Desperate feet

**warning, this is kind of gross. Okay, really gross. I apologize. I do also note that as I am a mess, this really shouldn't surprise anyone.

Ever since my disastrous pedicure I've been having problems with my toenails. I've always had kind of nasty feet; my eczema flares up weekly and I'm prone to ingrown toenails if I don't keep my nails cut down and I have very deep nail beds. Not the feet of which a foot fetisher dreams. I can usually keep them tidy, if not pretty, but things have not been good since September.

First, I took off the polish in November (I don't have time for many pedicures) and noticed the inside of one of my big toenails was a little discolored. I thought at first that she didn't do a good bottom coat (red polish, needs a good undercoat or your nails go yellow) so I cleaned them up really well.

Turns out, I think it's a fungus. It's not terrible, and it's growing out, hasn't turned my nail hard or yellow or thick, so I thought I was okay to not visit a podiatrist and deal with it myself.

Then a couple days ago I noticed the middle toenail on my other foot was a little rough at the nail bed. I didn't actually notice it right away, but then when I looked at it I noticed that my nail was FALLING OFF. It had already detached from the nail bed and was holding on by the nerves under my nail, but oddly didn't hurt. The hubby (after making some strangled noises about how disgusting it was), but a band aid on so it wouldn't rip off.

Monday night I took off my boots and felt it loose in my sock. Oddly, I have such deep nailbeds that it really doesn't look like I lost a nail - however, I'm pretty sure there will be no polish until it regrows.

So anything more happens to my poor tootsies and I'm booking an appointment with my local foot doctor before whole appendages just rot and fall off.

Please pray for my mom. I might explain later but for now I need a time out from everything.

An ice cold mess

I get a lot of compliments, mostly on Facebook, about how together I have things and how amazing it is that I can get my house cleaned and cook a full meal and take the kids with me for grocery shopping and for constant trips to Target and the library, and while I appreciate the compliments (really, I truly do … when else would someone call you a supermom on a regular basis? Not at home, that’s for sure) … most times it’s just not true.

Yes, I cook almost every night. I cook real food, and it’s (usually) not out of a box and (usually) not premade and frozen (although sometimes it is and I don’t feel bad about that or think that anyone who does go out of the box or premade should feel bad about that either – it’s all about priorities). Yes, I generally have a clean house (although generally no clean bottles because I HATE TO CLEAN THEM). I brave stores with the kids because a) Spencer has always, ALWAYS, been better in public so it’s really a joy to shop with him, as long as I let him wander through the toy aisle and push the buttons on some of the displays) and b) I can’t stand to be cooped up in the house, so I do what I have to do.

But the truth is, most times I feel like a mess. Right now when the high is 48 degrees I feel like an ice cold mess, but a mess all the same. I clean because the clutter drives me crazy and not because I enjoy it. I like a clean house, and I’ll kill myself making it stay that way. I can’t let go yet and go with the disaster.

I cook because it’s the one thing I think I do well, and it’s the one thing I get appreciated for on a regular basis. My husband’s last day before the layoff is Friday, and the other day we were sitting at the table eating (chicken chili, I think) and we had this conversation:

C: So … when I’m jobless do you want me to take over the cooking?

Me: Do you want to do the cooking?

C: Well, I can do it but it’s not going to be like this. (he waves his fork at his meal) This (waves) always looks restaurant quality. If I cook it won’t look like this (waves) and it definitely won’t taste like this (waves).

Me: Well, do you want to cook?

C: Not really. But if you want me to, I will.

BTW, he can't really cook.

Lately the stress of everything has been getting to me, and when that happens I tend to shut down. You can’t shut down properly when you have a toddler, even if you very sweetly ask Sprout On Demand to babysit for awhile. Sunday was one of those days where I just couldn’t function. The kids were sick, I was annoyed, it was cold and rainy and angry outside and I was cold and irritable inside. Spencer was sick but wouldn’t sit and just be sick and I was afraid of him infecting the whole house so I kept getting irrationally upset that he was using different seats and running around and I was worried snot would be on all his toys so I would have to clean them all … I was a mess. I tried watching a Lifetime Christmas movie because those help my mood and Spencer just wouldn’t let me alone despite being bribed with Barney and Caillou and Dora, and the hubby had gone to his parents to fix a computer problem for them which ended up taking hours because they had this and that and another thing... Then I started dinner and he wanted to help (sickie sickie sickie) so I let him stand next to me and not over the chicken and he FELL OFF THE DAMN CHAIR. All he was doing was standing there on his little chair that he brings over to help, and he fell and busted his lip on the counter and hit the floor. Just one more thing, seriously. He was fine except a tiny bit of blood, but I swear, I feel like my world is crashing in on me sometimes.

Monday morning he came in and I told him to go potty and he told me he didn’t know how, and I lost it. I smacked his butt, picked him up and deposited him in the bathroom and my husband came in to finish up with him so I could go bury myself in the covers and pout for a bit before I had to get up and go to work. My parenting skills have gone out the window and I’ve been deferring to my husband to deal with the kids so I don’t have a nervous breakdown, but then I feel bad about leaving things to him when I’m the mom and I think that I should be doing all that parenting as well.

