just breathe

I've been having anxiety attacks since I was in high school. I used to be convinced that there was something seriously wrong with me. My mom took me to the hospital once because I couldn't breathe and my lips were turning blue. My doctor prescribed me Xanax -- yeah, I can tell you that did nothing. I know people that swear by it, but it was like sugar pills for me.

Anyhow, I have no idea what brings them on. My ex used to watch me as I fell asleep because he was always worried I had an apnea problem (and I thought I had an apnea problem; still not entirely convinced all my problems are anxiety-related). All of a sudden it will just be hard to take a full breath. It feels like I can't fill my lungs. I've been tested, and I am getting 100% fill, but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not satisfied. This will go for several days and then I'll just be fine again. In the meantime, I just think about my breathing all the time, and concentrate on getting the air in.

Today it started on my way out of work. I'm not particularly stressed at work lately; I haven't had any need to go out of town since the end of May, I'm caught up (shh, don't tell anyone). Home is good too -- Spencer is being particularly adorable and seems to be keeping the tantrums to a minimum. He's learning new things every day - so fun! And the only thing that's not great is that I seem to be getting sick constantly over the last couple weeks. However, I felt better today than I have in awhile.

So I've been like this for 7 hours or so. We went for an 11.5 mile bike ride and I still had problems (otherwise we probably would have kept riding). I hate this, bah!