Hiatus

I've started and stopped a bunch of times trying to get posts up here, and I think that for now I'm just not in that place. Things are well, and you can find me on twitter and instagram and facebook (just comment if you need my user name) and I'd love to keep up but I just can't keep up here right now. I'm at peace with that, and I'll be back. Just not right now.

Much love.

Who needs a good Friday meme?

I meant to do this one earlier this week (I got via mamabub) but then there was work and life and tacos and it didn’t get done. You’re heartbroken, right? So today. What’s with today, today?  Let’s do this thing.

What we’re eating this week: I stuck pretty well to the meal plan this week until yesterday. We had cod with a tomato miso sauce over farro (I always forget how much I love farro until I’m eating it and man, that stuff is THE stuff), spinach feta chicken sausage with polenta cakes and green beans, a dinner w friends (she made meatloaf and garlic red potatoes and homemade rolls and I supplied a Trader Joe’s lemon tart), and by Thursday I was on an “everything annoys the crap out of me” kick so we went for $2 tacos and $4 wine and I was a happy kitten. Tonight I’m doing a “low country shrimp boil” but my kids will only eat the shrimp so I’ll throw a couple potatoes in for C and I and call it a day.

What I’m reminiscing about: Today on Timehop it reminded me that exactly a year ago was when C and I went to NYC and I spent most of a day with Sarah and a late night dinner with her lovely husband.

What I’m loving: Coffee. Lots and lots and lots of coffee. Not even as an “I’m so tired, give me all the coffee” way but more in a perky “hey! I’m out of coffee! Better make more!” way.

What we’ve been up to: Baseball is always on tv, Hockey is always on the other tv, there is swimming and having a good time and I think I’m picking up water balloons at the store today. All things are good.

What I’m dreading: I’m at a paralyzing moment with work right now I know I need to dig in but there’s just so much that I’m having trouble deciding what to do first. All will get done, I know, I just have to dig in.

What I’m working on: I’m mostly working on me these days. I lost my temper yesterday which hasn’t happened to that extent in a while but man. Need to rein that back in. I’m working on being a productive member of society and family and not hiding from life. It’s actually kind of fun to participate in things!

What I’m excited about: In the immediate future, I’m excited that it’s Friday and I get to go home and fill the splash pool and having a good time with my family. In the after-today future, I’m excited that in 49 days I’m going to NYC with some of my favorite people. I think about this daily.

What I’m watching/reading: I’m marathoning Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I’m almost done with (sad pout), and I *was* reading The Rosie Project but the ebook expired before I had a chance to finish (also sad pout)  but I have a couple of Kiera Cass novellas on my iPad and the latest Richelle Mead and I’ve borrowed The Girl on the Train from a friend at work, so I’m set. Might start Veronica Mars again after Buffy. Can’t seem to be bothered watching anything new.

What I’m listening to: yesterday I was listening to the worst audiobook I’ve ever heard and I made the very grown up decision to ditch it. So now I’m listening to Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen. Also a lot of 80s music.

What I’m wearing: Today? This.

Give me 9 hours and I’ll be in pjs on my back porch though.

What I’m doing this weekend: I can only give you what I HOPE to be doing. Saturday we wanted to a family day at Disney since it’s been so long since we’ve gone because of baseball. I’d really like to spend all day there, really enjoying ourselves. Sunday is Mother’s day, and I have asked to see if we can spend it at my in-laws’ house swimming and hanging out with sangria and chicken tacos and my mom too, but we’ll see. That involves not last-minute calling them and I don’t know if it will work out.

What I’m looking forward to next month: NYC with some of my best girls! Hopefully a day at the beach with more of my best girls! The end of first grade! (God Bless) A currently not-full calendar! Yay!

Those lists

My mind space has gotten better on the whole anxious vibrations front, but I feel like it’s hard to keep straight what I want to get done and also (more importantly) what I NEED to get done. I mentioned a couple days ago that I’ve started making lists in my calendar and I’m at the point that I don’t know how I got by without them.

If we’re being truthful in this place, the way I got by without them was that I wasn’t doing very much except laying around pretending to be a useful member of society.

