Present

I haven't been here.

I guess that's obvious, but also I haven't really been <I>here</I> here, either. I've been struggling on a lot of fronts and I haven't really been able to find the words to explain myself to myself. I want to write but I also want to like my writing. I feel like most posts these days are catching myself up on my life instead of living it, and then I get bogged down in the minutia of all the things I "forgot" to post about ... Oh, it's an evil circle.

So. I had a lot of really stressful things happen, I broke down a lot and I got myself some help. Right now it's medicated help, but I've also been more open to talking which is helping and I will eventually get to a therapist, I'm sure. I spent a lot of time hiding. I hid from my marriage and my children. I yelled a lot, I hated myself and what I felt like I was becoming. 

What also helped besides the medication was a vacation. I went to the blathering and spent several days with some of the best people. The best girls. The best women. I felt like the best me. Not a perfect me, but the best I can be.

I came back feeling like all I am is enough. So I've picked up and started my head over again. I've done is before, this starting again. Isn't that what we all do? Is it just me? I'm at peace with starting from here. I did some grocery shopping, meal planned for the first time since I went down that steep hill, sang with my children and played games and told jokes with them. Yelled very little. Had a meal alone with my husband. I stood on the scale and saw I gained 6.4lbs and I didn't cry. It really didn't even bother me. 

I'm me, and that's okay. I'm present. (Except now I'm late for a baseball game)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad