So ... Of course the moment I push "publish" on the blog about how great the boys have been , Henry pooped in the joint bath.
Despite that, Saturday was good. I made buckwheat banana nut pancakes. I had book club, which brought me 45 minutes from home drinking unnamed shots from a flask in chocolate shot glasses at with my compatriots 20 years my senior. We went to the lights festival for our Advent activity of the night.
Sunday was not as great. I woke up with another sinus headache which stayed with me, if not in headache in nausea, all day. The boys were a handful (likely because I wasn't feeling good). Henry has been particularly stubborn and bipolar, and ended up taking a three hour nap (reminder: check for molars). We went out for a bit - C wanted to try PDQs and to check out a new gas station (I don't even know) so we drove to St Pete for lunch and then nearly to downtown Clearwater before heading home. But ultimately we came home and I felt better.
This year has been a struggle. I struggle with my self image. I struggle with my confidence in my parenting skills, my wifeing skills, my work. I look at that list on the right of what I planned on completing this year, and I'm both saddened by what I didn't accomplish and annoyed that I expected so much of myself.
I think I'm not going to make a list this next year. I want to better myself, I want to feel GOOD about myself. I want to give myself a break and just concentrate on my family. That is my only list. I am going to start working out again, running, because it made me feel good about myself. I'm going to work on date nights and SEX because it makes me a better wife. I'm going to take time to do things with my children because it makes me a better parent. I am going to take time to read and blog and tweet because it is good for me to make time for myself. I want to like myself again. I can't remember if I ever truly have.
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4 comments:
I'm really just starting to figure myself out. It wasn't so much that I didn't like myself before, it's that I usually felt off-balance. Not mentally, like I was depressed or something, just that I never instinctually knew what to do in situations. I always felt awkward around people and I didn't know how to make decisions on how to prioritize my time.
That stuff is hard and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one still figuring it out.
Usually if I have too much I want to accomplish I end up feeling like a big fat failure...because I set myself up for that with unattaible goals! Feel ok with starting out small!!
I think I said I was 27 before I really felt a sense of myself, but really that changes every year. It's too bad I couldn't have all this experience when I was younger.
I think it's a great thing to have goals and also to do things for those you love. But in the end you have to love yourself for the person you are. That doesn't mean you can't make improvements, but you have to be okay with the you now too.
Plus, I know I don't know you as well as your friends or family, but I think you're pretty awesome. I'd give you a hug if you were okay with it and I was, you know, closer. :)
Sometimes I wonder if we were separated at birth. Because those last two paragraphs? I HEAR YA! And it's hard, so hard to feel that way about yourself, and your life. I spent the better part of this year in therapy to try and learn how to make myself feel worthy, and likable, and I'm only STARTING to feel like I'm getting to know myself.
One thing I learned: take it easier on myself. It's amazing how much that one little concept has meant so much in terms of how I view myself overall...so I'll say to you what my therapist says to me: instead of focusing on all the things you're not doing, build on the things you are. Forgive yourself, give yourself permission to be human, and make the changes YOU really want, not the ones that you think other people think you should make. You can't properly love the world around you if you don't love yourself first.
(Maybe I did learn some things in therapy?)
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