My hair is falling out at an alarming rate (however, a plus is that it seems to not be so frizzy, but that could just be because I'm going bald). I'm worried that I'm drinking too much (only a glass or two, but I think four-five nights a week is probably not a good thing. I'm not French). I've gained weight instead of lost it because I'm a stress eater and I'M ALWAYS HUNGRY.

Someone, please take over – I need a vacation.

touchy-feely

I am not big on online shopping.

In this day and age, I know that's hard to fathom, but I really like to touch my purchases, to weigh them (literally) in my hands and decide if it's really the item I want to get. I will occasionally order online if I've already found what I want, messed with it in a store, and then ordered it for a better price after the fact.

But then there was this ring by vintageandglam:


Which I fell in love with and wanted for my own. And even though it was only $9 (with free shipping!!!), I couldn't justify buying it for myself until I found this beautiful ring to get for my husband's cousin:

So then I needed to do some more shopping. Enter this necklace by The Chartreuse Room for my MIL:


And then this necklace by jjbinx for my mother:

And I thought I was done.

Then I saw a poster on Jennie's blog, and this was finally the end of my Etsy run for this Christmas:

But that's not all! I bit the bullet and also bought my brother a shirt online. I've been looking at these awesome shirts (ps - I'd love the "Tales from the Jazz Age" one myself). I deem this year's online shopping a success! Now to finish the rest of the shopping.

Menu Monday plus photos!

I thought I would try something different this week, and took photos of the meals I actually cooked (I skipped the frozen pizza and the night out ...)

Monday: white bean chicken chili

Tuesday: spicy orange shrimp and rice


Wednesday: roast pork, maple glazed carrots (not great), and pan fried potatoes

Thursday: Digiorno's pizza (mushroom, spinach and garlic)

Friday: Steak, spinach and acorn squash
Saturday: out while Christmas shopping in Orlando (salmon, spinach, mashed potatoes, salad)


Sunday: chicken enchiladas and yellow rice

This week:

Monday: out with my dad for his birthday (Molly Goodheads ... I'm not a fan, but it wasn't my choice)
Tuesday: turkey soup
Wednesday: meatloaf and spinach
Thursday: baked spaghetti
Friday: Charlie and Katie's Christmas party
Saturday: pressed cuban sandwiches

Pieces of Friday

*I was so overwhelmed at work today I wanted to cry. I thought about going in again tomorrow morning, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Also, I'm taking most of Tuesday off after I cover an out-of-the-office thing for a coworker so I can try to do a little cookie baking and finish any extraneous gift shopping and take a little time to myself. I'd take a whole day off, but I already said I'd cover it and I'm a woman of my word.

*our Christmas tree, which I keep referring to as "my" tree, was delivered on Wednesday and I put it together with much gusto -- it's NINE FEET TALL! Now, I knew that when I ordered it but obviously I didn't think about how tall that really was. With the star, there are four inches between it and my vaulted ceilings. It's really beautiful though, and I'm actually quite happy with it even if is fake.

*I do need to get a pine candle though, because I miss the smell of Christmas.

*We're going to test our luck with this whole potty training thing (what, you thought a post was going to go by without me mentioning my Adventures?) and head to Orlando for the day tomorrow. No parks, just some stores (inspired by the Stylelush Gift Guide, I'm headed to West Elm for something for my MIL and to Bass Pro for my FIL.

*If anyone has ANY IDEAS AT ALL for my FIL, I'm all ears. He likes hunting, Nascar, horse racing, gambling and selling things on eBay. I think I've exhausted all gifts related to all those interests, as well as gift cards to Dick's sporting goods and Perry Ellis polo shirts. Every year. It's been 8 years and I'm completely out of ideas.

*Also, I need ideas for my dad (interests: billiards, billiards, billiards, Irish coffee) and hubby's cousin's husband (interests: I don't even know anymore, the man is a total SAH workaholic ... computers? something to make him more comfortable in his office?)

*hubby has been playing Grand Turismo 5 while I write this and listen to Christmas music, and he keeps falling asleep for a few minutes and then he'll wake, look at me and go back to his game. It's very similar to when Henry falls asleep in his bouncer.

*stay tuned for my adventures in Etsy-land! I'm so excited to tell you about my finds for Christmas ... till tomorrow, folks!

The magic of Santa

So ... Santa.

What are your thoughts on the whole Santa thing? I'm personally having a hard time with it. To be perfectly honest it's not a "lying to my kids" sort of thing. I think (selfishly) that it's more of a "take credit for the fun" sort of thing. Plus, I have no idea how to broach the idea of a fat man in a red coat wedging himself down the chimney with toys.

Spencer knows who Santa is, more along the lines of "part of Christmas decor" ... he visited Santa in the mall one morning (where he was awesome and sat on the guy's lap and said he wanted something weird, got his candy cane and went on his merry way. When he sees a giant blow-up Santa in front of someone's house he says "Look, it's Santa!" but he doesn't seem to care about how he relates to getting presents.

By not hyping Santa, am I robbing my kids of some of the magic of Christmas? I know that I have a bias because I was told there was no Santa when I was very young because my parents split up and my mom didn't want me to think I wasn't good enough and that's why I didn't get as much that year.

I try to not go overboard (a little more than some, and not as much as others). I hope to never be the parents that get caught up in the presents and forget about the joy. I really don't want to threaten my kids that they better be good or santa won't bring presents. I want to just enjoy the holiday with my family. But does that take away from my children's enjoyment of Christmas?