Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

I’m not sure why, but I have been “down” lately. Not depressed, not sad really, but winter-y blues even though it’s not winter-y here. Low energy, every task feeling insurmountable. I come home and put on my pjs. I get up enough to make dinner (most of the time) but otherwise, well, there’s a lot of me not doing anything. And that’s nothing. I just finished my first book of the year, and really I’ve been reading it since Christmas.

And speaking of Christmas, it’s still been up but

YESTERDAY I finally pulled it all down and packed it all up. It was bittersweet, but S came around the corner while I was up on a ladder taking ornaments off the tree and said “you’re taking Christmas stuff down?” (sounding a little broken up about it, to be honest) and I said I was. He exclaimed “YES!” and wandered back out of the room. So. I worried that I wouldn’t be able to get it done because I tweaked my back sometime in the afternoon and it was hurting pretty bad. It was terrible by the time I finished but I powered through (I’m going to need a synonym for that phrase because I use it a lot lately) and stretched afterward and it was a-o-k. So my house is de-Christmassed! A few people told me to leave the “winter” stuff up, but the problem with that is that I can’t. I just can’t. I keep it all in the same bins, and my house would still feel cluttered and nope. So I got it all and it’s all packed up and my husband even took down the tree AND packed it up AND put it up in the attic. Done. *wipes hands of it all*

I went back to a paper calendar. I’ve tried a few things – bullet journaling, online calendars, etc etc. But I miss things or I lose my post-its or find other reasons to stop. So I’ve gone back to a paper monthly/weekly calendar to keep in the black hole of my purse, and I think it’s going to work much better.

I also managed to get a shower. It was on my to-do list. Little things, people. Little things.

TODAY I have one “task” on my to-do list – I’m trying, at least while I’m feeling this low-energy way, to put one task on my list that needs doing that I don’t really want to do. One task shouldn’t be insurmountable, right? Tonight’s is to clean out under the bathroom sinks. Every time I go under there, things fall on me, and the cupboard door is broken in my bathroom and I can’t seem to fix it. So if I clean, C should have a reason to fix it. Yes? I also have fold laundry on the list, but that would be there anyhow needing to be done so it’s not an unusual task. Folding, I don’t mind. Hanging, ugh. I hate hanging.

I might also try to get a run in, but I don’t know. I gave myself the goal of running 30 miles in 30 days, which shouldn’t be so hard but I’ve done 1 run for 2.25 miles and here we are halfway through the month. I need to get back on the wagon I just don’t know how yet.

 

TOMORROW I have no plans yet. It’s a quiet week for work; it’s actually a quiet month, which is nice because the last few months of last year were ca-razy. I have dinner planned but otherwise I’m not sure what task to put on my list or what to do with myself. Should I take a pass? Get in the pjs and hang out? Or maybe clean out one of the kitchen cabinets. S is signed up for baseball which starts on the 24^th and he wants to be better at catching by then (his hitting and throwing are pretty decent but catching is not good) so when it’s not raining I want to take him outside to practice. The problem is, I’m really terrible at catching and not great at throwing. I like to WATCH baseball. I’m leery of the rest of it.

Fits

I’m writing this for posting ahead, which is a foreign concept to me – usually I’m hopelessly behind. I’m not good at discussing a topic and pretending it happened *right then* when really it happened last week, but in this case it happened right now and I’m posting it *next week*. So bear with me. (an aside – I think the reason I’m unable to discussing something like it just happened is because I’m a chronic oversharer, so I’ve already whined about this a little on facebook, and differently on twitter, and even differently to my girls’ group.)

So anyhow, last night H had the tantrum to end all tantrums. He’s 4.5 now, and while we get whining and stomping of feet etc etc ad nauseam, we do not get full blown out tantrums. I think this fit was harder because we have had NONE in so long. This was a tantrum for a child who can’t express himself, not one who has a wide vocabulary. He’s always been a little volatile (many moons teaching deep breathing to that one) but dude. This one started over a battle of wills between him and my husband. He was stomping around and C told him to brush his teeth (in prep for a tv show; the kids always get one tv show before bed as long as we are home with reasonable time to do so). He refused three times, whining about something or other, and finally my husband had enough and told him that he wasn’t getting his show. No yelling at him, just done. Enter flip out.

