Toxic

She emailed me yesterday. It was courteous. It was impersonal.

Just wanted to let you know that the baby is adorable. I think Richard said his name is Spencer? I don't get to talk to him much anymore so I'm not 100% sure on that but I think that is what he told me. At any rate he is a cutie. Congratulations.

I wanted to say so much. I wanted to say that I missed her, that I still want to be friends. That I forgive her.

I don’t forgive her though. I know it’s selfish and I’ve never felt this way about a past friendship before. I usually welcome all friends back with open arms. But with her … well, she hurt me more than anyone ever had before. Anyone I’ve ever trusted. I cried so much when she decided our friendship was disposable that I just don’t feel that I have that kind of emotion left. That break-up crushed me. I thought about her every day, cried every day.

I found that my friendships with other people are so much stronger than I thought previously. April, Stacy, Suzanne, Shea, Theresa, Joy, Autumn, Acie … you were all there for me when she wasn’t. You all proved to be real friends, true friends. And still I felt sorry for myself – I had lost my best friend. I’m almost 30. All my close friends already have best friends. And even though they say they can have more than one best friend, it doesn’t really happen that way. I’ll always be second best. With her, I thought I was first. The one she went to when she needed something, the one I went to when I needed to talk. I thought she’d understand that I’d be there for her no matter what she was going through, but when things got bad she decided to cut me out of her life.

For probably six months I thought about her every day. Then I started dreaming about her. We’d have conversations about the state of our friendship in random houses. Every time I’m out and I see a flash of red hair I think it’s her. I stopped people watching. Me, stopped people watching. I drive by the building she works at every day and wonder if she’s there. I was just saying to her ex-husband that I was glad to move and not have to see it every day.

I’ve finally started only thinking about her at a glance a couple times a week. I can live with that. I’m sick of my heart hurting the way it was. I don’t think I can go through that again. And if she wants to be friends again, she’s going to have to reach out better than that. She’s going to have to own up to her mistakes. I know she’s going through some heavy stuff right now, things that I would never air in this forum even though it would make me feel better. Before we can take baby steps toward some semblance of a friendship, I need to know I won’t be hurt like this again. And I can tell you, I don’t think the trust will ever be there again in order for me to be hurt again.

So I did write her back.

Thanks, he gets cuter everyday. I hope everything is well with you!

Because my heart wants her back even though my brain knows it’s not healthy. And I don’t think it’s time yet. If we are to be friends, it needs to be because she wants a level friendship with give and take, not because she needs someone. In that case anyone would do. I need more. I need to know that she’ll be there for me too. Otherwise I’ll stick with my true friends. I know they really care.