Currently

I'm in for a dose of Currently with Katy Upperman!

Loving

This comes with a story. For my birthday, or Christmas, or some such holiday a couple years ago, I asked my husband for a pink wallet. I really wanted a pink wallet. He ordered me a beautiful leather wallet … but since he ordered it, he *thought* it was pink (or a salmon, I suppose) via the computer monitor, but it was red. Red. Very red. It was a very nice wallet otherwise and I used it with gusto, but I never stopped wanting my pink wallet.

Anyhow, two weekends ago I went to Macy’s to try to use up some store credit and found a lovely pink wallet and they were doing this ludicrous thing (ludicrous, Macy’s, really) where you could “preorder” your purchases utilizing a 25% friends and family coupon but then they had to keep your purchases for a week. So I bought it and went back Saturday to pick it up and it’s so pretty. I love my wallet. I would have also loved to have taken it home with me a week ago, but whatever.

Reading

I’m reading Alif the Unseen right now, which I get but also I don’t get. It’s set in the Middle East, and very interesting but some just goes straight over my head. I’m engrossed though.

Also the Hamiltome. So fascinating.

Watching

The answer to this is always baseball.

Listening to

The Chernow biography, still. I love it but I might be listening for the rest of my natural life. 20 hours and 42 minutes left. Chapter 19 of 44.

Also listening to Chuck as background sound. I can’t list under “watching” because I only get to listen but I’ve seen it so many times I’m good with that.

Thinking About

We’ve got a number of appointments coming up. Francine has a surgery tomorrow; dental appointments are set for the entire family, and S has an orthopedic appointment. All in the next 8 days. So that’s pretty much taking up all my brain power. Oh, and work.

Anticipating

S has a baseball tournament this weekend. I dreamed about it, so apparently I’m anticipating that.

Wishing

For extra time in the day. Every. Single. Day.

Making Me Happy

 

Currently ...

I took pictures for a day in the life post last week, but then I never got around to posting/writing it. I’m trying to decide if I should just move on and do it today or move on or try to do a whole new one. It would be excellent if I could write AND post things I mean to do, right? In the meantime, I’m hooking up with Katy Upperman for a little Currently action.

Currently:

Loving

I’m firmly entrenched in the LuLaRoe phenomena. “I like your new dress/skirt/leggings/etc!” Thanks! It’s LulaRoe, like the rest of my current closet.

Reading

I still haven’t been able to sit still for reading, but this weekend I demolished the first two books of Red Queen and one of the short stories. So much fun.  Now I’m reading Soundless by Richelle Mead and I’ve got half a dozen ebooks from the library right now so I should get on that.

Watching

BASEBALL HALLELUJAH

Also, Big Bang Theory. I’m two seasons behind but I’m catching up quick!

Listening to

Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton on Audible. I have 34 hours left, so check back with me in two weeks; I’ll probably still be at it. It is fascinating though! I’m very bad at history and slept through every history class I ever took and I haven’t nodded off yet. Commendable.

I’m also listening to My Girl while I do some things and Thomas J is getting stung to death by bees right this very second and *weep*.

Thinking about

Everything except what I am currently trying to get done. The struggle is real, today.

Anticipating

I set up a trip to visit a wonderful friend in Kansas, and so now I’m all excited. I get to see my dear friend and we’re going to a Royals/Rays game and Woo!

Wishing

For more hours in the day. More hours in the night too; I could really use some good honest sleep.

Making Me Happy

   

Books I read: March

I have been incapable of sitting down and reading for a while now. Thank goodness for audiobooks, is what I'm saying. I didn't get a lot read in March, but I'm okay with that. The whole point of reading for fun is to be able to read for fun. When it's fun.

reread:
8. Outlander - Diane Gabaldon (audio) I loved the narrator's voice. LOVED it. However, things bothered me about the book that didn't previously when I read in print. That's the way things go sometimes when you reread though, yes?

9. Attachments - Rainbow Rowell (audio) still so fun.

new:
17. The Lake House - Kate Morton (audio) husband: so does that have Keanu Reeves in it? ha. Good book.

18. Life and Death - Stephenie Meyer This was technically better written. Better edited. And just dull.

19. 11/22/63 - Stephen King (audio) I loved this up until the end. I can't explain what I didn't like unless you've read the book and I won't spoil it here. Just. Grr. Also though, it was fantastic.

All the Light We Cannot see (audio) I didn't get to finish reading the print so I downloaded the Audible, and it's wonderful. Will finish in April.

20. When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi short and amazing, read on a plane.

21. Morning Star - Pierce Brown An amazing end to this trilogy. Really. Amazing.

Where do we go from here?

My current status is with glass of La Crema Pinot Noir and a hummus plate in an airport. I’m working on some work billing, waiting two hours for my flight to come and ferry me home. I have an audiobook on my headphones, although I’ve paused to type through this. What waits for me at home? Husband and son will be at baseball practice, younger son will be riding his scooter around the fields, I have fundraising orders to pick up and organize, dinner to make (not gonna lie, I’m thinking veggie ramen). I’m in the middle of reading or listening to five books and I stalled in the third season of The Good Wife.

I haven’t been here. I’ve been around; I’ve been reading and commenting and twittering. My Instagram is up to date (today is a timehop photo of Henry fighting the Dark Side naked! Classic!) I’ve been trolling the LulaRoe facebook groups and watching the political races with fascinated disgust. I’ve been somewhat wandering around in the dark, feeling around for a lightswitch.

