out at all. But my paper one I can stick to – a month in view to add all the things and then a weekly to be more specific, meal plan to and any to-do lists. I then stick a post-it on the day with any grocery/store lists needed.

* My month of May is lightyears better than the last two, and I'm hoping that I can breathe. I'm also hoping I don't bog myself down with too much because of the lack of other obligations.

* I have three to-do lists today so I'm not doing to well at that yet, huh? Hold me.

Relaxation triggers and sleep crutches

Since changing my meds I have been sleeping incredibly better. I always thought my sleeping problems were sleep related, but it turns out like most other things in my life, it was anxiety related. There’s no off switch for my brain, and when my body is still it starts hitting the treadmill so that it can keep going inside. I’ve been experimenting with the meds a little to see if I can take half a pill on lower stress days or if I can get by with no pill if I’m feeling good. The answer to the latter is no, not yet. But I can do half pills sometimes so I’m working with that.

I do have a problem that I have to go to sleep within a certain time period or my anxiety ramps up again and makes it near impossible to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. I laid (lied?) awake thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to my children. Every creak of the house brought me wandering through to check windows and doors and the garage door to make sure it was secure. I thought about my fire alarms and how I’m always worried they aren’t working. I made plans to teach the kids how to get out of their window (that will backfire when they’re 16, I’m sure). I fretted and wrung hands and did not sleep. Around 2am I took the other half of my pill and put in earbuds to listen to an album I often listen to when I’m super stressed. I don’t like listening to music or white noise when I sleep because I’m already a heavy sleeper and what if I don’t wake when I need to? But it was needed, and it was exactly what I needed. A couple songs in and I finally found that peace.

I should have done it at 11pm. 12am. 1am. I should have recognized my issue before it became so much that I couldn’t get up in the morning because I was just so exhausted. But part of this is recognizing patterns, right? I’m working on that.

This album triggers my relaxation:

And it’s so beautiful.

I’m always worried about listening too much because I don’t want to need it. I don’t want to need my pills. I just want to sleep when I’m supposed to.

The kids listen to a CD to fall asleep – Jack Johnson. Whenever they hear the songs anywhere else, they recognize them as sleep songs. They don’t listen all night, just one round of the album, but it’s definitely part of the routine that makes it hard to go to sleep without it. It’s a crutch. As crutches go, it’s not a huge one. But.

Books I read: March

April’s almost passed, I should probably get moving on my books post for March, yes? I read quite a bit in March, which is surprising because it was the month from H-E-double hockey sticks, scheduling-wise. I can only chalk it up to audiobooks while I was on the road and reading in airports. Because seriously, my month was nuts.

reread:

1. Seraphina - Rachel Hartman I didn’t realize there was a sequel to this and I so loved it, so I downloaded it to listen to while on long work drives. It was wonderfully narrated and wonderful.

new:

12. Wonder - RJ Palacio This was so good. I don’t know why I didn’t read it before.

13. Ready Player One - Ernest Cline I tried to read this before but it was in print and there were all these font changes and it’s just so obnoxious so I don’t think I got through the first chapter. A+ on the ebook version though. Enjoyed.

14. Dead of Winter - Kresley Cole I thought this was going to be the last book in the series; it was not. I did not agree with a major choice in this one, but you know – fickle girl, she may change her mind in the next. Ha. Enjoyable series, unique idea.

15. The One & Only - Emily Giffin listened to the audiobook, it was … yeah, no.

16. God'll Cut You Down - John Safran This had so much potential but the writer wasn’t really much of a writer and there was a lot of quirky rambling.

17. Bone Gap - Laura Ruby I loved this. Also audiobook. Very different. YA.

18. If I Ever Get Out of Here - Eric Gansworth Hated. Hated. Audiobook. May have been the narrator but I suspect not.

19. Girl on a Train - AJ Waines So my manager bought the “wrong” Girl on a Train” book, loved it, lent it to me. I loved it. So I did not read the same one everyone else did but I recommend this one too. It was good.

