Teetering

It’s been a rough and tumble couple of weeks these weeks past. I hope yours was good. Mine, well, not so good.

Spencer’s been doing well; a little crabby here and there. With the teething, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Evidently he’s doing better than some babies (my mom says one of us wouldn’t stop crying through most of the teething stage). He doesn’t cry a lot, but he can get crabby at the drop of a hat, especially if he’s not getting enough attention. With attention, he doesn’t even worry about his teeth. I guess that’s most babies too, right? He cut a third bottom tooth this weekend, but those two top ones have been threatening for weeks. Hopefully they’ll come in soon and we’ll be good for a little while.

I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress with my job. Most of it is my own making, I know, because I can’t stand that I’m just not up to speed on most of my files. I open them and there’s so much I don’t know and it scares me. It’s not like you can Google lawsuits to get an overview of the system. What’s involved in appellate decisions, what the proper time periods are for different filings. I thought I knew a good bit before taking this position, but I only knew the tip of the ice berg. And I know it’s going to get better, and I know that there are people there to help me. I’m so scared of missing something I constantly feel like I’m in the dark. I know it’s a learning curve. I know it gets better.

And then, on top of the work stress, when something happens at home to cause more stress, I shut down. I didn’t know I could do that. My mom does it on occasion, but I’ve always been so much better at handling my stress. It turns out I can shut down too. Wednesday I stopped eating for a couple days. Nothing I did eat would stay in me. I slept for 12 hours at a time, or I didn’t sleep at all. I broke down in hysterics at work, on the phone with attorneys’ secretaries. I haven’t been that way in, well, never. This weekend was a mending time for me. I tried to start eating again (note: wings and beer on a fragile stomach are not the way to go). I tried to start paying attention to my husband and son again. We went garage saling, and went about our normal routine. It all helped. I think I’m better. Still teetering on the brink of craziness, but hopefully better.

One thing that did happen while I was breaking down is that I immersed myself in the Twilight books. Vampires have never really been my thing; I’m not a big fantasy reader. But I consume books; once I start, if it keeps me entertained, I’ll read until I finish. I’ve never been one to read at bedtime because it’ll keep me up all night (I take that back; I’ll read at bedtime but it will keep me up at night. I have to do it when I’m willing to stay up). However, I often start picking at what I read. I’m a constant editor – loopholes in sense, grammatical errors, typos … these things take me out of a story more than they would most people. (Please don’t use this to critique my blog; I write almost in stream of consciousness here). I had none of these problems with the Twilight saga, and I don’t know if that is because they didn’t exist or because I was that obsessed. I didn’t think I’d get sucked in, but I did. I read the first book on Monday. Thursday, I read the second and third (not nearly as good, but I wanted to know more of the story). Friday, I read the fourth. Sunday, I re-read the fourth (I think it was better than the first). Monday, I found the draft of the fifth that she posted on her website half-finished, and read that. I can’t get enough. I hate to say it, but it’s all in how it makes me feel. And how I feel is obsessed. Christen might get me my own copy (I borrowed them from a friend), but I kind of hope he doesn’t. What’s to stop me from re-reading them over and over then? I’ve heard mixed reviews about the movie, so I’m torn about seeing it.

Anyhow, there are only a couple weeks until Christmas, and I’m taking most of the holiday off. I’m taking Dec 22-26 off, and then Dec 31-Jan 2 (So basically I’m working 2 days out of two weeks). I’m super excited, although I think I’ll have anxiety about my desk the whole time I’m not at it. Spencer and I will be able to finish our Christmas shopping (I’ve been doing some, but mostly I’ve been putting it off terribly, and unlike in previous years) and maybe see some relatives that haven’t met him yet. Before my vacation, I only have one trip to Ft. Lauderdale and one meeting in Clearwater , and otherwise I’m at my desk non-stop, so hopefully I’ll be able to keep everything under control over the next two weeks. It would be so nice to be breakdown-free through the New Year.