So my anxiety. It has been bad lately. I don’t even know
how to properly explain it, and I have felt bad about how bad I’ve felt because
I always acknowledge in my rational brain how much harder other people have
things and how bad other people’s anxiety and depression (I’m not depressed)
and etc etc etc is … well, it feels impossible justifying my own anxiety.
But it’s been bad, to the point of lots of crying, lots
of snapping at people who love me, lots of hiding in my bedroom with a book,
lots of sleeping during non-sleeping hours. One time of accidentally taking too
much anxiety medicine and WOAH that was a crazy day that I’ll never repeat.
Last night/today I had a minor light bulb moment in
realizing where some of my anxiety stems from. Vacation. Vacations are supposed
to be relaxing and exciting, right? Well, I’m not in charge in any form of this
vacation that I decided to take us on six months ago. I have nothing to do with
where we’re staying or what we’re doing when we get there and last night after
realizing that we don’t even have hotel rooms for the last night (this says
nothing about the middle part of our trip, for which the logistics of sleeping
are still up in the air and I’m twitchy writing that) that we are in charge of
setting. No! Hotel! So I got C to set that up after 90 minutes of comparing
every hotel within 30 minutes of the airport and ending up at the first one we
looked at, and I am mildly relieved, but also I finally explained that I was
having a mild heart attack about the middle portion still being up in the air
so he’s supposed to be talking to his dad about that today.
So. Yay? I’m hoping all this means I can breathe a
little, but considering I can tangibly FEEL my anxiety ramping up right now, I
doubt it.
In news about trying to work on myself and getting
excited about the trip, I’m going to do some planning on my own and some lists
of what to pack, and I’m going to start deep cleaning the house. Yesterday I
meal planned through next Tuesday before we leave and did all the grocery shopping, so that’s one less thing, and I’m
working on getting all my work done so I don’t feel like I’m going to drown
when I get back to my desk. And at some point I’m just going to have to let go.
That will help, right?
4 comments:
Vacation isn't always relaxing!
Sorry you have had such bad anxiety lately! Vacations should be fun & relaxing, but they can be stress-inducing leading up to them. Hopefully, your time away is lovely, though! Hugs!
Vacations--especially extended family ones--are not all they are cracked up to be. Having just gone on one, I feel like I speak from a knowledgeable place.
Anxiety, though? That always blows and I'm sorry it's knocking you out right now.
I am SO FAR BEHIND on my feedly but this warrants a comment, because:
1- I'm so sorry. This sucks.
2- I get it. Things undone/undecided/unsettled make me feel panicky, even when they're not ABOUT or FOR me. (Hi there, am anxious and also codependent and need other people to need me to solve their problems and when I don't/can't/am not allowed, I panic.)
3- Is it any better?
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