Anatomy of a Meltdown

Yesterday I just felt like something was off for me. I was kind of sharp feeling, irritable. I’m overwhelmed at work but I didn’t even really feel like that was the reason – I’ve been overwhelmed before and eventually I do get caught up. I was a little aggravated that no one had offered to help as I’ve been helping them for many months, but not enough to ask for help because it’s my work. I know it will get done.

I didn’t see my kids that morning because I tried to leave for work a few minutes early and they have been sleeping a little later than usual – it was the second day in a row I haven’t seen my kids before going to work, which I really hate but acknowledge that it happens. I had a meeting that was kind of useless but it wasn’t long. I don’t know really what triggered things, really, is what I’m saying.

So I was feeling off and trying to get things done. I ranted a little to myself and twitter about the lack of help and got through some things I had been putting off for lack of time. Around 8:45am I was getting a little hyperventilate-y, so I took a pill. One that’s supposed to help that sort of thing, you know. I went to my meeting, came back from my meeting. Still anxious, freaked out a little. Trying to get some major amount of work done. I inquired when I was able to take another pill – I’ve never needed more than one, and I didn’t want to take too many too soon. Three hours, I had to wait three hours.

At the three hour mark I took another. It still didn’t help. I had been told that I could take another in another three hours, but by this time I figured if it didn’t help those two times, there was probably no reason to take another. I buckled down at work, cutting myself off from others and concentrating on the task at hand.

At quitting time, I was out. My colleague who I leave with seemed surprised that I was down – she hadn’t noticed anything all day. I was fine at lunch, she said. So apparently I’m good at hiding (sometimes) or she’s oblivious (probably). I waved it off and left.

Five minutes into my drive I start crying. It’s not debilitating and I’m on a bridge so there’s really no way to stop and give in to my feelings. Just need to get over the bridge. There’s a mall right on the other side, and I park and give in to wracking sobs. I don’t know why they are there, they just can’t be stopped. I plead for jokes from friends. Something to calm me down. K was a lifesaver at this time, and her texts got me calm enough to get back on the road to get home. I told C I needed some peace in the room immediately when I got home, and he offered to pick up the kids and dinner.

I got most of the way home when my mom called. I had posted a vague complaint on Facebook about Harry Potter lying about chocolate making things better and she felt maybe something was wrong. Thankfully she called while I was at a stop light because those wracking sobs came back – you know, the ones where you struggle to breathe at the same time and end up with monstrous sounds emanating from your body? I was close to a Publix so I pulled in there, choosing between dumping the contents of my purse into the floorboard or hitting a homeless man who was meandering like a snail across the entrance (Yes, I chose letting the purse go). I talked through everything with my mom until finally she changed the subject and got me thinking of inane things that slowed my breathing down and turned off my tears. I got home, even though a 20 minute drive took me an hour because of the stops.

I got home and no one else was there, so I got in my pajamas and laid down. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I woke up at 7:45pm in extreme confusion, thinking it was morning and I was very late for work. Eventually I realized what happened and came out into the living room. The kids were already in bed. My head was foggy, so I took a shower where I proceeded to use my shampoo as body wash. Just an FYI: mint shampoo is painful and burny when used to scrub certain body parts. I didn’t actually realize what I was doing until that moment.

After my shower I was still extremely foggy, so I went back to bed, and restlessly I slept through until 6am this morning.

I am feeling a little better (except I haven’t eaten since noon yesterday and I have biometric testing at 8:30 this morning so I can’t eat until after that). I’m still not quite myself and I feel TERRIBLE that I haven’t seen Spencer since WEDNESDAY. Henry woke up just before I left this morning so at least I got a hug from him this morning but I didn't see either of my children all day yesterday which feels like you can imagine.

I still feel a little weepy, but I don’t feel as helpless as I did yesterday. I wish I knew what triggered that. I really don’t want to feel that way again.