Personally, I think there are some things I could use working through, but I can’t figure out how to talk through it. How to write through it, how to type through it. Words haven’t formed in my head yet. C keeps asking me if I’m okay, and … I don’t know. I think I am? I think I have hit the point where I’m ready to accept needing a therapist. That’s a big step, right? I was a psych major for a bit, and us psych majors – we have all the answers. We know all the right words to pretend everything is okay. “I know such and such isn’t my fault, I know it’s an ebb and flow sort of nonsense ….” Ad nauseum. I can fix other people’s problems. I’m a fixer. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me to fix me.

Unfortunately, I don’t think meds are the answer for me anymore. It would be nice, right? I was on meds for a long time. I still have the scripts, just in case. I have nothing against prescription meds, and I won’t hate being on them again. I stopped because even though it tempered my anxiety, it also dulled every feeling good and bad. I stopped caring.

Over the next three months, I have thirteen work trips. S has 15 baseball games and twelve practices and somehow I need to get H doing something extracurricular. Or I think I do. Do I? There's laundry and dinners and cleaning and cat litter and homework and so much actual work.

I know that my marriage has taken a backseat to the rest of our lives. I know that’s dangerous. I don’t know how to turn that around. I love my husband. I know he loves me. I know we are solid. But I also know neither of us are trying very hard right now.

I feel on the verge of crying, all the time. I find myself zoning out like it's my job. I'm feeling constantly over-emotional and yet I think I'm emoting at a level zero. I feel like I’m playing fast and loose with my life and with so many balls in the air, something is going to hit the ground. I'm lost.

I haven’t had the time for here. This has been a ball I’ve dropped. Hopefully I can find a place for my blog, but in the meantime, I’m here. I swear it. And in the meantime, I'll stop weeping in airports.

                

Books I read: February 2016

This was a weird month for reading for me. I had a hard time settling down with words on the page ans spent a lot of time watching The Good Wife and Fuller House and other such nonsense, but I listened to a lot of audiobooks. I have an influx of good books waiting for me on Overdrive that I need to get to, lest I have to wait 10 months to see them again though.

reread:

4. Shiver - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

5. Linger - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

6. Forever - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

7. Sinner - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

New:

(finished The Goldfinch - audio) BLAH.

 10. Manners & Mutiny - Gail Carriger Oh, cute fun. I love these books.

11. Shattered Past - Lindsay Buroker I feel like my wonderful Lindsay is getting a little formulaic in her "rough but earnest misunderstood male lead falls for the difficult woman and vice versa" thing she's been doing, but I still love her and will still read anything she writes. I just hope she gets back to the magic that kept us reading for 6 books before there was even a kiss. We don't need romance all the time, I swear it.

12. Wolves (Bring the Fire I) - C Gockel OOOOkay. I didn't realize "Loki series" meant Thor and Loki fanfic, and that's not what I signed on for. DNF.

3. 99 Days - Katie Cotugno I did not read the other book, I saw this in Target and thought it looked cute, didn't realize there was more to the story. I thought it mostly stood on its own though, and I liked it.

14. Court of Fives - Kate Elliott (audio) I loved this.

15. Black Wolves - Kate Elliott I'm having the devil of a time getting into this book, which is so strange to me because I have devoured her other books as easy, fun interesting candy. This one is more disjointed and I can't see to follow it. Will hope to finish in March though. I'm hoping to get sucked in late (I stopped to read All the Light bc of Overdrive expiration deadlines)

16. All the Light We Cannot See - Anthony Doerr I'm enjoying this but I'm not reading fast enough which is giving me anxiety because I had this on request since MAY 2015. It is beautiful though, I just need to dedicate myself to my craft of reading with more purpose. I'll finish in March.

photo friday

It’s been a busy week between work and home and baseball practice so I’m feeling far behind on life these days. I was invited to a friend’s house Thursday night and I didn’t even realize I didn’t confirm I couldn’t go until 20 minutes after I should have been there and I still haven’t made my apologies and I feel wretched about it (that’s next after I grind this out) (it’s not as bad as all that, it was for an essential oils class/party, but I feel bad about not giving her a firm yes or no, and I did want to see her)

So. Anyhow, here’s a few pictures that make up my week.

lunch with the birthday boy.

birthday cupcakes at the ball field

new bike

birthday time at the local arcade

hide and seek - can you find S's friend?

dress up is still a favorite activities

Francine cleaning my plate.

Okay, it's Florida and it's not snowing but shoot, COLD.

Target Valentines FTW.

What I read: January 2016

I meant to get this up on the first, as I'd like to get these up on every first, but man, life happens. Today was my due date, eight years ago. We went to a Superbowl party. Spencer stayed put.

Here's what I read in January:

 reread:
1. The Raven Boys - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)
2. The Dream Thieves - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)
3. Blue Lily, Lily Blue - Maggie Stiefvater (audio)

new:
1. Soulblade - Lindsay Buroker 
2. Fates and Furies - Lauren Groff (audio)
3. Kitchens of the Great Midwest - J. Ryan Stradal 
4. Bridge to Terabithia - Katherine Patterson 
5. Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty 
6. Six of Crows - Leigh Barduga
7. Simon and the Homo Sapien Agenda - Becky Albertalli
8. Case Histories - Kate Atkinson (expired before I got too interested, but I was a good 80 pages in. I'll try again)
9. The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt (audio) (still listening to in February, 32 hours is a lot of hours)

It was a good month for audiobooks, apparently. Good month. Good books.