But as I’m getting better, I’ve been keeping lists. I write them daily, and it’s usually a short list of what I didn’t get done the day before plus new things that have come up. I also havea post-it with things to get at the store (i.e., if “Target” is on my list, there’s a post-it to add things that I need from there). I also have a post-it of weekly more time sensitive needs that I can mark off directly from that list or if I’m having trouble getting them done, I can designate into my daily list too. The result looks like this:

(there’s usually also a post-it with work-related tasks but I removed it for the picture for obvious reasons.)

I also keep the monthly overview updated and add things as needed, with more detail on the weekly if needed.

(I DO NOT understand why that photo will not turn.)

This seems to make it so I have to rely less on my brain to keep things straight (which I was always good about in the past) and makes me more outwardly organized. I try to keep remembering, but in the event that I can’t, I don’t’ have to beat myself up about it.

I know bullet journaling works for a lot of people, but apparently I need more structure than that.

Books I read: April

reread: (none)

new: 

25. The Magicians - Lev Grossman I adored the first half of this book. The second half was just so Lion, Witch and Wardrobe-y that I had a hard time adjusting but I did enjoy it. I feel like it's a love it or hate it book though. 

26. Fire With Fire - Jenny Han (abandoned, will read again after reading first book)

27. The Magician King - Lev Grossman More with the LWW theme (Potter-ish theme gone for good) I liked this one but it was easier to put down. After I finished it I decided I need a break before starting the third so I let it return to the Overdrive shelves without cracking it.

28. Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng This was so wonderful, so well written, and so absolutely heartbreaking. I felt everything each of the narrators felt, understood their misunderstandings and the reasons for things left unsaid, and felt for the characters so very much. 

29. Shadow Scale - Rachel Hartman Not nearly as good as Seraphina, but I enjoyed it. I listened to the first half and then the written copy came in and I finished it on virtual paper. I really loved the audio narrator and I'm not sure I would have liked this one as much as I did had I not listened and had her voice in my head when I read the rest (and that's not something that ever happens to me).

30. Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel Bleak. Well written, I shouldn't have read this directly after finishing the Ng one. I guess there were hopeful points but I just saw The Road meets 28 Days Later or Outbreak or something.

31. The Forgotten Girls - Sara Blaedel I had a long drive and this audiobook suited me just fine. Those Scandinavian folks love their mysteries, no? 

Things

I didn’t want to do a bullet list this close to trying to restart blogging, but there are a few things I wanted to say that didn’t have a place and I didn’t have a want for expounding.

* I stopped hormonal birth control. I didn’t actually know what it was doing to my body since I’ve been on it for so long, but I experimented and holy heck, I’m washing my hands of that whole debacle. No more added hormones for me, thankyouverymuch. I have jokes but I obviously don’t know my audience so I’ll keep those to myself.

* H has some sort of minor infection his body seems to be fighting. He has an array of symptoms and one includes a low grade fever. I’m inclined to not treat such a fever, but he also has had a headache so I’ve been treating that which then treats the fever and can your body fight off an infection without that fever? I don’t know if it’s sinus or ear, but it’s not bad enough to seek a doctor and he seems to be doing it okay on his own, but sometimes I feel that my kids’ overall lack of sickness makes me feel completely inadequate when I do have to deal with something. I just don’t know!

* Spring baseball is officially over here. It was an amazing season for Spencer – he’s grown so much. And man, he loves baseball.

* Crap, I just realized I missed breakfast and the café downstairs doesn’t serve anymore.

* It’s currently gnat season and how does one get through this without wanting to set fire to one’s home?

* I’m still mainlining Buffy and gosh, I love that show.

* How does one get through the day without a paper calendar? I just can’t live without one. I have a wall calendar and Outlook for work, and I technically have a Google calendar but that’s just not working out at all. But my paper one I can stick to – a month in view to add all the things and then a weekly to be more specific, meal plan to and any to-do lists. I then stick a post-it on the day with any grocery/store lists needed.

* My month of May is lightyears better than the last two, and I'm hoping that I can breathe. I'm also hoping I don't bog myself down with too much because of the lack of other obligations.

* I have three to-do lists today so I'm not doing to well at that yet, huh? Hold me.