I stayed out of it, as much as it hurt to listen to him scream and cry and generally get hysterical over a tv show (tv! The devil box!). He was obviously exhausted, and 20 minutes into said hysteria he brushed his teeth but the decision was already made. No show. He continued his insane hysteria for more than an hour, and in that time my husband went in there twice to talk to him and calm him down and I also went in twice, held him and tried to talk him off his ledge. The problem was, problem for him anyhow, that we weren’t giving in. It might seem like a little thing to put your line in the sand on, but this only doing things on their own terms thing … it’s gotten to be a problem. Eschewing the process that we know works best for our family – it’s gotten to be a problem. Refusing to do things for no good reason – well, you get it.

65 minutes later (and 25 minutes past bedtime, S had already been put to bed in my bed and was asleep), I checked on him again and he was laying down clutching his bear, sad and wide-eyed but calm. We talked about it and how we would try again tomorrow. He agreed.

I’m honestly proud of how we handled it. There was no yelling, very little even raising of the voice. He was outraged and scream/choke-crying and it was terrible, but we didn’t give in to his demands but we were still quite understanding about what he wanted. That ship had sailed, buddy. Calm down and try again tomorrow. I told him I loved him (he choke-cried “you … too…” It was hard – so hard. So hard to listen to him cry, so hard to not just acquiesce for the sake of peace. So hard.

This morning? Bright-eyed and bushy tailed, playing tinkertoys with his brother when I woke up.

Books I read: December

Hey look, another December post so I can finally get to January one of these days! So, my reading of 2014 is done. I fully never expect to read as much in a single year as I did this year. 155 books. ONE HUNDRED FIFTY FIVE BOOKS. What's interesting to me is that at the end of 2013, I was completely burned out by reading, and I wanted to go back to rereading my favorites. To "give myself an out" and read things I knew I'd love. Well, it turns out that philosophy had me reading three new books more than 2013, plus 56 books I had read before. I read whole series again, reread first parts of series before continuings, etc etc etc. I loved it. I will continue this philosophy, really. Read what I want. Brilliant.

reread

56. Matched - Ally Condie

new

91. Shift - Hugh Howley also liked, althought I liked Wool better.

92. One Plus One - Jojo Moyes Not as compelling as Me Before You. But good.

93 Blue Lily, Lily Blue - Maggie Stiefvater Too much! Too little space! I loved it but just so much happened and yet not enough happened.

94. Dead To Me - Cath Staincliffe Perfectly serviceable British detective novel. I think I’d like the ongoing series better than the first one when the characters are just settling in.

95. Between the Lines - Jodi Picoult & Samantha van Leer Oh, this was darling.

96. The Impossible Knife of Memory - Laurie Halse Anderson I did not go into this expecting to like it much, but I loved it.

The Transfer (short story) - Veronica Roth Cute is not exactly how I’d characterize this, but … cute. (note - 40 pages, so I didn't note as a full read.)

97. Crossed - Ally Condie I was reminded somehow that I read the first of these and then never went back to the rest of the series. Really, I loved it. All of them, I thought the crossing of storylines was excellent.

98. Reached - Ally Condie see above

99. How to Build a Girl - Caitlin Moran I am a little of a prude about books, and at times I was embarrassed to be reading this. But it was really well written and I loved the tone. It was just interesting in the best way.

Year in Review

Before I move on to 2015, it’s only fitting that I say a proper goodbye to 2014. It was a mixed bag, if I’m being honest, but a lot of it was so very good. So very good.

(This was dinner NYE: filet stacked on creamed spinach on top of garlic mashed potatoes. To say it was good was an understatement.)

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
Visited Colorado. Organized and executed a girls’ trip to San Antonio, TX with some of the best girls ever.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I looked back, and it appears I never made any. SUCCESS! I try to keep to loose “I should try…” resolutions, and if they hold up, I’m happy, and if they don’t, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A couple old friends gave birth to boys (both having girls in the two-year variety), and it was happy times.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The brother of a close friend, who I would also consider my brother, took his own life. A weekish later my aunt passed in her home alone which is a terrible way to go.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just good ole ‘Merica, unless you count all the countries at the Epcot Food & Wine Festival. There are a lot of very delicious countries.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
More confidence and compassion for myself.

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I’m not good with dates. All the days.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I can’t think of any big achievements. Survival was the name of the game.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I worked hard to keep my anxiety under control and I often failed quite spectactularly. I didn’t feel I was a great parent a lot of the time (especially with Spencer), often because of my anxiety issues.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a dresser for the boys. I wanted that so bad, it was pivotal to the bedroom redo (and dealing with wrinkles)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Marianne was amazing – Hugo is still on my happy wall.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The general intolerance of the internet.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, the kids. Some on real travel. (three trips! I took three trips this year!!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trips.

