I have a terrible body image. I know this about myself, and I know that I don’t look as bad as I feel I look. I know, truly, that losing a few pounds won’t make me feel better about myself. I know that eating healthier and working out more will make me feel better inside, but won’t make me feel better about myself. I know all of this.
But the brain is a funny thing. I look at women bigger than me and think “how can they look so good when I have these rolls?” I look at other women and think, “how can they look like they have it all together?” I know I don’t look *bad*. I don’t look People of Walmart bad. I haven’t left the house longer than to get the newspaper from the driveway in my pjs since college, I swear! But I also don't leave my house without being fully put together because it's the only way I feel okay about leaving the house at all.
Anyhow, I joined #biggestbloggingloser again this year. Last year it really helped me start losing weight and even though I know in my heart of hearts that feeling good about yourself is not just about the number on the scale, I do not know how to gauge without that number. I don’t join fad diets. I don’t starve myself. I’m not a calorie counter or anything. The only way I know how to lose weight is to eat more moderately, try to make healthier choices, and to exercise.
Last night I stopped at the store and picked up a bunch of veggies. I got vegetables I’m not used to working with in hopes that it challenges me for new and exciting dishes (there are now two artichokes, a spaghetti squash and an eggplant residing in my kitchen with my usual salad stuff and spinach). I made breakfasts for myself for the week, and packed my workout things to take to work with me so I can use the gym on my lunch again. I took the stairs this morning (I only work on the third floor; this shouldn’t be an issue).
While I don’t calorie count, I am going to try to start documenting what I eat so I can feel accountable for what I’m putting into my body. I need to throw away the last of the ice cream. Last year, #biggestbloggingloser taught me to be accountable to myself for how my body looks. By the end of 2011, I lost 42lbs, ran in numerous 5ks and one 10k. I felt strong and I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. While I have only gained 8-10lbs of that back and haven't even hit the next actual size up, I’ve lost all of the confidence I had then. So what I really hope to gain in these next 11 weeks is not just a new size or a cash prize (although both would be nice!). I hope to be able to look in the mirror and feel strong and confident.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
1 comment:
I know how you feel. I lost about the same and I've gained back about the same. I want to lose that 10 pounds, but it's been tough. I'm not eating horribly except for the sweets. I need to cut them out again.
Fall is especially hard for me because I love all the pumpkin goodies that come out. But I can stick to pumpkin soup and roasted squash and still be healthy.
A month or so ago I decided I wasn't going to eat meat anymore. I wouldn't say I'm vegetarian because I do occasionally eat meat, but now it's 1-2 times per week. I haven't told anyone and Matt hasn't noticed yet. I've been eating a lot more vegetables and fruit. I think it's been good for me. During the week I usually take off 2 pounds, but then on the weekend I gain it back because I just eat more when I'm with Matt. I have to find a way to balance it better.
And I also don't know what to do about my body image issues.
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