20. Nothing Like Looking - Chris Van Hakes I bought this TWICE because I was having amazon issues but I didn’t mind because the author is a friend. I thought it was so good – cohesive and quirky and reminded me a lot of Yentl. Without the sacred Jewish religious training.

21. Veronica Mars 2 - Rob Thomas No one expects this to be high literature (spoiler: it’s not) but I enjoyed it because any bit of VM I can get even though I was 10 years late for the party is good for me. I even paid full price for it (high praise).

22. Solstice Day Gifts - Lindsay Buroker A little in-between book (novella?) about some of my favorite characters.

23. Patterns in the Dark - Lindsay Buroker Fourth book in the current LB series, five thumbs up.

24. Mercenary Instinct - Ruby Lancaster And then I found out that LB started a pen name for more of a sci-fi series, and even though I don’t read sci-fi I couldn’t resist. And I adored it and I bought all the others in the series but have been held up with library books so I will get back to it asap.

Present

I haven't been here.

I guess that's obvious, but also I haven't really been <I>here</I> here, either. I've been struggling on a lot of fronts and I haven't really been able to find the words to explain myself to myself. I want to write but I also want to like my writing. I feel like most posts these days are catching myself up on my life instead of living it, and then I get bogged down in the minutia of all the things I "forgot" to post about ... Oh, it's an evil circle.

So. I had a lot of really stressful things happen, I broke down a lot and I got myself some help. Right now it's medicated help, but I've also been more open to talking which is helping and I will eventually get to a therapist, I'm sure. I spent a lot of time hiding. I hid from my marriage and my children. I yelled a lot, I hated myself and what I felt like I was becoming. 

What also helped besides the medication was a vacation. I went to the blathering and spent several days with some of the best people. The best girls. The best women. I felt like the best me. Not a perfect me, but the best I can be.

I came back feeling like all I am is enough. So I've picked up and started my head over again. I've done is before, this starting again. Isn't that what we all do? Is it just me? I'm at peace with starting from here. I did some grocery shopping, meal planned for the first time since I went down that steep hill, sang with my children and played games and told jokes with them. Yelled very little. Had a meal alone with my husband. I stood on the scale and saw I gained 6.4lbs and I didn't cry. It really didn't even bother me. 

I'm me, and that's okay. I'm present. (Except now I'm late for a baseball game)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Day in the Life (not of Ivan Denisovich)

Hey, look at that, I decided to do one of these actually early in the morning instead of trying to remember the morning when I decide at 2pm! This is an average day (as far as I know while starting this), a Tuesday with no baseball and no specific plans.

5:25am I set my FitBit alarm so that I would get out of bed to take a shower because I didn’t feel like it last night. I had no intention of getting up at 5:30 in the morning, but being woken once makes it easier to actually get up with my alarm when it goes off instead of hitting the snooze four times (which is the norm; okay so this isn’t an average day! Ha!)

6:00am alarm sounds, I actually get up and turn it off and stay up, something that doesn’t often happen. I’m terrible at mornings. Shower, makeup, clothes.

6:35am Making breakfast and lunch – I’m trying to be better about my eating habits and I just finished a round of 21 Day Fix and start another one tomorrow. Today I’m eating the same things though; it’s just easier.

The kids are starting to emerge from bedrooms, so I give Henry a snuggle in my bed and talk to Spencer about the Minecraft book he’s reading. I rarely do any of the morning things for the kids – I used to make S’s lunch but my husband has even taken that over.

6:42am Leaving for work! Even a few minutes early!

6:44am back in, left my car key in the kitchen

6:45am Hey, leaving right on time!

There’s pretty bad fog but traffic isn’t bad.

7:05am Roll into work. For some reason there are four of us that really like these two specific parking spaces (I don’t know, don’t look at me like that). But! I got one of them! Only had to be 10 minutes early to get it.

7:15am start work, although I probably started a few minutes early but whatever. Answer emails, get through a couple things right away. I’m being actually quickly productive.

7:50am coffee! Coffee? I need coffee. Yes, I wait this long. No, I don’t actually NEED coffee. I like the taste. I drink it black.