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Does anyone say anything other than Shake It Up? Henry loved it until his brother scorned him for it, which I might not forgive. Can I hold a grudge against a six year old that I spawned? Anyhow, also a lot of Christmas songs because the kids are still singing them constantly. And Let It Go. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a. I cannot remember my state of mind at the beginning of last year. I think I’m happier. Hopefully more at peace, anyhow.

b. Likewise, I cannot think of what size I was but I think I’m thinner.

c. About the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sit. Play. Watch tv (I know! But I so rarely do it!)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Yell. Argue with children. Not listen.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Oh! I should have done this before Christmas! No matter, the same way as all Christmasses these days. Lovely Christmas.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Gilmore Girls. Yep yep.

24. What was the best book you read?
Oh my. I can’t say best, but I had some favorites: Book of Life (Deborah Harkness), Dreams of Gods & Monsters (Laini Taylor), the Magic series by Ilona Andrews, The Sky is Everywhere (Jandy Nelson) and several more, I’m sure.

25. What did you want and get?
a bottle of The Botanist gin.

26. What did you want and not get?
World Peace.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
I loved Mockingjay Pt 1. I’m struggling to remember what else I saw – Gone Girl, Big Hero 6, Into the Woods, Maleficent. I feel sure I’ve seen something else but I don’t know.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 34. We went to dinner with family.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I can’t think of anything.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
clothes. Purple shoes.

31. What kept you sane?
my pocket friends, especially Dawn, Sara, Sarah, Erin and Mel.

32. Who was the best new person you met?
I met a lot of great people, but I have to say Dawn. I met her in person and it’s just the best. She's my spirit animal.

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.There are “friends” and then there are FRIENDS. I’m so lucky to have FRIENDS.

It only took two weeks to move on! Oh, except books - I haven't done my December books post. Goodness! Two weeks and everything goes to hell!

A Before and After

I took a week off (closer to 10 days) work, but I didn't go anywhere. My goal was a lofty one though: I wanted to redo the boys' room. When we moved in nearly 7 years ago, Spencer was 4 months old. We painted baby blue and white and brown stripes, and it was our nursery. Henry was born when Spencer was exactly 2.5 yrs old, and so it still was a nursery - I added a bit of bright green throughout the room and in the closet and kept the sweet stripes.

I don't have babies anymore (weep). It was time.

This is what the room looked like when Henry was born:

  

And then a year later we added the bunk beds:



But honestly, this was what it looked like most of the time (taken right before I emptied the room out):

So goodbye, stripes:

And this is how it looks now:

Christmas Eve & Day

I worked for a short time on Christmas Eve, but after that I was going to be off for awhile so I didn’t mind so much. Daycare was open until noon, so I grabbed the kids after work and we spent the day hanging out and they played with the neighbor boy some. We really wanted Thai food, but apparently nobody stays open for Christmas Eve so we had Lee Roy Selmon’s because I got an email for $5 nachos (hear that? Occasionally the barrage of emails works! No one tell anyone). They were having a great happy hour so I had strawberry basil martinis and nachos and soft pretzel sticks … it was an acceptable menu change (although I still haven’t had Thai food, bah). 

 

Afterward we did the traditional drive around looking at Christmas lights and drinking hot chocolate in pjs. It had stormed and there were very few lights on, but we found one good neighborhood and called it a night.

I took a pitiful amount of photos all of Christmas, but here’s the tree after santa came, and stockings:

 

And Henry really loves Philbin (it’s definitely his stuffed animal of choice now)

And great minds think alike for Christmas gifts:

And we also got gorgeous glasses to drink said drinks out of:

(This photo actually from New Year's Eve)

And we had a lovely Christmas breakfast on my beautiful table, and another lovely meal later at my in-laws’ house. It was a wonderful time.

Thankful. For you.

It’s been 12 days since I sat down and wrote at this blog, and while I want to go back and cover how great Christmas was, and new year’s (especially dinner, yum!) I just wanted to take a moment right her to say how much I appreciate the people who care about me. I have a great family, I have a few local friends but my internet people are just so much the ones who get me. I don’t think that I could get through much of this last year without them, and I’m so glad to know so many wonderful people.

I caught my husband staring at my wall of Christmas cards, and he said “you know, before you take these down, you need to tell me who all of these people are.” And I will, because I hope that one day he knows you too. No one gets me more, beyond him, than you.