Relaxation triggers and sleep crutches

Since changing my meds I have been sleeping incredibly better. I always thought my sleeping problems were sleep related, but it turns out like most other things in my life, it was anxiety related. There’s no off switch for my brain, and when my body is still it starts hitting the treadmill so that it can keep going inside. I’ve been experimenting with the meds a little to see if I can take half a pill on lower stress days or if I can get by with no pill if I’m feeling good. The answer to the latter is no, not yet. But I can do half pills sometimes so I’m working with that.

I do have a problem that I have to go to sleep within a certain time period or my anxiety ramps up again and makes it near impossible to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. I laid (lied?) awake thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to my children. Every creak of the house brought me wandering through to check windows and doors and the garage door to make sure it was secure. I thought about my fire alarms and how I’m always worried they aren’t working. I made plans to teach the kids how to get out of their window (that will backfire when they’re 16, I’m sure). I fretted and wrung hands and did not sleep. Around 2am I took the other half of my pill and put in earbuds to listen to an album I often listen to when I’m super stressed. I don’t like listening to music or white noise when I sleep because I’m already a heavy sleeper and what if I don’t wake when I need to? But it was needed, and it was exactly what I needed. A couple songs in and I finally found that peace.

I should have done it at 11pm. 12am. 1am. I should have recognized my issue before it became so much that I couldn’t get up in the morning because I was just so exhausted. But part of this is recognizing patterns, right? I’m working on that.

This album triggers my relaxation:

And it’s so beautiful.

I’m always worried about listening too much because I don’t want to need it. I don’t want to need my pills. I just want to sleep when I’m supposed to.

The kids listen to a CD to fall asleep – Jack Johnson. Whenever they hear the songs anywhere else, they recognize them as sleep songs. They don’t listen all night, just one round of the album, but it’s definitely part of the routine that makes it hard to go to sleep without it. It’s a crutch. As crutches go, it’s not a huge one. But.

Books I read: March

April’s almost passed, I should probably get moving on my books post for March, yes? I read quite a bit in March, which is surprising because it was the month from H-E-double hockey sticks, scheduling-wise. I can only chalk it up to audiobooks while I was on the road and reading in airports. Because seriously, my month was nuts.

reread:

1. Seraphina - Rachel Hartman I didn’t realize there was a sequel to this and I so loved it, so I downloaded it to listen to while on long work drives. It was wonderfully narrated and wonderful.

new:

12. Wonder - RJ Palacio This was so good. I don’t know why I didn’t read it before.

13. Ready Player One - Ernest Cline I tried to read this before but it was in print and there were all these font changes and it’s just so obnoxious so I don’t think I got through the first chapter. A+ on the ebook version though. Enjoyed.

14. Dead of Winter - Kresley Cole I thought this was going to be the last book in the series; it was not. I did not agree with a major choice in this one, but you know – fickle girl, she may change her mind in the next. Ha. Enjoyable series, unique idea.

15. The One & Only - Emily Giffin listened to the audiobook, it was … yeah, no.

16. God'll Cut You Down - John Safran This had so much potential but the writer wasn’t really much of a writer and there was a lot of quirky rambling.

17. Bone Gap - Laura Ruby I loved this. Also audiobook. Very different. YA.

18. If I Ever Get Out of Here - Eric Gansworth Hated. Hated. Audiobook. May have been the narrator but I suspect not.

19. Girl on a Train - AJ Waines So my manager bought the “wrong” Girl on a Train” book, loved it, lent it to me. I loved it. So I did not read the same one everyone else did but I recommend this one too. It was good.

20. Nothing Like Looking - Chris Van Hakes I bought this TWICE because I was having amazon issues but I didn’t mind because the author is a friend. I thought it was so good – cohesive and quirky and reminded me a lot of Yentl. Without the sacred Jewish religious training.

21. Veronica Mars 2 - Rob Thomas No one expects this to be high literature (spoiler: it’s not) but I enjoyed it because any bit of VM I can get even though I was 10 years late for the party is good for me. I even paid full price for it (high praise).

22. Solstice Day Gifts - Lindsay Buroker A little in-between book (novella?) about some of my favorite characters.

23. Patterns in the Dark - Lindsay Buroker Fourth book in the current LB series, five thumbs up.

24. Mercenary Instinct - Ruby Lancaster And then I found out that LB started a pen name for more of a sci-fi series, and even though I don’t read sci-fi I couldn’t resist. And I adored it and I bought all the others in the series but have been held up with library books so I will get back to it asap.