 8:15am I take a minute or five to thinking about the casting for one of my favorite books, if it were ever to be made into a movie. No one fits. I talk to my favorite group of girls about some goings on and read up on blogs.

8:30am breakfast and back to work, all at the same time! (breakfast: two hardboiled eggs w/ 21DF all-purpose seasoning and a handful of raspberries)

10:00am I worked pretty steadily until meeting time. Sad I didn’t have any coffee left for it.

11:10am Back at my desk, I usually go to lunch about now but for some reason I wasn’t hungry so I got sidetracked with more work. I did fill up my water cup though, and gave a small sigh because I’m not sitting poolside in San Antonio with my gals and a pile of tortillas.

12:45p I’ve been working pretty much non-stop and I’m still really not hungry so I’ve decided to take my lunch to step away from my desk and go for a stroll at a nearby walking trail. I downloaded an audiobook for the occasion.

1:30pm I’m oddly STILL not hungry (does not happen very often) but if I don’t eat now I won’t eat until I get home and then I will scavenge for everything in the house. So. Lunch.

1:45pm no, really, lunch. (I got distracted. Far too busy today for not actually having anything on my to-do list).

Still working while I eat since I took my lunch to walk.

4:00 out of work! It was busier than I expected and the day actually flew by, which feels lovely. But I'm out and peace, yo. Audiobook back on while I drive to get the kids.

4:35pm traffic not as bad as usual, I make good time to pick up the boys from daycare. Spencer has gotten in trouble at school again, but it was a minor offense and we talk about it for a minute.

4:45pm home, Spencer starts crying because Henry opened the door on "his day". Henry starts crying because I won't immediately let him play WiiU. I have seen the future and it includes wine.

5:15pm I retreat from tantrums and to do laundry (and have a glass of wine) and the kids give up the hysteria to play out back, as it is gorgeous outside. Neighbor boy has gotten in trouble at school today which would normally mean he wasn't allowed to play but they have found a way around it- the throw a ball over the fence at each other.  Between rain and baseball this is the first time in a very long time they’ve had the chance to play outside and it’s magical.

5:45pm peel and chop turnips and throw them in the toaster oven to roast, return to the laundry.

6:15pm put sausages on the grill, heat up corn for the children, mosquito spray children, back to laundry.

 

6:45pm dinner is ready! C barks at the kids to put away the 1,871 toys they got out and we eat. Spinach and feta chicken sausages, roasted turnips, and corn for the children. Tonight Spencer actually likes the turnips, Henry cries over eating them, Henry loves the corn and sausage (and gets for another half a sausage from daddy's plate), Spencer wants catsup to make the sausage bearable and eats the corn under coercion. Not such a bad night. Minimal crying. It's not such a pretty meal. But I liked it. And no, that's not my first glass of wine.

7:15pm Spencer in the shower

7:30pm Henry in the shower, Spencer dressing and we play with an aging app that I have to delete immediately. No, you can't see my picture. He reads until teeth time.

 

7:40pm Henry out, his aging picture taken. Teeth are brushed and mild arguments had over what Spencer can or can't do with his time before bed - he wants to play Minecraft on his kindle and I said he could watch his show or read.

7:50pm they pick a tv show (Larva) and settle in. That's my teddy bear. I take this time to start a new book in the living room.

8:15pm kiddo bedtime! C does this. So much quicker.

8:25pm Henry up about something wrong with the nightlight, so I go in to fix the lights and music again. I'm pretty sure Spencer's already asleep. He doesn't last long in bed.

8:45pm Henry says he has a tummy ache. C handles this one; the getting up really gets to me. He then goes to play his video game so he can keep an eye on anyone emerging from the boys' room. I'm fading so I quit reading and head to bed. Because doing this has made me feel accountable for my actions I take the time to stop and wash my face and remember my anxiety medication. I should probably do this every day.

9:00pm usually I'd read or watch Bones or just talk to my girls online, but tonight C wants to catch up on some of our shows so we watch a little current tv. So I tuck in and try not to fall asleep while we watch Big Bang Theory which I love but man, exhausted.

9:30pm I had geared up for a second episode but I just couldn’t do it. Sleep, sweet sweet sleep.